Round and round we go….
embarrassing, suburbia, Travel September 20th, 2007I admit it. I am directionally-challenged and it’s embarrassing. When someone starts giving me directions somewhere, I can only remember the first one or two instructions. After that, I need a picture. Better yet, a chauffeur. MapQuest doesn’t cut it because then I have to take my eyes off the road. And trust me, nobody wants that.
You might figure I’d have the most trouble finding my way around over long distances. You’d be right, and wrong. It’s possible for me to have trouble no matter how far I’m driving. Here’s how I got lost two tenths of a mile from my house.
It was October last year, the day my township was queuing floats on the street behind my house for a Halloween parade taking place nearby.
I drove up to an intersection just two blocks from home. A cop explained that I wasn’t allowed to get through until the parade got underway.
"How long will it be?"
"About 20 minutes."
"But I have ice cream in my car." Surely, melting ice cream qualifies as an emergency and aren’t cops supposed to assist with emergencies?
"You can drive down one block and loop back to Maria Lane."
Simple enough, I think. And then I remember. I’m a dunce. I begin to worry immediately that I’ll get lost in my own neighborhood and I might find myself still driving around by dinner time, and all I’ll have to show for it is melted ice cream and a massive headache. ‘Course, I could eat the ice cream, but then I might do it so fast that I get an ice cream headache. Either way, I’m going to have a headache.
I continue down to the next block and enter what I like to call Suburban Planners Toying with Me. I imagined them all sitting around a big table, then asking a 4-year-old with a box of crayons to draw some figure eights and squiggly lines. "Looks good. Now dump the houses here." There are more roundabouts and cul de sacs than through-streets. I drive through all of them. Twice. "Hi. Me again." Wave real nice. "Just ignore me."
As God is my witness, you cannot traverse this ridiculous maze of suburban streets to save your life, and thank God I have food in the car because I might actually have to save it.
I have a cell phone, but Dave’s at work, so it won’t do me any good. But there might be a series of answering machine messages that go like this:
"Dave. I’m lost. Come get me when you get home. I’m a block away."
Beep.
"Dave. I’m scared. Little kids are pointing and laughing at me because they know I’m lost."
Beep.
"Dave. People think I’m casing their houses. I keep driving past them over and over."
Beep.
"Dave. Tell the cats I said good-bye. I’m never getting home. I ate all the food."
After fifteen $%*@# minutes of driving around in Dante’s seventh circle of development hell, I finally found the cross street I needed to get me home. When I got there, I screamed a colorful expletive I only bring out for special occasions such as this, and gunned it. Look out! There’s a gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough with my name on it.
Stumble it!
September 21st, 2007 at 6:43 am
Mouhahahaha! That was hilarious! I’m clueless about directions too. ;p
Ice-cream IS an emergency, I totally agree!
September 21st, 2007 at 9:32 pm
See, this is why you and my mom should go ‘The Amazing Race’
September 21st, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Regan — No, see. I’d get us eliminated on the way to the airport. Ask your Mom about the time I got us lost on the way home from D.C., and I’m the one who wasn’t driving and had the map.
It would be fun to go on TAR, but she couldn’t expect us to stay in the race for more than one leg.
September 22nd, 2007 at 1:43 am
TAR rocks! I love that show! Isn’t it cool that the players have to do crazy stunts the locals do?! I finally found someone else who likes it! I hear the next one starts after Survivor ends, does anybody know if that is true?
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:02 am
@ Kitty — Maybe we do need GPS systems. Someone emailed me a suggestion to get a “Garmin.” Anyone know what these cost?
@ A.D. — I can’t believe how hard it was to find out when the next installment of TAR starts. According to Wikipedia, its 12th season will air mid-season. That’s all it says. TAR is my favorite, followed closely by Lost. I can’t wait until that starts up again either!
September 22nd, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Ahhh… I have met my navigational match! As I read your story, I knew exactly what you were going through. I drove my parents to an appointment earlier this week. I drove their van which has a GPS that actually TALKS to you as you drive. It was incredible, although I had to resist the urge to tell the nice, talking direction lady that I didn’t believe her. But she got me where I needed to be, so I will no longer doubt her.
September 22nd, 2007 at 6:22 pm
@Terri – Thanks for dropping by. You know, I’m hearing more and more about these GPS systems. I really think it’s a “must investment” for me. It wouldn’t be a luxury item. It’d be an absolute necessity.
I think I just didn’t get the direction gene. All of my siblings got it, and my niece did, too. It’s not fair!
September 24th, 2007 at 5:01 am
Looking to buy a new home has taken my husband and me around the Valley and beyond. I drive and/or co-pilot by maps and signs. It’s VERY difficult for me to navigate by landmarks, terrain changes, and worst of all non-quantifiable phrases like “the second traffic light once you’re in town.” I LOVE maps and signs, I pride myself on being able to get from here to there with nothing more than a current map and some street signs. However, after spending one entire Sunday in the passenger seat navigating through 4 counties hunched over maps, nauseous and headache-y… I thought “how much for that GPS in the window?”
Hmmm.
It was only a thought. How could I rationalize such an expense for such a sort term use? It also felt like admitting defeat, according to my friends and family I am the map queen. (Dear friends and family: think Peddler’s Village 2002 ).
So, what happened the very next day at work was divine intervention. My husband sent via email a beautifully constructed paragraph detailing all rationalization for purchase of a GPS, complete with link to specs for one on sale!
I bought a Magellan Maestro 300 on my way home from work used it that night.
We call her Ms. Maggie Magellan.
I highly recommend a navigational system for anyone who drives a car. With Ms. Maggie at the helm, I can type in an address and go. I can even exclude portions of a purposed route and Maggie will re-route with other roads. I especially like the “Home” button. Press the picture of the house, and she’ll route directly home from your current location. So, Kathy, even just 2 blocks away from home from somewhere in the cul-de-sac maze, press “home” and then exclude the left turn that was blocked, Maggie would get you home safe with non-melt-y ice cream!
I love my Ms. Maggie, but I can’t quite let go completely. The queen does bring maps on all excursions as backup. The satellite can’t always see Maggie in a rain storm. 😉
September 27th, 2007 at 2:17 am
This is my favorite post of yours yet. The headaches “either way,” the phone messages, it was all great. I, too, am directionally-challenged. I cannot follow directions. I can only follow landmarks.
“Take a right after the Burger King.”
“The length of two football fields beyond the crazy guy that sits on the corner of that one street.”
Those are my kind of directions!
Thanks for the comments, by the way. My dad’s home and doing much better.
September 27th, 2007 at 10:04 am
@ Kev — Really glad your Dad is fine. What a nightmare that was. Pretty scary stuff.
I, too, am much better with landmark directions. If someone is telling me where they live, it doesn’t help to know it’s so many miles from such-and-such an exit of a highway, and don’t give me street names. They’re meaningless. I need to know a distance from some landmark, preferably a food joint, since that’s all I know. I’m all about food.
January 3rd, 2008 at 11:57 am
Well, if it makes you feel any better, i got lost on campus. And it isn’t even a big one. LOL
BYE!
usws’s last blog post..It’s 2008 Already?
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
usws — It makes me feel a WORLD better!
May 21st, 2008 at 8:46 pm
People think it’s funny when I tell them I’m directionally challenged, but it has me very concerned. I’m in my early 40s and I’ve always been terrible with direction. It doesn’t matter if I’m a mile from home or 200 miles from home. Today I got lost at a small park that is five minutes from my house. I start panicking and feel terribly embarassed especially when there is a group of people watching me make the wrong turn. It seems like whichever way I turn, it’s always the wrong one. I feel like something is messed up in my brain and I really need help!!!
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:15 am
Mary — I think once we get a tiny bit lost, it snowballs from there and we can’t get past it. Then a “little bit lost” turns into “a lot lost.” That’s my theory anyway. In any case, I’m with you. I feel your pain!
June 16th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
you are directionly challenged i can find my way back in the woods camping
June 16th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
brooke — It sounds like I could use your services whenever I drive. That, or someone needs to buy me a GPS for my birthday.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:53 am
i will tell regan you need one
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:33 am
Bagsmerchant — Ah, thanks! I’ve heard cuteness can help in an emergency.
October 26th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Oh my heaven’s, my tummy hurts now…too funny
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October 27th, 2008 at 5:25 am
amber — Of course, I wasn’t laughing at the time. And in case you’re wondering, my navigation skills have not improved one iota since then.
January 1st, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I could have written this. Before my God send of a navigation system, I used to call my husband daily to get me home. It’s terrible!!!
Scary Mommy’s last blog post..Happy New Year!
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:17 am
Suddenly, I feel much better about my navigational abilities. Thank you.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:29 am
Scary Mommy — I know. There’s no greater feeling of helplessness for me, which is why I don’t travel far from home often. It’s terrible AND embarrassing!
Momo Fali — You’re welcome. Pity me.
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:21 am
MY husband likes to give tutorials and quizzes on finding your way by the direction of the sun. I will be lost in my thoughs as we drive, and he asks what direction we are going. When I tell him that I don’t care, he says, “Just look at the angle of the sun on the dash.” Your story was amusing and completely understood by women everywhere!
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Audrarian — That’s not a half-bad idea. But now that my husband bought me a GPS, I’m golden! I never have to worry about getting lost again. So happy!
July 7th, 2009 at 3:45 am
Conratulations!Kathy,you got the GPS as your birthday gift?sounds great!You can enjoy your driving without navigation worry any more.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Well if it makes you feel any better, after living six months at my apartment, I still mess up which turn I need to take to get on the Interstate every single time. It’s either the first or the second, I’m not sure…hence my problem.
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August 20th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Mybagqueen — Best gift EVER!
Desk Fanatic — Ha! Don’t worry. Just accept that this is the way it is. You don’t have the gene and neither do I and I survive.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:50 am
Seems direction is most girls problem. Do not know why.
October 13th, 2009 at 3:04 am
So cute you are ,kathy!
March 8th, 2010 at 1:32 am
I always advocate spending a day just getting to know your own neighbourhood. If a week has passed since you move in, and there’s a single street within a ten minute walk that you don’t know, then you are only heading for embarrassment.
Then again, don’t feel too bad about it, you’re not a man, there are just some things you are not expected to be good at.
March 18th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
Whoa! A warmth congratulations Kathy. I am also a directionally-challenged and I accept that. All I do, every time someone give me instruction, I jot down all the keynotes so that I could remember it. Hope you can surpass your incapabilities.