I Asked for Donuts and Got a Bag of Lard
food, Stuff I hate March 31st, 2008Back in November, I wrote about a cake I bought from a new bakery in town. I threw it out because it was too dry and the icing looked better than it tasted. I promised I’d give them a second chance and post back about it.
They blew it. Again.
Yesterday after a 45-minute walk with my sister, I thought I’d reward my effort and ruin whatever benefits I gained from exercising by making a return visit to The Dry, Gross Cake Bakery.
Everything looked scrumptious in the case and I ordered three items (pictured above): A Napoleon, a Southwest pizza thing (don’t remember what it was called), and a half-dozen donuts.
The Scorecard:
1. The Napoleon: Not horrible. The cream and flaky pastry part were serviceable, but the icing was overly-sweet and gummy. It may or may not have been fondant, which is a bakery staple for wedding cakes that looks really pretty, but sometimes tastes like crap. Grade: C+
2. The Southwest pizza thing: Bad all around. The bread was rubbery and tasteless. What I remember of the topping was diced tomato, corn and some unidentifiable meat. I thought it had cheese, but no such luck. Had the topping been 100% bacon, I could have salvaged it. Instead, it went in the trash. Grade: D.
3. The donuts. Ah, the donuts. How can a bakery screw up a donut? Donuts are Pastry 101! I should have known something was wrong when the cashier handed me the bag containing a half dozen of the lovelies. They were so heavy, I almost lost my balance. In my opinion, glazed donuts are supposed to be light and airy. Artery-clogging, yes. Deliciously sweet and fattening, yes. Brick-heavy, no.
Here’s a closer look. See that nice sheen? That’s perhaps how a glazed donut should look. Except for one thing. That’s not the glazed side. It’s upside down. Go ahead and click to enlarge, just put your sunglasses on first.
That shininess is caused by deep-fryer fat globules that are soaked all the way through. I wanted a donut, not a blob of lard. It tasted oily, burnt and slightly rancid. And crunchy. Donuts aren’t supposed to be crunchy, right? Grade: A Big Fat Lardy F!
Now look at the bag they came in. The grease reached flood stage about two inches from the bottom of the bag. It’s soaked through solid up to the first crease. If I thought all the grease got sucked out of the donuts, I might actually consider eating the rest. It seems such a waste to throw them out, but that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Here’s a question: It’s obvious I’m never going back to this bakery, but should I let the owners know how dissatisfied I am with their products?
They should know how un-yummy their stuff is, so they could at least fix the donuts. I refuse to believe I’m the only one who finds crunchy, oily donuts unappetizing. I wanted to love the bakery because they’re close to home and I need a new place for all my forbidden food needs.
I don’t want to post the name of the bakery, since I’m not a professional food reviewer (although I should be). If you know me and want to know where it is, give me a buzz. The rest of you don’t have to worry about stumbling into this greasy dive trying to pass as a bakery.
Stumble it!
March 31st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Kathy:
You are a professional food reviewer – you’re the real person on the street who actually eats that junk. Who would be a better reviewer than you? This post was great and actually hit one of my more sensitive nerves. I like good donuts, but I can’t find any. They’re either too greasy, too heavy, too dry, or outright no goo. And another thing, don’t get into it with the bakers. They’ll yell and scream you right out of the front door. You won’t win. I got into to it with a group of old ladies who ran a bakery over that fact that they were handling my pastries with their bare hands. I barely escaped with my life. I had to ditch the cookies and run.
Another super fattening post.
Happy trails.
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March 31st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
There should be some place that you can report them to…like the Surgeon General!!!
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March 31st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
The pizza thing looks gross just from your picture. I’m not surprised it tasted that way too. As far as your “donuts” go, well… those aren’t donuts. See donuts are circular with a big hole in the middle. THAT is a pastry, roll, danish or cruller. Sheesh, youn’s guys.
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March 31st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Well, you’re a writer, so write them a letter. You can be nice, yet get your point across. I’m famous for writing letters! My family members now rent me out to do it for them. I even penned a letter to a cheating ex-boyfriend for my husband’s sister. That one was fun!
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March 31st, 2008 at 3:26 pm
When I first saw your post I thought, “Oh no, not a psot about yummie food again” My very favourite cake is the Cream slice (Napoleon) and it made my mouth water just looking at it. I was truly disappointed once I read how horrid they were – I felt cheated ;O)
I would, most definitely, write to the shop owner! I hate it when cakes look so delicious in the window and taste so awful when you get them. And what is this ‘pretend’ icing they use on cakes now?
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March 31st, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Ah, to find a decent (note “decent”) bakery within a 40 mile radius of Bethlehem, PA. I have looked and have come away disgusted and dejected.
Bake your own stuff and you will feel better for it!
March 31st, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I’d let ’em know by letter at least. EEk….
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March 31st, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I agree with Swubird: You are the best food reviewer I’ve ever read. Definitely tell them about the donuts. You can do it in a less funny but still effective way.
That pizza thing looks awful.
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March 31st, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Yes, definitely write! That way they can’t yell at you.
I have to agree with Jeff, those aren’t doughnuts. We actually have the best donuts in the world right here in Louisiana. Light, airy, just the right amount of glaze. And if you can get them while their hot – Man oh man! I could eat a dozen at once.
Wish I could send you some, but they just wouldn’t taste the same. You can go here and salivate, though. http://www.southernmaiddonuts.com/
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March 31st, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Swubird — It was a super-fattening post, wasn’t it? I’ll go ahead and write the bakery to let them know what I thought. I’ll be nice about it. Regarding hand-washing: I can barely watch Ace of Cakes anymore on the Food Network because those bakers rub their hands all over the fondant as they’re molding it and preparing to roll it out. Ick! I wonder if people actually like the cake’s taste of if they just admire it for its looks. I wouldn’t eat it after what I’ve seen!
KFJ — Greasy donuts will take years off your life. The better-looking ones don’t (so I’ve heard).
Jeff — I know, I know. A classic donut has a hole in it, but I swear on bucket of lard that the sign on the shelf said “Donuts.” Whatever I got, they were nasty, nasty.
Momo Fali — I’m a fan of writing to businesses, for good or bad service or products. I’ll be nice about it, promise. Ooo, I’d love to read what you wrote to the snake!
babs (Simplycats) — See, that’s the problem with looks. Everything in the case looked so pretty, but they really must work harder on making the taste match the appearance. Otherwise, people like me won’t come back.
BabaBooey — Oh, boy. I’m in trouble now. I did used to love Groman’s Bakery on Second Ave., but since they closed I’ve nowhere else to go that’s as good. This is very frustrating!
windyridge — I’m on it. I just have to make sure I’m super nice about it.
JD — Thanks, and I’ll be careful with the letter. The pizza thing looked better under good lighting, plus I was hungry, plus how can you screw up a pizza too? Just doesn’t add up.
Heather Here — Sure, make me drool now. Nothing like a warm, drizzly donut. I once had a “right out of the oven” Krispy Kreme. Heavenly!
March 31st, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I’ve not seen a good old-fashioned bakery since I was a kid. I remember this one place my mother went to when I was a kid that had stuff so good that I still dream about it all these years later. Similarly, there was this one bakery in Philadelphia that my Dad got my birthday cakes from in the 70s that had the best cream cheese icing.
Nowadays, all I see is the nasty crap one gets from a supermarket bakery. Bleaah.
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March 31st, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Don’t have to taste it, but I see two problems with that doughnut. First, and foremost, that’s not a doughnut. It’s a cinnamon roll. Doughnuts are round and have a hole in the center. Second, being a cinnamon roll, it’s not supposed to be deep fried, it’s supposed to be baked. Hence the reason they are soaked with grease.
Next time, stick to Dunkin’ Donuts…
March 31st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Oh no, there is nothing I hate more than thinking I bought something yummy-delicious, only to be crushed with disappointment that it’s yucky-disgusting.
There is a donut place by me that is pretty tasty (they get their shipment from a great bakery across town), but you should only go there if you want to deal with outside cigarette smoke, and tiny hints of racism.
(I wish that were a joke, but alas, it’s not.)
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March 31st, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Bummer. So much for supporting a local business. It must be a front, I’d skip the nice letter, just to be safe, thankyouverymuch.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Sure you should tell them — be nice.
So many places are using pre-made dough these days that it’s hard to tell if something is going to be the way it should. Next place you try, ask for a sample before you buy.
April 1st, 2008 at 5:13 am
Libertine — There’s a great place in my hometown that has everything I want in a bakery. But it’s over 10 miles away, so I don’t swing by very often. Can’t we all have a great bakery just around the corner? Is that too much to ask?
Lee — You’re right. Just because they called it a donut, doesn’t mean it is one. I suppose because it’s so doughy, it had to swim a long time in the fat. Hmmm, maybe I should give them a 3rd chance? This time, for a “real” donut?
StephanieC — Yeah, it’s disappointing. I kept wanting to love it. Kept taking small bites hoping it’d miraculously get better. It didn’t. Throwing out donuts just seems so wrong to me.
Amy — When the business opened, I read about it in the paper. The article said where they’d worked before, as pastry chefs. Both came from other local businesses. They call themselves chefs, but that doesn’t mean they can make a good donut. You know what I always thought was a front? Maryland Fried Chicken. They sell the same disgusting food I remember from the 70s and haven’t updated their look since then. I’m amazed they can survive in the fast food business.
Carol — Sampling would have saved me the grief (and the money — $13.50 down the drain.)
April 1st, 2008 at 5:50 am
Bleh. I also hate when donuts are too dry. It needs the right amount of dryness, oilyness, greasyness, and yes of corse icing.
April 1st, 2008 at 6:11 am
The reason I asked the question was because I lived in an Asian country for 5 years and we had bakeries on every corner. Some were great but others were…well…I felt sorry for the owners’ children.
One bakery had Cheesecake labeled on the shelf…it was cheese cake. Little pieces of cheddar cheese baked into a sweet cake. Perfectly disgusting. Of course, I had to buy one to try just in case I found a new idea that I would like. 🙂
Another one was the practice of using basic Crisco as an icing. Beautiful cake designs but with lard for a topping. yuck!! I learned very quickly to ask for butter cream icing.
I hope I did not offend anyone by previous posted question, but I was wondering where the owners got their training.
On the other side, several of the do-nut shops here are managed by Asians and THEY put out a great light do-nut. In fact, too light because it seems that I gain 5 pounds every time I visit one. If there is sooo much lightness in them why do I gain weight?
April 1st, 2008 at 6:16 am
Regan — There exists somewhere the perfect donut! And I want one right now!
Rattln Along — Thanks for the clarification. I’m glad you posted back. Cheddar cheese in a cheesecake? Bleh. Crisco as icing? That’s a new low. If you gain weight the way I do, it’s because one donut is not enough. I can eat them like potato chips. Sad, I know.
April 1st, 2008 at 8:05 am
Crisco as icing? Yes!!
Of course, it’s not just plain Crisco and it’s not as bad as it may sound.
My Mom always made it and it’s wonderful. Not sickening sweet like a lot of bakery icings.
I make this icing with Crisco for chocolate cake…..it looks beautiful! The icing is so white against the dark chocolate of the cake.
I sometimes substitute butter for the Crisco to get a cream color icing. This is the perfect topping for Carrot cake. Garnish the icing with crushed walnuts. It’s great! I say don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!
April 1st, 2008 at 10:16 am
I need to know where it is so I don’t go there by mistake. And let me know where you live, I might know of a decent bakery near you!
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April 1st, 2008 at 11:10 am
Maybe this is gods way of telling you to eat more healthy.
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April 1st, 2008 at 11:16 am
Sue — Get out! Really? I have to Google this and see what the ratio of Crisco to non-Crisco is for an icing like that. If it tasted good, I wouldn’t knock it. Be too busy eating it.
Susan — I’ll pop you an email in a minute.
Bruce — Exactly. I was thinking that when I wrote this post. It was a good thing that I threw nearly all of it out. Doing so saved me countless calories, and I didn’t blow my exercise after all. How ’bout that.
April 1st, 2008 at 3:06 pm
I think a classic Krispy Kreme is the best…even if it’s dried out, a quick nuke for about 10 seconds usually brings it back to life…of course, the BEST is when you get it fresh off the conveyor belt. I can only hope that your bakery is not a chain.
Was that pizza? It looked more like one of those fake barf things…
April 1st, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Mandy — Krispy Kreme is heaven on earth. The only place I can get them is at a Hess gas station. It kind of takes a little of the pleasure away if I have to get them from where I pump gas. But I’ve done it. Oh, yea! I don’t know what the heck that thing was. It looked like a pizza, but sure didn’t taste like one. Fake barf, sure!
April 1st, 2008 at 7:19 pm
bet I ate worse on the highway over the years…..:)))))
April 1st, 2008 at 7:32 pm
and this is why i ask for samples of stuff before i buy, especially if it’s food. take it back….teeth marks and all.
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April 2nd, 2008 at 5:30 am
robert bourne — I’ve no doubt you’ve seen and eaten everything. Your choices were probably limited to greasy and more greasy.
Natural Woman — I’d probably would have done OK if I just bothered to look at them closer. Never again. I got it on good authority that Wegmans has some good donuts. And there’s a store close to me, except that I hate going there because their parking lot is a maze. A lot of my donut-buying decisions are made based on how fast I can get in and out.
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:37 am
I’ve always preferred Dunkin’ to Krispy Kreme. The ubiquitous plain glazed donut that is the most common KK donut is just blah to me.
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April 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I believe the perfect donut died with my grandmother in 1994. She used to make the most amazing donuts rolled in sugar (not icing sugar). They were to die for. I’m hoping in Heaven she’s still making them and will have a big batch when it’s my turn to go. Otherwise, I can really take or leave them.
Kat
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April 2nd, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Libertine — When will I ever learn to stop blogging about food? I love Dunkin’ Donuts’ Boston Cream. Just sweet enough icing and an excellent center. Lip smackin’ good!
Poetikat — Oh, what a nice memory. My husband is a fan of the sugar-rolled kind, as well. Grandmother-made donuts are always better than anything you can get in a store. Yum!
April 8th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Ewww…I hate when donuts taste like that. I’ve had my fair share, and it’s such a rip off, especially because when I actually let myself buy a donut, I’m really craving it. Big fat bummer!
Anyway I do think you should tell them. Food like that, shouldn’t be sold to the general public. If they want to eat nasty food then fine, but we customers pay good money for our food, and the least we can expect is for it to taste scrumptious!
April 9th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Michele — Exactly! If you’re going to eat that many empty calories, it needs to be worth it! Geez.
June 5th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
eww dounuts need to be soft and squishy
October 9th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I hate trying new places and getting horrible food back. I am a huge fan of donuts but when they are to dry it really pisses me off.
December 14th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Hilarious post. You know how often I find places like this that are such a sham – but they continue to stay in business. There should be a overseeing regulatory committee to bash all these faux bakerys.
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