We’re Doomed Already
Fun May 12th, 2008So my sister Ann got this insane idea that we should try out to be contestants on The Amazing Race, a reality show that pits teams of two against each other in a race around the world. Prize if you win? One million smackaroos.
Teams compete by performing weird and difficult tasks while making their way to pit stops along the worldwide route. Contestants have to fly, drive or take a train or bus on their own throughout the race. If you’re the last team to arrive at a pit stop, you get the ax.
You must be able to manage your time, follow clue directions, do crazy physical and mental stunts, and find places you’ve never been before.
We can do none of these things.
And that’s our “hook” for getting picked at an open audition being held this weekend in Lancaster, Pa. Our shtick will be “We suck! We’ll be eliminated at the first pit stop, but our pathetic attempt to get there will entertain your viewers. You want us. You need us!”
As proof of our horrendous planning and traveling skills, Ann and I spent a good amount of time trying to decide if we should drive two hours to the audition the night before and stay at a hotel, or just leave really early Saturday morning and pray we get a good spot in line.
Keep in mind, teams on the show are given what seems like nine seconds to make their travel plans. Our planning took us four days and we changed our minds three times during the process. Hotel the night before, drive that morning, hotel the night before, drive that morning.
Do you think it has anything to do with our travel preferences?
1. I wanted in-room Internet access so I could keep up with email and my blog.
2. She wanted an onsite restaurant so we could be sure to get food in the morning. A continental breakfast won’t cut it.
3. I didn’t want to drag all my toiletries with me overnight. Instead I just wanted to shower up Saturday morning, hop in the car and go.
4. She is not a morning person. She’d prefer beaming herself to the destination.
5. I have a hard time falling asleep in strange places.
6. She didn’t want to get lost getting from the hotel to the audition location.
For the uninitiated, these are basically the opposite of all the requirements for the race. Oh, and did I mention we’re both directionally-challenged? Even with her GPS, we’re not sure we’ll get there. We know we wouldn’t stand a chance actually running the race. Getting to the audition will be challenging enough.
I’ll be blogging about our mini-adventure upon our return. That is, unless they pick us for the race and tell me I’m forbidden to write about it.
You never know. If you’ve been to The Junk Drawer before, you know crazier things have happened to me.
It could happen. Right? Right?
Stumble it!
May 12th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Oh, boy. You two are IN. I feel it. You’re right: they need you. Viewers need you. You’ll be so relatable and so funny. You’ll represent all of us out here who can’t get from point A to point B without a compass, sherpa, and Mapquest. I canNOT wait to read more about your adventures, and when you make it on the show—and you WILL make it—your readers are going to go nuts.
THIS IS AWESOME!!!
JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Threw Out My Wedding Dress so you don’t have to
May 12th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Ooh, how completely exciting! Good for you for giving it a shot. I agree with JD… I think you’re perfect for the show!
Personally I’d be scared to death of getting on the show.
Jeff’s last blog post..Mr. Know-It-All
May 12th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Oh I forgot… make sure to tell them about the time you got lost in your own neighborhood. I’m just sayin…
May 12th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
I will live vicariously through you – you go get ’em!
Neena (NeenMachine)’s last blog post..iGoogle Artist Themes
May 12th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Are you serious?!!!!! You are sooooo brave. I see some brilliantly funny posts on the horizon! can’t wait. I wish the show went out in UK.
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Doodle You – Beetle
May 12th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I will definitely be watching if you and your sis are going to be on!!!!! That is so cool!!!!
I admire your willingness to audition! If I had my druthers, I would be on SURVIVOR!!!!
KFJ’s last blog post..Survivor
May 12th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
This is very exciting. If you get picked I would so watch! So, make sure in your audition you mention that they would add a whopping one viewer from Florida to the important 18-49 demographic.
Seriously–This is HUGE. Good luck!
Stephanie’s last blog post..5 things
May 12th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I can not wait to hear about this one! And I so hope you get picked…..the only thing that would suck about it if you got picked would be not getting to see new material in the Junk Drawer! But, oh what a gold mine you would have when all is said and done!
Fingers crossed!
May 12th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
As someone who has spent a lot of time on TV, lives in Hollywood and knows more about the bs that goes on with reality shows than I care to know, I would offer this piece of advice. Saying you’re sure you’re NOT going to succeed is not the way Hollywood works. Why would anyone want to see those people on TV?
Remember that your idea of what’s amusing is not what Hollywood pros might find amusing. I’m sure you are but you have to think outside the box, and the box is millions of viewers and advertisers who are paying big money, not the neighborhood block party.
They’re looking for interesting personalities with a dynamic between the partners, not for people who are going to waste their time telling them they suck and are never going to win.
Now get your competitive juices running and think WIN.
Suzy’s last blog post..Lucy In The Pie With Diamonds
May 12th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Hmm. I not even sure that you would make it to the first destination! Sorry. Although that could be really entertaining. Needless to say I would be watching.
Tiffany’s last blog post..My Niece is getting big
May 13th, 2008 at 4:32 am
JD at I Do Things — Can we find sherpas in the Internet? I need one of those. The adventure will begin and end with the audition, but we’re so excited. Neither of us has done anything so ridiculous in our lives.
Jeff — I’m scared, too, but I know it’s not a genuine worry. There is no chance they’ll want us, and we know it. But my husband tells me we’re doing it all wrong. He thinks we need to actually think we can do this or it won’t happen. He doesn’t get that we’re really only doing this for fun. I may pull out the “I got lost in my own neighborhood” to seal the deal. Move along, ladies.
Neena — Well, at least you’ll live vicariously through the audition. That’s as far as it’ll go.
Babs (beetle) — I’m really just in it for the posts! I found a petition for a UK version of TAR. Never know. Keep your eyes peeled!
KFJ — See, now I couldn’t do Survivor for one simple reason: bathing suits. Is that all they wear? No one wants to see that. p.s. I was surprised at this season’s winner.
Stephanie — Thanks. The chances of being picked are zero, but it’s fun to let ourselves think about it. Kind of like buying a lottery ticket and dreaming about what you’d do with the money. It’s been a laugh riot since Ann got the idea.
Donna — We won’t get picked, but I’m hoping to have a fun post about the audition. We expect to find some interesting people standing in line with us. People who have a chance of getting on!
Suzy — You’re right, except how do you explain the coal miner team? In all seriousness, we do not expect to get picked, nor do we want to. I can’t imagine us in the race, but we’ve been having fun thinking about the prospect. That alone is making us laugh. We’re excited just to be part of the audition. Although my husband’s with you. He thinks we should get a winning attitude. Who knows, we may change our minds when we get there and pull out all the stops.
Tiffany — We laugh about what would probably happen. We’d grab our bags, get in the first car, not be able to get it in gear, and still be in the parking lot later that night. Crickets, fade to black, game over.
May 13th, 2008 at 6:32 am
Bwahahahahhaha Kathy! I think it’s a great idea for some fun AND some blog fodder! lol I don’t know if you’ll get picked or not but if you do, I will seriously be watching also.
Lori’s last blog post..Natural Mineral Make Up
May 13th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Suzy: You’ve obviously never seen The Amazing Race! Kathy and her sister are EXACTLY the type of people the producers look for and select. The people with whom regular ol’ couch-potato Americans can relate with and cheer for. Anyway, this isn’t like auditioning for a role on a soap opera. This is a show about real people—even the lazy ones. Nay! Especially the lazy ones!
JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Threw Out My Wedding Dress so you don’t have to
May 13th, 2008 at 7:33 am
My husband wants to sign up for this show as well. We would be the couple screaming at each other, who everyone loves to hate.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..My Vacuum Is Demanding Overtime Pay
May 13th, 2008 at 7:52 am
My wife and I are both hooked on that show. Seeing as we are Canadian we cannot compete but we would almost certainly be the ‘screaming couple’. Up until now it has mostly been for the exotic locations although we have picked up a few fave contestants along the way. It would be awesome to have someone to cheer for that we quai-know, albeit breifly. My fingers are now crossed – best of luck!
May 13th, 2008 at 8:29 am
1) I can see you two being interviewed by Matt Lauer.
2) Will you still blog if you win the $1 million?
3) (That’s right, I said “win”.)
4) What will you pack?? That’s right, MORE decisions.
5) I would carry your bags like a pack mule. I would change my name to BigSherpa or SherpaNerd – not sure which one.
BigNerd’s last blog post..Tried & True Play-Doh
May 13th, 2008 at 8:42 am
OMG you have to do it- and tell the producers you’ll blog about it daily – that’ll be an extra internet audience that’ll promote the show! Seriously!
Sue’s last blog post..Alien Math
May 13th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Awesome! This is just too exciting. I’m plugging for you guys. This just might be the right shtick to get you on. I’ll be rooting for you!! Go for it!
May 13th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I have learned to speak compass somewhat.
My niece once reminded me that your left hand makes an “L” and my oldest daughter says “north is up.”
I hope this helps.
Mizmell’s last blog post..Fair Is Where You Get Cotton Candy
May 13th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Ha! I would LOVE to see you both on the show. Yes, sadly being Canadian I am not eligible… which is just as well. I would be the one puking at the food challenges and crying at the zip-line feats….
Good luck and say HI! to Phil for me though! 😉
(and I have a Survivor-related post today too…)
Maureen’s last blog post..Tivo’s Twisted Sense Of Humour
May 13th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Lori — It should be fun and I expect to be taking good blog notes while standing hours in line. Can’t wait!
JD at I Do Things — TAR definitely needs more regular people. I can never remember who the plastic people are, but I can remember the normal teams. That says a lot, doesn’t it?
Momo Fali — I think every team becomes a screaming couple at some point. Although, wow, that one year with Jonathan and Victoria? No one will ever come close to being that bad. Wonder if they’re still together. That guy was a nutjob.
Canucklehead — Thanks. I’ll have to figure out a sign that I can flash that says “Hi Junk Drawer readers!” so you’ll know I feel your presence. OK, I’ve officially gone off the deep end.
BigNerd — Yes, I’d still blog, no worries. Yeah, I heard ya! Win! OK, if you say so! I would pack exactly half what I think I need. I prefer SherpaNerd, OK? I’ll let you know when I need you.
Sue — I would love to blog “Live from The Amazing Race!” Today’s injury report…
Peg@Lehigh — Thanks. I hope I don’t have a post afterwards that starts “We never even got in line….” If you’re praying, just pray we don’t get lost on the way. Entirely possible.
Mizmell — speak compass Love that! It helps, tell them thanks. So very helpful.
Maureen — OK, here’s the deal on the food. I already told Ann I would eat the bugs and eyeballs or whatever. But she’s going to need to scale buildings and do the zip-line stuff. She’s very petite and fit. Basically, she’ll do the physical, and I’ll do the mental and/or gross stuff, whenever it’s possible to choose. Oh sure, I’ll tell Phil you said Hi. You know how jealous I am that you’ve met him!!
May 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I am trying to talk my wife into doing this….and you aren’t helping……..
Bruce’s last blog post..The Answer
May 13th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Ah, but your blogging, too, is an asset you should pitch. While you use the “We suck” angle, you can fully share yours and Ann’s travel planning suckiocity (like Travelocity but with more missed connections) via blog posts! It’s perfect!
Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..Barnum and Bailey’s Toilet of Clown-Infested Doom
May 13th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Damn, you made my mascarra run, LOL. My sister has good sense when it comes to travel, but not I. When she has to give me directions, the first thing is … which way do I turn the car when I back out of the driveway? It really doesn’t matter…I usually get lost anyway.
But you & your sister…now THAT would make me watch the show!!!! LOL
DrowseyMonkey’s last blog post..It Was Just Like “Lucy & Ethel”
May 13th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Hey! It wasn’t mom’s idea! It was mine and dad’s! Oh well. And don’t say you won’t win! Think about HOLDING the million. And be optimistic! Oh, and you will SO make it on. The best people on the show are the ones who are normal and relatable. No one really likes the ditzy pageant queens, or the perfect models. The best ones are interesting and funny, and even better if they’re relatable.
And also, if they were looking for perfect people, how do you explain the goths getting on last season? And also, they’re not looking for Hollywood people. This audition is in Lancaster. And it takes place around the world.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
We have to ask ourselves what reality programmes are. The very word reality sums up ordinary, every day people, not Hollywood glamour and whiz kids. That must rule you out Kathy – ordinary you’re not ;O)
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Doodle You – Beetle
May 13th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Bruce — Sorry. Tell her it’s really nothing. Very easy. Everybody does it.
Jenn Thorson — I did drop my blog address in the application. I’m sure they won’t read it. Probably bad form, but I presented it as “There’s more Me at The Junk Drawer”.
DrowseyMonkey — To be honest, I’m much worse than Ann. I got us lost in Washington, D.C. in the dead of night, no one around but cops, and I was the one with the map. I’m still laughing at your Lucy & Ethel post. Great stuff there!
Regan — Yes, we’ll hold you and your dad responsible if we get picked. Your uncle Dave really wants us to think more positively about the audition. All I can think is “If I’m gone for a month during filming, what will the house look like when I get back?” Yea for normal people!
Babs (beetle) — You’re so nice! I’d like to think I’m normal enough for real life, but crazy enough for a show like this. We shall see…
May 13th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Kathy:
I think you’d be a fabulous choice for the Great Amazon Race. I’d love to see you on the tube scrambling down some back road in the Amazon jungle swatting flies and dragging your backpack in the dirt. T-shirt, shorts and combat boots. What a sight. No hotels. No hot showers. No room service. Just blood, sweat and tears. Imagine all the potential blog posts you’d accrue. Fantastic. And if you turn out to be as witty on television as you are on the Internet, they might make a big star out of you. How good is that? Who knows? You might even get your own talk show and be famous. OPRAH. JAY LENO. KATHY. What a line up. Just think how many hits your blog would get then.
Go for it Kathy. You only live once.
Happy trails.
Swubird’s last blog post..MY LAST FIGHT
May 13th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Suzy, thank you for your Hollywood insider tip. Look for us on tv!
May 14th, 2008 at 3:54 am
Swubird — Funny. I’m worse in hot climes than cold ones. I can’t imagine it. “What a sight” is right. “Ann! My hair is a mess! I have to fix it. Go ahead, I’ll catch up!” I’m not sure I’m so witty, add to that the removal of all my creature comforts. It’d be ugly. But thanks for your vote of confidence!
ann of the shampoo bag — It’s getting closer!! Are you ready!?!
May 14th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Keep telling yourself that, darlin’ …
Jenny’s last blog post..Remember To Forget … To Remember
May 14th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I hope you DO get on the show. Maybe then I’d watch it! Good luck getting there, and finding your way home.
Don’s last blog post..History of Mother’s Day
May 14th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I have never — not even once — watched this show. But I would definitely watch it if you and your sister were contestants. It would be like watching Ethel and Lucy. I mean that in a good way.
Amy Cates’s last blog post..House of Rock
May 14th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
good luck there are a host of blogging posts if you make it..that would be great to read
robert bourne’s last blog post..Self Promotion and Stuff
May 14th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Jenny — Keep telling myself I’m insane? Or telling myself I can actually get picked?
Don — Thanks. Like we have a prayer. Hoping my new friend, the GPS, will get us there and back. God help me if I have to read a map.
Amy Cates — Lucy and Ethel is exactly how we see ourselves. We would not disappoint!
robert bourne — And probably if we didn’t make it. I’m sure I’ll be seeing and meeting a lot of interesting characters while waiting in line.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Sounds like you should get a prize for just arriving to the audition!
May 15th, 2008 at 7:30 am
LMAO. It took me a few minutes to stop laughing before I could write my comment. I would LOVE to see you on that show. And while you could write nothing I would be blogging my heart out about you 🙂
Lauren’s last blog post..Perfectionism
May 15th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Ah, GPS, definitely the way to travel. At least there won’t be anyone instructing, “Pretend you’re standing on the map!!”
May 15th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
You could end up being one of the best comedy duos the world has seen! 🙂
I have never seen the show but it looks awesome.
Forest Parks’s last blog post..Bloggers’ Pets: Javier the Chihuahua
May 15th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I try to imagine my older sister and I on that show. It would consist of us 1) laughing a lot 2) her laughing until she peed herself and 3) us coming in last. They’d probably edit out the 4) us getting drunk and laughing some more.
When I watched TV I was addicted to that show.
Shieldmaiden96’s last blog post..Freaky Friday, or, how I amuse myself when I drive all the time
May 15th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
i hate trying out for game shows. i’m done with that routine. i’ll have to find my 15 minutes of fame some other way.
have a great trip!
May 15th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
If you do make it, be sure the camera crew gets shots of you taking notes for your blog. Wear your Junk Drawer t-shirt. Be caught asking everyone directions to the nearest internet cafe. Say things like, “OK, let’s stop talking about HUMOR-BLOGS.com and go this way.”
Meg’s last blog post..We Bonded Over German Atrocities
May 15th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I have a website! Its mine and my friend’s.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
FerdC — At least a t-shirt that says “I made it this far. I can do another 20,000 miles!”
Lauren — Awesome. I’ll take it! You could do a series “Where in the World are Ann and Kathy?”
Amy — I still laugh about that day all these years later. I think it’s YOU who should go on the race. You’re the only one in the family who got the directionally-adept gene.
Forest Parks — What you need to do is watch the show when it comes out, and imagine me doing all the tasks the real contestants get, and you can laugh at the thought of me doing them.
Shieldmaiden96 — That is exactly what you could expect from us, and the sole reason we think we should be on the race. I’d love to see a team like that! I’m adding you to my blogroll. Your stuff slays me.
minijonb — I’m convinced I’ll have my 15 minutes of fame, but I’m not sure how. I’m a little scared it may be something that will require me to move out of the country.
Meg — That is such a great idea. So smooth! Hey, maybe instead of them putting my name at the bottom of the screen whenever they show us losing, they’ll put my blog URL. I could use the exposure.
Regan — It’s cute, but it makes me hungry for candy! Not good. Not good at all.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Reading this, I am reminded of the story of the German man who drove his brand new, top of the range Audi into a river, because his sat-nav didn’t tell him that the bridge had been removed ten years previously.
tfa’s last blog post..Never Return To A Lit Forework
May 15th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
tfa — I remember reading that story and thinking “At least it was him and not me.” See, that’s the kind of thing that will get me on CNN. Be worried.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Just remember, if you get picked for the show you have to be able to carry everything you take with you. And I’m pretty confident neither you nor Ann can carry a steamer trunk…let alone two of them! And I’m pretty certain I’ve never seen a blow dryer or a curling iron on that show. From the looks of those back packs, I think you’d be real lucky if there’s room for an extra pair of shoes and a tooth brush.
Other than that, good luck!! 😀
May 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Lee- if we get chosen I’ll make Kathy practice walking up and down hills with a backpack. We also need to practice sleeping outside the train station, in the rain, waiting for the ticket office to open.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:42 am
Lee — You’ve never seen any hair care appliances because most of those people are plastic and perfect. I’d need one trunk just for my hair care items. I wonder if they could ship that stuff ahead to the next checkpoint for me? Thanks for the good wishes.
ann of the shampoo bag — I’m counting on you to be my drill sergeant. Practice your screaming skills!