The Junk Drawer

Crap.

Sniffle.

A client came to my office today to ask for password help on his laptop. While I worked on it, he glanced around my cubicle and noticed a movie poster for It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World on my wall.

That’s one of my all-time favorite flicks and I learned it was one of his, too.

After exchanging a few laughs about the film, he asked me if I saw it in Cinerama when it first came out.

He remembered watching it in a theater with three screens side by side, where the film was projected in widescreen across all of them.

He said at first it was weird to view a movie like that, as you were distracted by the lines separating the screens from one another. But after a while you got used to it and your eyes stopped noticing it.

This post is not a study of cinematography. This post is about the crime perpetrated upon me.

Did you catch it? He asked me if I saw it when it first came out.

The movie was released in 1963.

I wouldn’t be born for another two years.

I know I have a couple gray hairs, but is it worse than that? Do I need a face lift? Maybe a little Botox? God, how old do I look?

Pass me a tissue. I think I’m going to cry.

I’m pretty sure when you do the Weight Watchers thing you’re not supposed to eat this many in a day and a half, even if they are only 2 points each.

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Overindulge on laughs at Humor-Blogs.com.

I’m pleased to announce the winner of this week’s What’s That? Wednesday contest. Ron of the Vent blog was the first to guess correctly that it’s the tip of a battery-operated nose hair trimmer. Or, if you have particularly hairy ears, you can use it there, too.

Congratulations Ron! I’ll contact you shortly. Since you are not an Entrecard user, it looks like you’re getting a Junk Drawer magnet.

Thanks for playing, everyone! Look for another What’s That? contest in two weeks.

Commence with the guessing about who in our household uses this thing for what kind of wayward hairs. Or not. Yeah, let’s not.

My husband Dave likes to think I have the answers to everything off the top of my head, including stuff I haven’t seen, studied or heard about in years. He has such faith in me. Silly man.

He phoned me from his office this morning to see if I could run to the store on my way home from work. In the same breath, he said "Write this down," and I dutifully scrawled the following:

3(n-1) = 5n + 3 – 2n

This randomness is typical of our conversations.  Hi. How’s your day going? Get eggs and bread. Solve for n.

I asked him why he was making me do algebra so early in the day, or anytime, for that matter. "Because Bill’s daughter got this in her homework and she told her teacher it wasn’t solvable. The teacher said it was, and now they’re having a dispute."

I quickly worked the equation and got this as a result:

3n – 3 = 3n + 3

You can see right away there is no solution. No value for n will make this statement true.

At least I hope there’s no solution, because I told Dave I was sure of it, and he told Bill "My wife is sure there is no solution," and Bill’s gonna tell his kid to tell her teacher "Kathy says there’s no solution!"

Apparently my husband has convinced his co-worker that I’m some kind of algebra expert. I was once. Twenty five years ago! I’m a lot fuzzier on algebraic formulas now. As I keep looking at the equation, I’m worried there’s some bizarre value for n that makes it true.

Is it solvable if n is an irrational number or something? Is there a mathematician in the house? Or a high schooler who’s currently taking algebra?

If this post gave you a headache, I’m sorry. Think of cotton candy and puppies instead. That’ll cleanse you of all things math.

p.s. Tomorrow I reveal the winner of What’s That? Wednesday!

I think I did a dumb thing. When I opened up the balloon-counting contest, I made the deadline for guessing an entire week from the post date. What I didn’t realize was that we’d see 86 comments in less than 40 hours. Wow. You guys love contests, don’t you?

It’s safe to say that’s enough guesses, so I’ve decided to close the contest and announce a winner right now. You’re going to be very annoyed because the “person” who guessed the exact amount of balloons was the 4th one to leave a comment. The next 82 of you never stood a chance.

Congratulations Daisy the Curly Cat for correctly guessing that I blew up a gross of balloons. How much is a gross? A dozen dozen, or 144.

For those who didn’t see my responses in the comments, yes, I blew them up myself. It took about three hours, counting the times I had to sit down and suck enough oxygen to continue.

Daisy, as the prize winner, you have your choice of a box of 15 bacon bandages or 1,000 Entrecard credits. I’ll contact you shortly. I might even throw in a little cat toy because you’re such a smart kitty!

Now, if you’re disappointed you didn’t win the balloon contest, I have a What’s That? Wednesday challenge for you. I hope this one is so hard you all hate me and hate me good.

If you can guess the object pictured here, you’ll win a Junk Drawer magnet or 500 Entrecard credits, your choice.

Remember, this photo shows only a small portion of a larger object.

Go!

What’s That?

CONTEST CLOSED: See who won!

A co-worker who reads my blog suggested there was something terribly wrong with me because I kept five old containers of Parmesan cheese in my refrigerator for so long.

Oh, yeah? Is that right?

A few days later she had a birthday. Heh-heh. Have fun tryin’ to get at your desk.

When she arrived this morning and the shock wore off, she asked me how she was going to get any work done.

"Hmmm. Don’t know. That’s your problem."

Is there a lesson here, kids? Sure!

It’s best not to suggest I need therapy, at least not to my face, or you might find yourself the victim of something circus-y. Next time it might be the animals.

Anyone up for a contest?! The first person to submit a guess closest to the number of balloons pictured here wins a box of 15 bacon bandages or 1,000 Entrecard credits, your choice.

Helpful information (or not): There is a 17" box monitor buried under the balloons in the first shot.

Rules:

1. One guess per person.

2. You can’t ask me if it’s more or less than some number. In fact, I’ll get it over with now. It’s more than 1, but less than 500.

3. The closest guess can be under or over the actual amount.

4. Entries must be received by Monday, October 27, 6PM EST.

CONTEST IS CLOSED. It turns out the response was way over the top. Future contests will likely not be open for more than a few days, long enough to allow a reasonable amount of responses. Thanks for playing! Click here to find out who won.

Question: How do you get a big box of gourmet cheese delivered to your house?

Answer: Challenge someone to a Cheese-Off and lose.

I recently posted about my love affair with Kraft Parmesan Cheese. Or more to the point, how lazy I am when it comes to tossing out numerous expired containers from my fridge.

Carla, from Blah blah blog-o-licious, commented on that post thusly:

I will take all the cheese I have, put it on the counter and send you a photograph…I think I might have you beaten.

This prompted the Cheese-Off challenge. I didn’t stand a chance.

I emailed her immediately and asked how it is possible one person can have so much delicious cheese in her fridge, while people like me are slumming it with the kind you shake through gigantic holes in plastic. It turns out Carla is a professional food broker, a dream job if ever there was one.

Perhaps out of sympathy, she offered to send me a sampling of cheese if I would like some. Like some? Like some?

When I awoke from my blackout, I gave her my address, crossing my fingers that she wasn’t kidding. She wasn’t. A mere two days later I received this:

Behold! The Cheese Motherlode! The Rembrandt Extra Aged Gouda cheese down front is almost gone already. My husband Dave and I inhaled it immediately after I took this picture. It is divine.

I feel like a kid at Christmas and all my new toys are in the lettuce crisper. I know they are there. I don’t want to sleep. I just want to eat cheese.

If any of you are in a 20 mile radius of my house, shoot me an email and we’ll arrange a cheese party. Bring wine and an appetite! Oh, and see those Galaxy Cappuccino Chocolate Mousse Duos on the right? If you come quickly enough, there may be some left for you.

Thank you, Carla! I’m blown away by your generosity. This cheese won’t get the chance to expire.

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Check out Carla’s fun story on how she came to be known as The Cheese Lady. And be sure to take her cheese survey. I’m a Swiss girl all the way. Betcha thought I’d pick Parmesan!

I’m terribly sorry for this post. If I lose some readers over it, I’m prepared to pay that price. But when I saw the deposit one of my cats left in the litter box, I couldn’t resist.

I swear on a stack of Bibles, this picture was not doctored. If it grosses you out, just imagine for now that it was made with water.

Whoever left it there is incredibly gifted. I mean, seriously. All it’s missing is the bow tie. I’m trying to figure out which cat made this masterpiece so I can enter him or her in some kind of contest.

Damn. 

Playboy Bunny Pee in a Box

Results of having cleaned out my refrigerator. You may have some questions. Go ahead. Shoot.

Every month I have to prepare a report of activities at work. I keep notes in my calendar for each task and then quantify them.

Taking a look at one item today, I realized I might have been on drugs or something when I recorded the following:

9/17: Met with Tim to have him login and mortyupe his data; help w/email; sent Thunderbird-at-home instructions.

I have no idea what it means to “mortyupe” your data. But it sounds painful. And who’s Morty? For the record, I asked Tim to review his data to make sure I backed it all up.

For all of you who are irritated you didn’t win a Junk Drawer magnet in yesterday’s contest, here’s another chance.

Any idea what I meant by that? I actually typed that word straight to my laptop. From my head. It wasn’t a case where I couldn’t translate my own handwriting.

Help me. Tell me it was an easy mistake to make. What was I saying?!?! If nothing else, reassure me that these mental blips are OK and I won’t soon start speaking in a language no one understands, not even me.

Today’s post is doing double duty.

First, for those playing What’s That? Wednesday, you have another chance to win a Junk Drawer magnet if you can guess the object pictured here. Remember, this photo shows only a small portion of a larger object.

Congratulations to blogless Marlene for guessing that last week’s photo was stick deodorant. Ah! The smell of sweet success! Your prize is on the way.

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Next up we have the first ever Junk Drawer interview with — drum roll, please — ME! I have a nasty habit of asking my readers questions about themselves, but I seldom answer the questions myself.

My pal Beamer of BMW Rules either decided enough was enough, or he’s really interested in digging deep within the recesses of my cob-webby brain.

Either way, I owe you guys some answers. Depending on how well it’s received, I may never agree to another one.

One side note: I disclosed my miserable high school SAT score in the second half of his two-part interview. A day later, I told him I had regrets about telling the world how lousy it was, and he graciously allowed me to pull it.

You might learn more about me in the interview, but you’ll never know my SAT score. It dies with me.

So head on over to Beamer’s place and check out Part I of The Junk Drawer interview!

UPDATE: And now you can read Part II of The Junk Drawer interview. Beamer posted it today. Maybe I should run another contest to see if anyone can guess my SAT score?

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Let’s say this post is doing triple duty. Smiley me at Humor-Blogs.com, will ya?

Soup: Tomato Tortellini

Hunger level at time of photo shoot: STARVING

Number of seconds cracker had yet to live: 4

Mmmm mmmm … crackery!

Check out my other food that looks like stuff! And don’t forget, if you see something fun in your food, don’t play with it. Send it in! (kathyblog07 [at] gmail [dot] com.)

I think I need an intervention. Since I started blogging last summer, my daily routine has changed dramatically. It’s gotten to be like a second job.

I sometimes joke that I need an assistant to accomplish everything I want to do in a day related to my blog.

Writing for the blog is a walk in the park. It’s the “… other blogging duties as assigned” requirement that takes up a good chunk of my time.

See how you compare.

Herewith is my typical blogging day (don’t worry …. somewhere in here I have a life, but just barely):

5am – 7am:

Review spam comments and release those incorrectly tagged;

Review and respond to comments, about 25 per day;

Update the number of days the plastic bag is still stuck in the tree (see count in sidebar);

Check my stats (total visitors from day before, backtrack interesting places visitors came from);

Check blogs where I’ve been backlinked (based on Technorati and WordPress dashboard links);

Check BlogCatalog discussions and comment if something piques my interest;

Check Humor-Blogs for posts from my fellow humor writers and vote up my favorite ones;

Check Twitter for responses to my Tweets; read other Tweets from my Tweet Peeps;

Drop the maximum Entrecard cards (300) while commenting along the way;

Study effectiveness of having purchased ads on Entrecard sites to see which I should buy again;

Write a new post, mull over a new post or stress about not having a new post;

8am – 5pm: The Day Job

6pm – 8pm:

Review spam comments and release those incorrectly tagged;

Review and respond to comments;

Check Twitter and BlogCatalog again and engage if the mood strikes;

Return to comments left during the day and follow them back to the author’s blog; comment on theirs when the mood strikes; buy an Entrecard ad if they are an EC member and I can afford them;

Enjoy other blogs and comment. I religiously follow 26 blogs daily;

Respond to direct emails from other bloggers;

Write a new post, mull over a new post or stress about not having a new post;

9pm: Watch Family Feud.

10pm: Lights out and hope to literally dream up a blog post.

OK, so that’s four hours a day during the week. You thought this was a part-time job? Hell no!

Weekend duties:

Research and consider new WordPress plug-ins to use;

Read and comment on blogs I didn’t get a chance to visit during the work week;

Explore new ways to market my blog;

Sweat profusely if my host server goes down for Saturday morning maintenance or has a load issue;

Write a new post, mull over a new post or stress about not having a new post;

Check Copyscape to see if anyone stole my content;

Respond to direct emails from a half dozen close blogger friends.

Call or visit friends and family who haven’t abandoned me for being chained to my blog.

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So there you have it. My blogging life. If I ever manage to take a week’s vacation, is anyone up to the task of filling in for me? There’s nothing in it for you except the satisfaction of helping to keep The Junk Drawer breathing.

Although you’re probably too busy with your own blogs and might wonder, like I do, what you ever did before you started blogging.

Can you remember what you used to do before you gave yourself over to the Blog Monster?

Today marks the beginning of a new Junk Drawer series that I’m calling What’s That? Wednesday. It may turn out to be a supremely stupid idea, or it might be really cool and fun and awesome and everyone will steal it from me.

How it works:

I post a picture of part of an everyday object or product and you try to guess what it is.

First one to guess correctly receives something from the Junk Drawer Stuff gallery.

The caveats: I might forget sometimes if it’s Wednesday and not have anything to post. The pictures may be less than perfect and you’ll be annoyed at my crappy photo-taking skills. Or, I may tire of it at any time and discard it, just like all those bunnies I got rid of when they stopped being so cute. Just kidding. Really. I’M KIDDING!

If that’s OK with everybody, here goes!

OK, so what’s that?