My Bacon Hand is Awesome
Bacon, Bizarre, food March 12th, 2010A couple days ago on my lunchtime walk, I purposely avoided a man and his dog while crossing the street because the dog was unleashed. My walking partner asked if I was afraid of dogs and I said “Yes, the ones over 30 pounds do.” And this one looked like a 50lb pit bull mix, not the friendliest looking pooch. He said “Yeah, but he’s missing a foot.”
I hadn’t noticed right away, but the dog didn’t have a left hind foot. He could still walk easily and I assumed he could run after me easily, too, and rip my face off.
That night I had a dream wherein one of my cats’ paws fell off. I saw it a few inches from her body, lying on a pillow. She wasn’t in pain or anything. The paw was detached, that’s all.
So I took her to the vet and they gave her a replacement paw.
And what did the vet replace it with? Of course, a bacon-wrapped scallop paw.
And why did I have this dream?
Because of this video I’d watched earlier in the day:
The lesson here is if you’re going to eat your own paw, it should at least be wrapped in bacon, right?
I mentioned my dream to my co-workers and announced that I would like to have a hand that turns into a compact fist of freshly cooked bacon whenever I so desired. We discussed the ramifications of having such a hand.
Yes, having a bacon hand would be a problem unless the bacon functioned as a gripping device, but my bacon hand would not only be able to still function as a hand, but after I ate it, a new bacon hand would be instantly regenerated just like The Terminator. See? I’ve got it all covered.
In addition, my bacon hand would not be greasy when I need to use it as a hand. It would only be deliciously fatty and scrumptious when gnawed upon. I don’t mess around.
Now, what I need to know is what special powers would you like to have? They don’t have to involve food. In fact, one of my very real special powers doesn’t involve food at all. I can mentally cancel meetings that I don’t want to attend. Seriously.
Would you like a bacon hand? Not practical enough? Would you rather beam yourself places you have to go? Maybe clone yourself so you can get all your errands run at once? Turn into one of your pets for a day so you can see how they live?
Let’s have it!
Stumble it!
March 16th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Yeah, I’m all for the Jeannie *blink* thing so that all I have to do is *blink* and all those tedious chores are done leaving more time for the things I’d much rather be doing! Right now, I’d be using that power to paint every room in my house!
.-= Anna´s last blog ..OK, Enough of That Snow Photo! =-.
March 16th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
It’s donut hands or nothing for me, I’m afraid. Unless it’s cupcakes and the same principle that keeps your bacon hand from getting all greasy keeps my sprinkles intact.
WTF. I’m not even stoned.
.-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Spent 5 Days and 4 Nights at a Luxury . . . Hospital so you don’t have to =-.
March 17th, 2010 at 4:49 am
Lisa Alerity — Extra sympathies then.
Data Entry Services — I know!
meleah rebeccah — It was, and the sad thing is I can never prove it. I just have to achieve it again. Trying right now!
Anna — I’d like to blink myself to the end of today so I can go back to bed.
JD at I Do Things — Oh, I totally agree with the sprinkles thing. They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t do anything about sprinkle loss? Geesh.
March 17th, 2010 at 10:56 am
I would like to have psychic powers that enable me to predict in advance when my bosses are going to give me three big projects at the same time, due all at the same time. Then I could prep in the lull I usually have the week before they happen.
.-= Jenn of Many Cabbages´s last blog ..Peter Graves, Booth Scrounge and the Mission Impossible =-.
March 20th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Teleportation and flying would be nice, but I’ve always sort of wanted invisibility. If I could combine teleportation and invisibility, I think I’d have a winning combo.
Mind reading/writing would be neat, too. It might be a bit prone to abuse, though.
Also, along the lines of Bacon Hands, check out Salad Fingers on the web. Sort of semi-safe for work.
.-= GDad´s last blog ..Happy Equinox! =-.
April 4th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
I too is afraid of dogs they have bitten my ankle once. That’s why I do the same like what you did when I see dogs approaching.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
My cat pulls and chews on her own claws. I used to think she was the only cat alive that wished she would have been declawed…but maybe she just thinks they are bacon? Super powers, I don’t know but being able to become invisible might have its uses. Or walking through wall, I would never run face first into a glass screen door again.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Is Your Family Dog Leading A Double Life? =-.
April 17th, 2010 at 4:25 am
Jenn of Many Cabbages — But that happens to you because I bet you have the superpower to get all the project done on time. Stop doing that!
GDad — Ah, but too easy to use it for evil!
Inflatable — I would not like that superpower. I don’t want to know what people are thinking of me. I need therapy now as it is.
Andre Nievo — I run almost every time. Or get behind someone else so they can shield me.
Jennifer — Easier for your cat, then. She won’t need you clipping her nails. That’s the least favorite thing my cats have done to them (for both me and THEM). Ooo, I like walking through walls. Awesome.