Craptacular Christmas Gifts
Stupid things I do December 3rd, 2010I’m no fan of Christmas shopping. Not so much for the usual reasons, like having to shop with members of the insane general public and spend every last dime doing it.
It’s more because I’m the world’s worst gift-giver.
About five Christmases ago, I shopped online for really creative gifts for my husband Dave. Gifts I actually put some thought into. Things I assumed he would go nuts over and say “Wow! This is the best gift ever! You really outdid yourself!”
That was the year I got all artsy-fartsy and bought this:
An egg lamp.
An egg lamp that got used on a desk by the computer for a few weeks before it mysteriously wound up here and where it remains to this day:
An egg lamp that I thought was so funky and awesome and eggtastic and the gift to be outdone.
Wasn’t.
And then.
Last night my helpful husband said “Kathy, if you need any ideas for Christmas gifts for me, I would really like a small lamp for the computer room that I can sit on the desk.”
But …. but …. the egg lamp. I know it doesn’t cast enough light to read by. I know it doesn’t go with anything in the room. I know it’s only good for show and it was stupid and expensive and expensive and stupid, but still. It’s an egg lamp. Can’t you just squint and go blind a little?
No? OK, then. Let’s go with function over form this year.
Would this work? Cuz I really need it to be a winner this time.
So what about you? Have you ever bombed spectacularly in the gift-giving department?
If you’d like to read about more craptacular gifts, Tribal Blogs is having a worst gift carnival! Head on over to Redhead Ranting’s The Worst Christmas Gift, Ever and then check out the carnival to see more gift carnage. It’ll put you right in the holiday spirit!
Stumble it!
December 3rd, 2010 at 6:55 am
Maybe one day, if you keep it turned on, the egg lamp will hatch! We used to have a chicken-head lamp. It was a ceramic chicken head on the end of a long skinny bendable arm. I do not know where it went.
Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog post ..The Toy Monster!
December 3rd, 2010 at 8:02 am
I absolutely adore this lamp. I know its pricey, but maybe your husband likes things like this….
http://abductionlamp.com/order
December 3rd, 2010 at 8:04 am
All you need to go with that egg lamp is a bacon one. Maybe between the two they would cast enough light?
I kinda like the egg lamp:)
Rachele´s last blog post ..Grilled Chicken Salad
December 3rd, 2010 at 9:03 am
For a minute I thought that was one of those zen alarm clocks that gets gently brighter to wake you naturally. I totally want one of those, for that distant fantasy morning when I don’t have four paws with twenty six pounds of less than zen intention standing on my collarbones and hair to wake me up.
Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog post ..You Wanna Hear a Story
December 3rd, 2010 at 10:23 am
Did you remind him of the lamp, or did you just go through that conversation in your head? I ask because that is what I would do.
I’ve failed spectacularly at giving all sorts of things. Then again, if I fail, it might as well be in spectacular. Why do anything halfway?
Shakespeare´s last blog post ..Only You
December 3rd, 2010 at 10:23 am
So THAT’s where all the crap in my attic came from! My question is… if these gifts are all so crappy, why do we have such a hard time throwing them out?
CatLadyLarew´s last blog post ..Will the Real Lisbeth Salander Please Stand Up
December 3rd, 2010 at 10:40 am
Maybe all you need to do is paint the egg lamp so it can be an EASTER Egg Lamp and then gift it to someone else who might be more receptive! 🙂 I can’t remember the worst gift I’ve ever given. I guess my friends and family are kind enough to not let me know how poor my taste is. But I still remember one year when I was little, my grandma gave one of my brothers a popcorn baller. Seriously. This: http://shop.justpoppin.com/gourmet-popcorn-popcorn-ball-maker.html I have no idea why. If he was crazy about popcorn or something I could see, but this was just really random.
Surfie´s last blog post ..Motorcycle Mayhem
December 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 am
Meaning no disrespect to the egg lamp, Kathy, but my first thought when I saw the photo was, “Wow, that totally looks like it’s about to hatch a little alien that will grow up to disembowel all the passengers of some ill-fated spaceship.” I think it’s the glow that makes it look kind of menacing. Apparently I have issues with eggs. (Besides indigestion.)
absepa´s last blog post ..There are no magic numbers here
December 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 am
I have a pre teen boy. All the gifts I can give are going to suck, so I get used to it and save receipts.
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:11 pm
I’m gonna be all smug here and say that I have no knowledge of anyone not liking a gift I gave them. And as we get older it actually gets easier because we all have so much “stuff” that chocolate and favored bath items always do the trick. I have two friends who love, love their baths. One can only use cucumber-melon scented products because every other scent makes her itch, and the other has become addicted to the soothing lavender scent I started giving her a few years ago – she definitely needs “soothe”. I think they depend on me to keep them well supplied throughout the year. See? Easy!
Grace´s last blog post ..Heat seeking kitties
December 3rd, 2010 at 12:25 pm
If you bought your lamps from Fragile you would have the perfect lamp.
Jen´s last blog post ..Fuck Christmas
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:44 pm
I actually really like the egg lamp! (Beats a leg lamp anyway!) So, should you decide to re-gift it…
I’ve given a few gifts that fell flat. My wife is terribly hard to surprise and I usually miss the mark at least a little when I try. So, I tend to stick to really functional, practical stuff like the extra 19″ LCD computer monitor I bought her this year. I still like to go out on a limb for small jewelry and such, but I dare not give her fragrances or clothes – those almost never work out.
Rob O.´s last blog post ..Gobble Gobble!
December 3rd, 2010 at 1:50 pm
I think the egg lamp is beautiful! It would probably make a great kitchen nightlite. I assume of course that I’m not the only one who wonders around the kitchen in the middle of the night. Leaving the refrigerator door open is just too obvious
DJ´s last blog post ..Quick and Easy Volcano Model
December 3rd, 2010 at 2:35 pm
best light I ever bought was from ikea. It was a simple fixture that could be mounted by screw onto a wall or anything. With two of them, I was able to add cool accent lighting to a hallway that was previously dark enough that I would walk through it faster than most scary alleys. Cost me $12 a light.
Gift giving blunders: my grandmother once bought my brother condoms for Christmas. My brother was 14.
December 3rd, 2010 at 3:19 pm
I think it’s a really cool gift. Blindness is a worthwhile inconvenience for the privilege of having an artsy-fartsy egg lamp.
Did a chicken lamp hatch the egg lamp? If so, what came first the chicken lamp or the egg lamp?
I once gave my husband vibrating slippers – no, they’re not a marital aid – they ended up inside the bathroom cabinet accidentally set to vibrate. Thought we were having an earthquake.
Lauren´s last blog post ..I Can Retire Now That Ive Won the Australian Lottery
December 3rd, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Are you kidding? Moi? Give BAD gifts???? Ha! 😉
Now hubby; he’ll never top the ceramic whale he gave me for my birthday years ago… yep. A ceramic WHALE. I was too scared to ask “WHY? Just what are you hinting at?” (and we were out for dinner at the time).
I still have the thing to remind me to actually put some thought into each and every gift I give. So I guess it became valuable after all.
Maureen´s last blog post ..White Thursday – Black Friday
December 3rd, 2010 at 6:12 pm
Daisy the Curly Cat — I once made my mom put an egg in a pan so it would heat up and hatch. She humored me. It didn’t hatch and then I had a sad. I wanted to see a chick. I think your lamp and my lamp would make a fine pair, don’t you?
Fifthmarch — When my husband sees that lamp, he’s going to order it. Thanks. I think.
Rachele — That is a most awesome idea. They make so much bacon paraphernalia these days, someone somewhere must have designed one. Thanks for your yes vote on the lamp!
Sheildmaiden — Seriously, you won’t ever get to enjoy a zen lamp in a house with a cat in it. I’m glad you understand it’s just not possible. Cool idea, but no.
Shakespeare — Through my head. In fact, I immediately started writing this post in my head the second he finished making his lamp request. Yes, failing must be done in a way that makes people say “Remember when Shakespeare….. total awesome failure!”
CatLadyLarew — That is the question. I have no answer. And maybe you can also tell me why I’m hanging on to not one, but two broken printers in the closet. Get back to me.
Surfie — Oh, how I love that idea! You’re so creative. Maybe you should Christmas shop for my husband! That popcorn baller cracked me up. What the? Would it really be so hard to make them without it? That’s hilarious.
absepa — Yes, and I think it burps when it’s done eating you. It’s supposed to be a nice calming glow, but clearly it’s got horror movie written all over it.
SewDucky — Spoken like someone who knows the feeling. I’m getting him strictly functional gifts this year. And the lamp he wanted. Really wanted.
Grace — If I had a “sure thing” like you do, I’d give that and only that every single year from here on out. Why must we suffer trying to be creative every year? Really, why?
Jen — Hee. Incidentally, I have a jigsaw puzzle of the leg lamp. I got it for about $0.05 from that church bizarre I went to last month.
Rob O. — I’m glad you like it. That makes two of us! I really ought to try and sell that thing at a yard sale. It cost something like 60 bucks. Would love to get $10 for it. It sounds like you learned your lesson, as have I. It’s functional all the way, baby. Safest route, no doubt.
DJ — Thank you! I think I might have put it out in the kitchen for a spell, once I realized it was useless for actual reading light in the office. But then it got in the way and then it went to the Gifts That Suck graveyard.
geoff — Wow, something cool from Ikea that you didn’t have to spend a day putting together? I hate our night lights. They, too, don’t shine enough light! Cracking up at the condoms. What was she thinking? I imagine the first thing a 14 yr old boy would do with them is fill them with water and throw them at people.
Lauren — I know! He could even use a magnifying glass. Geesh. OK, what? Vibrating slippers? Do we really need to vibrate our feet? Does anyone use them in your house? Inquiring minds want to know.
Maureen — I’m so sorry about the whale. Where is it now? Closet? Basement? Box in garage? I’m glad it helps you become a better gift giver. Me? I’m hopeless.
December 3rd, 2010 at 6:19 pm
I think the lamp was very cool (and thoughtful). Now, if this were me it start a whole new yearly gift giving experience – this year dave would get a lamp to set next to his computer alright – this cute little fried egg lamp.
http://www.amazon.com/Fried-Egg-Touch-Lamp-Night/dp/B0042FGZE4
After receiving some really odd gifts from my husband I’ve started taping pictures of what I want every where.
December 3rd, 2010 at 7:04 pm
The vibrating slippers are no more; they are gone, have expired. Likely premeditated murder. Maybe my husband hired a hit man.
Lauren´s last blog post ..I Can Retire Now That Ive Won the Australian Lottery
December 3rd, 2010 at 8:37 pm
I’m surprised to be the first with this one…. Regift the egg lamp. To your husband! He asked for a lamp, wrap up the damned thing and give it right back to him! BLAMMO
.endtransmission.´s last blog post ..The One With The Most Toys
December 3rd, 2010 at 9:39 pm
For what it’s worth, I like the egg lamp.
Nicky´s last blog post ..Cheese In The News – Vol 16
December 3rd, 2010 at 10:29 pm
You could just get a color changing LED bulb for it to replace the existing bulb (http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/lights/831e/ ). You can even set up a color code system at home, like the recently discontinued one from DHS. You press a button on a remote to reflect you mood (happy, sad, tired, angry, bacon-deprived, writers blocked, etc). When Dave gets home he can just glance at the egg lamp, evaluate its color, and make an intelligent, strategic decisions about the rest of the day.
Cromely´s last blog post ..Movie Review 17- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I
December 4th, 2010 at 7:37 am
I once spent hours making peanutbutter macadamia nut cookies for my first boyfriend. (I hate cooking and I’m not so good at it.) The next morning at school I snuck them in his locker. When he opened his locker he got really upset and threw them on the floor. It turns out he was very allergic to peanut butter and macadamia nuts and thought someone was pulling a (very dangerous!) prank.
December 4th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Kathy, did you really give your husband that dumb egg lamp for Christmas? Tell me you are joking, right? That egg lamp is kind of like giving someone plastic vomit, Honey. Kathy, I know you can do better than that! Get him a subscription to Playboy! Get him a beautiful key fob! Get him a wine club membership! Get him a beer of the month subscription! Get him the porno film “Suzi Wong’s First Time”!
Linda Medrano´s last blog post ..I Got The Drama From My Mama
December 4th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Since goats don’t give gifts…except some timely gas, I cannot really participate in this discussion.
Unless you would like me to send you some goat gas.
Pricilla´s last blog post ..What Did the Farm Cats See
December 4th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
LMAO @ the egg lamp… It’s just so funny…
J. Bear Savo´s last blog post ..Bardship from a Bashed Brain
December 4th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
I would LOVE that lamp. So you can just pack that up and send it to me. K Thx Bye! I am actually that person that no one knows what to get. Which I find odd because people tell me I am easy to please with gifts. Although I wonder if that is nice way of calling me simple.
December 5th, 2010 at 2:21 am
Oh I SO messed up one year. My son wanted Guitar Hero SO BAD for Christmas… so i got it. I like to think I am pretty cool as far as kids stuff… I knew all the Pokemon, I know what consoles they have and which games they play on each… well, Xmas morning he KNEW the box size, was so excited, opened it and just as he did I saw it… I didn’t get the Xbox one… I saw before he did. I KNOW this stuff. I KNOW what kind to get. Not sure HOW it happened… I started to BAWL. He was such a good sport.. “it’s OK mom, we will return it tomorrow..” which made me cry more. He had to wait one more day… every once in a while he smiles and says, “Hey mom, remember the Christmas you failed?”
December 5th, 2010 at 6:26 am
sheila — I love the fried egg lamp! It’s perfect. Now where’s that bacon and toast lamp? You’re smart with the pictures. It may take some fun out of it, but then you know he’ll get the right thing and no money will be wasted. You know, lamp money.
Lauren — LMAO. Maybe somewhere they’re still vibrating quietly, hoping someone comes by with sore feet.
entransmission — Well, he did just ask for a new one. I should keep wrapping it for him every year as a gag gift. At least it’ll get out of the closet once a year.
Nicky — Yea! It seems to be running about 50/50 in the love it or hate it department. I still love it.
Cromely — That’s very cool. I loved the purple light in the Human Motion Lab picture on the customer action shot tab. BTW, “bacon-deprived” would be red. Very, very red and panicky.
daughterbonnie — Awww, that’s too bad! But your heart was in the right place. You still get credit for a good gift. Incidentally, I once sent an entire carton of Cadbury eggs to a boyfriend at college. They arrived cracked and oozing. Brilliant move, huh?
Linda Medrano — I did and at the time I was proud of it! Hey, I wish I’d given him plastic vomit. It would have cost me about 50 bucks less! You know, the wine club membership isn’t a bad idea. I might use that.
Pricilla — No, thank you. We have plenty of other gas to go around. But I appreciate the offer. It’s really the thought that counts. Do you get extra special apples on Christmas?
J. Bear Savo — Sure, now it is. I don’t remember Dave’s reaction to it when he opened it. I’m sure it was something along the lines of receiving a pair of socks. No, wait. He would have been more excited to get socks.
Phunnieone – Oh, I’m glad you like it so much. I’m simple, too. But Dave doesn’t shop for me as though I am. He always comes up with the greatest, most useful or enjoyable gifts for me. I feel stupid when I can’t return the favor.
Katherine — Aw, what a sad Christmas story. I know how much you wanted to get the right one on the right day. It’s OK, your son sounds like a trooper and I bet the 24 hours went like that. Sorry you’ll never let it down though. I hope you can laugh about it now?
December 5th, 2010 at 10:21 am
I would want an egg lamp. Why wouldn’t you want an egg lamp? You could get like a whole farm set of furniture. Cow curtains, pig pillows, house television. So many possibilities.
December 5th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
You could always get him the ‘LEG LAMP’ from the movie ‘A Christmas Story!’ And don’t feel badly Kathy. I am an awful gift giver.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post ..Hanukkah 2010 – The Movie
December 6th, 2010 at 1:45 am
We learned one year that my sister-in-law is not a fan of Bette Midler’s when we bought her a cd that we thought she was going to love and her reaction was less than enthusiastic.
Apart from that, I have a reputation for buying the ideal gift. Sorry.
I like the egg lamp.
Kat
Poetikat´s last blog post ..International put your poem in a shop month IPYPIASM – or maybe a PUB! See what happens!
December 6th, 2010 at 2:34 am
Yes, I’ve failed spectacularly at gift giving at various points in my life. I must say, the egg lamp is pretty funny. I once knitted a something or another. Whatever it was, must have been so bad that I can’t remember the gift now. The mind is self protective!
Lee@Unique Gift Baskets´s last blog post ..Dec 6- Birthday Gift Ideas for Women- Birthday Gift for Women- Women Birthday Gift Idea
December 6th, 2010 at 3:58 am
This lamp is awesome! I like the minimalist stye!
December 6th, 2010 at 9:58 am
Thanks for enlightening me on the dos and don’ts of Christmas shopping This was very illuminating, Kathy. If I hadn’t read this I’d still be in the dark. Okay, I’m gonna go now.
nonamedufus´s last blog post ..The Worst Christmas Present Ever
December 6th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Okay, that lamp is cool, man. It’s art and it makes a quiet little statement.
Now then, if your husband does not appreciate the artistic value of that lamp, I am positive you could hold a massive raffle/contest for that masterpiece on this here blog and people would push and shove each other to have a chance to win it.
I’m just throwing that out there.
cardiogirl´s last blog post ..My worst Christmas present ever used to belong to a dead woman
December 6th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
You’re right. We wouldn’t be able to keep a zen lamp because of Seamus.
Personally, though, I must say I like the bare light bulb. Lots of light, very utilitarian. Is your husband an engineer? If so, I bet he would like it too. 🙂
Unfinishedrambler´s last blog post ..Patron of the Week- Mrs I’m-Actually-Going-To-Squabble-Over-A-20-Cent-Fine
December 6th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
I think your egg lamp is just for show or, if you had kids, it would make a great night light. You’d be safer to buy him a boring office light on a snake arm this time, and clean up the egg lamp for someone else 😉
Babs – beetle´s last blog post ..The Worst Christmas Present Ever!
December 6th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
I once bought my mother the exact same little jacket that my neice’s mother-in-law had bought my neice. Same color and everything. The only problem is my mother hates those particular inlaws…thank you Costco, for providing me the opportunity to give my mother the gift of EPIC FAIL.
Karen´s last blog post ..Day One Week Three
December 6th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Oh! Oh! I found the perfect desk lamp for you… and it is only $3.82!!
http://www.mixmelot.com/sku-30184
I am sure your husband will think it is perfect!
Sparkle´s last blog post ..The Lamest-Ever Christmas Present
December 6th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
I seem to be able to give the right gifts *knock on wood*, but I never learned to wrap properly when I was a kid. My scotch-tape monstrosities became part of the family tradition that I am happy to carry on. The plus side is no one can guess what the gift is by its curious shape.
December 6th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
A Christmas card will do just fine, thank you. Oh, and you might want to let Dave or your sister pick it out for you.
Tarheel Rambler´s last blog post ..The White Christmas That Sucked
December 6th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Regan — Careful what you wish for, you just might find it under your tree.
meleah rebeccah — I love the leg lamp. I actually saw one of them (an expensive version) at a Christmas party in someone’s home. I was shocked at how attractive it looked. I mean, it’s a leg lamp!
Poetikat — Aww, too bad! I hate that moment of excitement, only to be followed by the bubble burst. I’m glad you like the egg. And here I thought everyone would hate it.
Lee — That’s sadder than anything. If you make something with your own two hands, people should cry with glee when they open it, no? Or at least fake it?
Anja — Me too! It’s bare and it’s lit. What more could you ask for? It’s decorative in its own sad little way.
nonamedufus — Dude, you with all the puns today?
CG — You are quite right. I could offer it for a What’s That Wednesday prize. Although I suspect I should add bacon bandaids, too, for those who wouldn’t recognize the awesomeness of the egg lamp. Bacon makes everything better.
Unfinished Rambler — He is not, but he appreciates simple things, which is why I do not understand why he didn’t go gaga over the egg. What gives?
Babs Beetle — We did try to use it as a night light in the kitchen for a spell, but it just got in the way and we were always worried we’d drop it to the floor. A cracked egg lamp is worse than a whole one.
Karen — Crap! You couldn’t have known, though, right? Right?
Sparkle — I love it for being cheap and I love it for being tacky. And for all I know, he would love it. At this point, I just resigned myself to the realization that knowing someone for 24 years doesn’t mean you know what they want as gifts. It makes no sense, but that’s how it is, dammit.
Medical Assistant — My brother-in-law wraps gifts in newspaper. He doesn’t even use tape. He uses rubberbands to secure it. It’s the source of much hilarity at gift-giving time. You can do no worse.
Tarheel Rambler — Oh, yeah. You remember I suck at picking out cards, right? You know, I bought you a get well card and never sent it. I’ll probably mail it in the summer just to confuse the hell out of you.
December 6th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
I don’t recall a bombtastic gift I’ve given, but I’d sure like to know how many battery operated card shufflers one person needs. I now have 3 of them. If you want to know what to get me…don’t get me a battery operated card shuffler. Who even uses those things?
Lola’s Diner´s last blog post ..Worst Christmas Gift Ever
December 6th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Well, you could take the egg lamp and paint/decorate it, and try to pass it off this year as a Faberge’ (did I spell that right?) egg lamp! Think he’d believe you?
SuziCate´s last blog post ..One Never “Nose” The Power Of Words
December 7th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
I have stopped giving out gifts to my husband because I never pick the right one. I’ve tried cologne, jewelry, clothes, gadgets…and he finds something about it that’s not quite right. So I have resorted to offering him and pretty much my whole family the visa gift cards so that they can choose what they want..I am done with shopping and picking out the wrong things. LOL
December 9th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
The leg lamp does rock! That’s why I suggested it. And because I have one myself! 🙂
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post ..Hanukkah 2010 – The Movie
December 13th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
We have cured this years problem of not being able to decide what gifts to each other…….we aint going to bother.
We have decided to spend the money we normaly spend on presents to each other on treats and goodies we choose together. Fine wine and food, chocolate etc, and no more stressing
June 15th, 2011 at 4:59 am
It was my best friend’s birthday and I planned a secret party. We worked together in the same office. Everything was in place, the surprise gift, surprise guests, just about everything. I just needed to order a special cake. I picked up the phone and asked the operator to connect me to the Macrina Bakery at FC. I placed the order for a grand cake and something to eat. Everything was in place.
The surprise moment; I got a call from the bakery that my order was ready. We assembled in the food court of our office and brought the birthday girl along under some pretext. Next was the wow moment.
Where’s the cake? I enquired with the bakery manager. You know what he told me; “Sorry mam, I don’t see an order by your name.” Huh!!! After a lot heated arguments, it was realised that, the order indeed was placed; but, at the Macrina Bakery at FC Road. And, I asked that operator to connect to me to one at FC (I meant Food Court, you idiot). This place was some 60-65 miles away and it took him a couple of hours for the grand cake to arrive. By that time all the enthusiasm and excitement had fizzled out.