Where There’s a Hair, There’s a Way
Stuff I hate, work February 4th, 2011I have eyebrow OCD.
No, I’m not one of those women who plucks her eyebrows until there’s no hair left and then have to pencil in new ones. That’s just freaky and wrong.
I will, however, obsess over a wayward, disobedient hair and won’t be able to function until it’s plucked and gone.
You know that hair, right? The one that sticks out so long it starts to curl like a question mark, when all the other hairs are lying down flat like good little hyphens? Yeah, that one.
Yesterday I found a question mark.
At work.
Where I don’t have tweezers.
I did find this, though. It’s a Swiss Army card. I think you use it if your office gets hit by an avalanche and you have to MacGyver your way out.
Lookie here. We have scissors, a letter opener/blade, a pressurized ballpoint pen, a magnifying glass, an LED light, four screwdriver tips and TWEEZERS.
Score!
Since I didn’t have a mirror, and a coworker who likely had one wasn’t around, I headed to the ladies room and got working on my hairy question mark.
I had problems immediately because there was barely any tension in my cheap Swiss Army tweezers. Over and over, they kept slipping off the hair.
Then I heard a very faint rustle coming from a nearby stall. That was the “I’m here, wish you weren’t” rustle of someone trying to take care of business.
The #1 rule of bathroom etiquette? You exit the room if there is someone thinking really hard in there. They don’t need you loitering any more than you want to hear them thinking.
So I leave disappointed. The hair will have to wait. GRRRRR!
As soon as I get in the hallway, I’m ambushed by a student who frantically asks me the time.
When I tell him it’s 9:30 he says "Oh, man. That’s late. I’m really late for class, like 20 minutes late. I overslept! I never oversleep! I don’t want to go in now. Should I or shouldn’t I?"
I’m thinking "Dude, do you NOT see this question mark growing out of my head? I got bigger problems. Outta my way, Jack."
I wish him luck with his decision and leave him standing frozen in his tracks. I feel a little sorry for him, but not sorrier than I am about my errant hair. Priorities, people.
I head to a different ladies room upstairs. Good, no one’s in here.
Now. Let’s get to work.
I figure out how to pull hair easier by positioning my fingers at the tip of the Swiss Army tweezers and putting all the pressure there. Except, I keep pulling the wrong hairs.
Every time I think I have the question mark in my grip, it’s not. It’s a hyphen.
I’ve now pulled at least five hyphens and still have the question mark. And now the left brow is looking a little thinner than the right. Uh-oh.
Come on, Kath. Question mark! Question mark!
I’m also getting red and puffy under the hairs because I’m over-plucking hyphens and they scream on the way out and leave a mark.
Worried now that I’m going to have to spend the rest of the day looking like a cross between Rocky Balboa and Bozo the Clown, and also scared someone will walk in on me during my hair surgery, I retreat and return to my office.
Luckily, my coworker is back at her desk and loans me a compact. Hunched over the mirror, I fluff up what remains of my left brow so the question mark stands out. Again. There it is, still taunting me. Oh, I’ve got you now.
With a steady hand, expert precision and perfect pressure, I grab hold of the question mark and yank away. I’ve got it! Yes, I’ve got it! Oh, sweet relief.
When I get home to a normal pair of tweezers, I even out and shape up my brows like I should have done sooner.
I make a mental note to buy a spare pair of tweezers so I can keep one at work because I’m pretty sure I’ll see another question mark – or worse, an ampersand – and I want to be ready for that bad boy.
&
Yeah. It could happen.
Stumble it!
February 4th, 2011 at 4:20 pm
If I were you, I’d write a strongly worded letter to the good people of Switzerland, suggesting that they put a mirror on all tweezer-enabled army gadgets.
People of Switzerland! She will not be denied! She will know vengeance!
That is all.
February 4th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
But there was a perfectly good pair of scissors there to turn that naughty question mark into a nice little hyphen. I hardly ever pluck. Scissors are my friend. But don’t run with them.
February 4th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Oh that had me really chuckling! Wait until you get the question mark, the exclamation mark and the brackets all together and in both eyebrows!
*They don’t need you loitering any more than you want to hear them thinking.* Ha ha!
Babs (beetle)´s last blog post ..Why should we have our wills written
February 4th, 2011 at 4:25 pm
Ah, the fun of keeping the brows ‘in-line’…mine used to be quite thick and after years of plucking, preening and careful shaving angles, I now have very sparse eyebrows that need enhancing with a pencil. No, I don’t have to draw the whole damn brow in, but if i don’t add something, I got no notable hypen-age.
Lisa´s last blog post ..Balls to the Wall- in More Than One Way!
February 4th, 2011 at 4:39 pm
At least you don’t have the straight line. Unibrow, anyone?
February 4th, 2011 at 5:22 pm
I have to make a confession: I’m not nearly brave enough to tweeze my eyebrows. (Oh, the pain! And the swelling and redness!) Remington makes a wee little shaver thingy called the “Perfect Touch,” and I use that instead. It probably doesn’t look as nice as tweezed brows, but it’s much less traumatic.
absepa´s last blog post ..How do I hate thee- AT&T Oh- Im going to count the ways
February 4th, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Yeah, I have one question mark that will eventually bug me, or Gail. She’s a cosmetologist (among other things) and is tuned in to hair. I just hope I don’t turn into my father completely, because as he grew older, he has ALL question marks!
I’m glad you got it taken care of without losing too many hyphens. I could picture you having a balancing problem, ending up with painted eyebrows! LOL
Ferd´s last blog post ..Stone Mountain State Park
February 4th, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Damn question marks. I get obsessed with fingernail splits and hanging bits of skin. I’ve also got eyebrow issues. One is always thinner than the other. It’s all about perspective. It’s different with each eye. Also,sometimes you might inadvertently be doing the John Belushi eyebrow thing in the middle of a pluck. When you’re so focused on the pluck, you can miss an eyebrow anomaly. Btw, what mark did the over-plucked hyphens leave?
Lauren´s last blog post ..A Note to God from a Dissatisfied Customer
February 4th, 2011 at 11:18 pm
I have to agree with Barb. Just trim the damned thing into a hyphen. No pain. No precision issues. Just one little snick with scissors and no more question mark. But you could get an exclamation mark!
Linda Medrano´s last blog post ..Falling From Grace
February 5th, 2011 at 6:07 am
Thomas C — LMAO. It’s funny, I never thought of that. And wouldn’t it make sense to have a mirror on a Swiss Army card, you know, when you’re lost in the woods and you need to summon help? I mean, the magnifying glass can probably help you start a fire. Or something.
Barb — Ah, but lest you forget how clumsy I am. I would likely take out 25 hyphens in the process. And then I’ll have the permanent surprised look.
Babs Beetle — And now you have me laughing. Can you imagine how bad brows would look with an entire keyboard full of punctuation marks? Scary! (And probably a little like Andy Rooney, who I read said that he never trims his eyebrows because it’s vain. Uh. Yeah, but it’s also good grooming, you freak.)
Lisa — I’m sorry to hear that and a little scared. That’s what my stylist says about not plucking gray hairs on my head. She says eventually the hair won’t grow back and I’m toying with baldness. “Hyphenage.” I like that word.
MA Fat Woman — And thank God for that. Of course, waxing is a girl’s best friend and there is no excuse in this day and age for the Uni-brow. None!
absepa — My sister tweezes and I can’t believe she puts up with the pain. She says that waxing would be more traumatic. Yeah, but it lasts for just a millisecond. Tweezing can go on all day.
Ferd — I used to work with a guy who had question marks coming out of his nose. It was so disgusting. I couldn’t believe he was married and his wife let him out of the house like that. You’re lucky you have Gail to keep you fresh and trimmed. Let her do whatever is necessary, OK?
Lauren — I do too, with the fingernails. I’m forever pulling the little bits off, sometimes there’s blood. Oy. I had such a hard time because it as hard to see which hair I was pulling and I got overzealous, figuring if I had one, it might be the right one. I had a red bump under the brow for like half an hour. Freak show!
Linda Medrano — Yeah, and then all my exclamation marks are sticking out straight! You gotta know I’d screw up the cutting if I tried.
February 5th, 2011 at 6:19 am
Hmmm, all my eyebrows grow into wacky question marks and ampersands and such. I think it is okay, as long as the eyebrow hair doesn’t poke you in the eyeball. Then it is time for a trim.
Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog post ..A Manly Robe
February 5th, 2011 at 9:44 am
See… If that was a men’s room, you wouldn’t have had to leave. Men can shit no matter who’s around.
J. Bear Savo´s last blog post ..The Suicide of Superman
February 5th, 2011 at 11:22 am
Goats don’t have eyebrows. Sounds like this is a good thing…
Pricilla´s last blog post ..Somegoat Needs to Learn Some Manners
February 5th, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Hee! I love that you can make plucking your eyebrows hilarious.
I once had a rogue eyebrow hair — I guess you could say it was shaped like a parenthesis — that I could SEE in my upper peripheral vision; it was that long and crazy. I was at an outdoor festival somewhere and thus had no access to tweezers. Oh, I tried pulling it out by hand. That’s something I really do not recommend.
JD at I Do Things´s last blog post ..I Scammed a Happy Meal so you don’t have to
February 5th, 2011 at 12:44 pm
I get those eyebrow hairs that stand at attention when there is no officer present. Sheesh.
But, I have more issues with my eyelashes. They are kinky-curly and there is a wayward lash that just has to stick out in a weird direction. The curler doesn’t help! Mascara makes my lashes look like they would enter the room before the rest of me and then flakes all over the place.
ReformingGeek´s last blog post ..Holy Wormcicles- Batman!
February 5th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
The point of writing this was for us to snort laugh whilst reading right?
susie@newdaynewlesson´s last blog post ..Don’t Be Your Children’s Doctor Even If You Are A Doctor Or A Nurse
February 5th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Kathy – wait till you get as old as me. ALL my eyebrow hairs are weird. And I tame them at night and I swear they’ve grown back by the morning. Wax and tint is the only thing that seems to help for me. Though I think the beautician also does something called threading.
February 5th, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Eyebrow OCD? I think I get that sometimes. Like when mine start to block my vision. Then I just have to do something. Like maybe brush them upwards out of the way. I guess that is guy eyebrow OCD or something.
Will´s last blog post ..Driving Drunk – A Cherished Tradition
February 6th, 2011 at 10:36 am
That was a funny post but it didn’t speak to me personally as I am groomed by monkeys.
Acadia´s last blog post ..Podcaturday – I’m almost dead I think
February 6th, 2011 at 1:46 pm
I’m just glad you have eyebrow OCD instead of bikini line OCD. Because how fun would THAT be?
February 6th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Oh Kathy, I am cracking up over this. I also suffer from eyebrow OCD and that question mark would have driven me crazy too! Glad you finally got it – and I’m glad you were able to even out your eyebrows when you got home.
meleah rebeccah´s last blog post ..A High School Midterm Exam
February 7th, 2011 at 5:02 am
Daisy the Curly Cat — Yes! You have CURLY and CRAZY eyebrows! Welcome to the club. It’s only a fun club if you’re a cat, eh?
J. Bear Savo — I was waiting for someone to say that. I figured as much.
Pricilla — Yes, but you have beards! Do you have to groom those before a night on the town?
JD at I Do Things — It is impossible to pull out by hand, as you now know. So how insane did you go at the festival, knowing it was there and that you couldn’t get to it? I would have totally left, no matter how much fun I was having. You can’t look at a wayward parentheses for five minutes, much less five hours. The agony!
Reforming Geek — OK, so have you ever considered trying to pluck that weirdo eye lash? A friend told me her husband actually did that once because it was sticking in his eye and scratching his cornea. I cannot imagine the pain. Eye lid skin has GOT to be way more sensitive. Ugh.
Susie — Yes, yes it was.
Shirls — Threading? What?! OMG, I don’t want to get older. I’d be happy if I just stayed this age for the rest of my life. I’m scared.
Will — Good boy! Yes, brush them out of the way and smooth them down. Don’t do an Andy Rooney because people will stare at you, especially women. We do that in the hopes we can “tweeze” you into submission.
Acadia — LMAO!
Nanny Goats — I can think of any number of ways that bikini OCD would drive me insane. Can you imagine tweezing there? The women who wax there are my heroes. Crazy, crazy heroes.
meleah — I think I still need a wax, though. I’m not into plucking 30 of them one at a time. I’m annoyed having to go to a salon for the procedure, but I don’t think they make a do-it-yourself waxing kit, at least not for me. I need both eyebrows.
February 7th, 2011 at 7:53 am
Oh, that reminds me that I need some tweezers for my purse too. I hate it when I’m working and I find a new “chinny” on my chin and then I just obsess about it until I can get rid of it. I’m thinking nobody else probably sees it, but just knowing that it is there drives me CRAZY! And it’s really embarrassing to have to ask a coworker for tweezers because you have a chinny. Sigh.
lin´s last blog post ..Color Me Monday
February 7th, 2011 at 9:11 am
I’m with you lin. I get little chin hairs all the time, and I only ever find them when I’m at work or otherwise in public. I now have a pair of tweezers in my desk and another pair in my purse.
Michelle´s last blog post ..A Dream About the End of the World
February 7th, 2011 at 4:00 pm
OMG, I totally understand. I hate wayward eyebrow hairs on OTHER PEOPLE. I cannot focus on a thing they are saying to me at that point because the fricking hair is just..waving.. ugh.
Desi´s last blog post ..Mommy- Not-So-Perfect – At WORK
February 7th, 2011 at 5:21 pm
This is one time when I can honestly say I’m glad I have no eyebrows… I simply draw them on each morning. Now, those chin hairs are another thing entirely…
CatLadyLarew´s last blog post ..Echoes of the Past- A Magpie Tale
February 8th, 2011 at 6:18 am
Having an errant hair and no tweezers is close to Chinese water torture. That truly is the way to drive me insane. And like Lin, it ain’t always an eyebrow hair that gets my attention.
cardiogirl´s last blog post ..Party of four- The anger management edition
February 8th, 2011 at 3:10 pm
So much drama over one little hair…..
Bruce´s last blog post ..Born Free To Dance With Black Holes
February 9th, 2011 at 2:09 pm
I’m impressed you stuck it out. Seriously. People have resigned over less. How did you make it through?
Paula/adhocmom´s last blog post ..Sometimes No Schedule is the Best Schedule
February 10th, 2011 at 4:15 pm
It’s really lucky that you have such an understanding office-mate. We all seem to have our debilitating quirks. One of my best friends practically falls to the floor when he hears two pieces of Styrofoam rubbing together, but that’s kind of out of his control to remedy by plucking.
February 11th, 2011 at 8:36 pm
I don’t OCD over mine too much. I’m a redhead and you can hardly see them. Other people (My husband and my one hairy son – not so much) Hubby has one that would grow to about two feet (i think he wants to use it to cover his thinning hair) and my son just has bushy eyebrows that always need to be brushed. Anyway, when they see me with a tweezers, they run – but I ALWAYS catch them. Poor guys.
February 16th, 2011 at 6:21 pm
I guess I grew out of caring about my hair as much. Actually I would say now that I care too little and should put in more effort to my hair-do’s haha
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February 28th, 2011 at 11:03 pm
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March 28th, 2011 at 5:06 pm
I know this is an old post but today this happened to me…but with a chin hair!! I’ve never had a gross hard DARK BLACK chin hair. Pure panic!! No tweezers in sight, I went to my stores emergency kit thinking at the very least I could cut it with nail clippers. Then, inside the kit, a beautful green set of tweezers!! 🙂
August 24th, 2011 at 7:00 am
I’m glad you got it taken care of without losing too many hyphens. I could picture you having a balancing problem, ending up with painted eyebrows!
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