Harry Potter, As Told By the Only Person Alive Who Hasn’t Read the Series or Seen the Movies
literary July 23rd, 2011They ask me how it’s possible.
How is it that I’ve missed out on the greatest story ever told this side of the Bible?
How is it that I don’t know Harry Potter?
Part of the reason is that when my sister loaned me the first book in the series, I didn’t make it past the first 25 pages or so.
Why?
Because poor Harry was locked in a closet under the steps by mean relatives after his parents were killed. Or something.
That’s as far as I got before I was too sad to continue. Despite encouragement from friends and family to give it another shot – and that I’d be well-rewarded if I did – I never picked it up again.
I also never saw a single Potter movie.
So I missed the multi-bazillion dollar franchise that even newborn babies knew about because their mothers read them the books while they were pregnant.
I do know bits and pieces of the story because you can’t avoid hearing about it unless you’ve been in a coma for 15 years.
So here is the story of Harry Potter, as told by someone who doesn’t know Harry Potter.
Harry’s parents are killed by some mean guy. Voldemort? I think he’s the guy they call “He Who Shall Not Be Named.”
An owl visits Harry at the house of his mean relatives and tells him to go to a train station. If he blasts through a wall at just the right spot, he’ll be transported to Hogwarts, a school for wizards.
Harry is a wizard.
We know this because there’s a lightening bolt tattooed to his forehead. I think it makes him extra special, right?
Harry also wears big round Carol Channing glasses.
He meets a red-headed kid on the train on the way to Hogwarts.
They meet a chick, Hermaine.
Is Harry sweet on her? I do not know.
Everyone at the school wears black graduation gowns and carries wands.
They do wizardy things at the wizard school.
They fly. Do they fly? Yes, I think they fly.
They also morph into animals and other things when the situation warrants. Maybe? I do not know.
There are muggles. I don’t know what muggles are, but they sound like furry slippers to me. Are they furry slippers?
Some gigantic, hairy man tells Harry he can avenge his parents’ murder by … by…. I do not know. Killing Voldemort?
How does he do this?
All together now! I do not know!
I’m sure there was some other stuff in between all that. Five, six, seven books’ worth and maybe one million words? I missed a few.
And thus concludes my knowledge of Harry Potter. How’d I do?
Are you mortified I don’t know the story? Is my life incomplete? Do you want to nail me down to a chair and make me read it, at least until I know what a muggle is?
Are there any of you out there who are Harry Potter-ignorant like me?
Stumble it!
July 25th, 2011 at 8:44 pm
Life will not be made better for you if you read Harry Potter.
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July 25th, 2011 at 11:44 pm
Have not read the books, nor seen the movies. Thought I was alone in this. Glad to know I have company.
July 26th, 2011 at 3:09 am
Haven’t read the book, but i can’t wait to watch that movie….
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July 26th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
never read the books or saw any of the movies…and really not interested…and wouldn’t go to the theme park either….just my 2 cents!
July 26th, 2011 at 6:21 pm
I bought the books when they came out with intentions of reading them (which I never did) so I am keeping them for the grandkids. I think I saw one movie via tv and have gotten the dvds for the grands also when they visit. I guess we have missed out on the most exciting thing since sliced bread but remember bread is not good for you either..
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July 26th, 2011 at 8:36 pm
I made it five pages into the first book before zoning out, and five minutes into the first movie before falling asleep. I just can’t get into it. Glad to know I’m not the only one!
July 26th, 2011 at 11:07 pm
I read them all and saw all the movies. Although the movies are true to the books the books are the best especially the first one. I really liked the first. I am surprised that so many people haven’t read them.
July 27th, 2011 at 8:03 am
Add me in that list of Harry Potter ignorant as well! And I say you did a pretty good job of the story coz I dont think I would have managed even that 😀
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July 27th, 2011 at 9:09 am
I would have been Harry Potter-ignorant, but I read all seven books OUT LOUD to Sean and Tessa at bedtime. Tessa loved them, and Sean did, too. I frankly got tired of a kid who had a magic wand and never used it to check a few skirts. It was a LOOOOOOOOONNNGGGG story that I could never get lost in.
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July 28th, 2011 at 12:31 am
I love harry Potter but I don’t read its books because i really don’t like reading…Anyway, thanks for this post…
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July 28th, 2011 at 4:46 pm
A muggle is a normal person, who isn’t a wizard…lol 😀 now you know!
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July 29th, 2011 at 5:31 pm
I think I have seen one, maybe two of the Potter movies. By the end of the last one, I thought to myself….this is stupid. I am going to go out, live my life, do something interesting and then in about 10 years there will be a DVD boxed set of all the Potter films (with outtakes and never before seen scenes) and I will rent it and watch the whole saga over a long weekend. The hype just isn’t worth it.
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July 29th, 2011 at 10:12 pm
FUNNY! I loved the first book, enjoyed the second and then the third I tried and tried and tried but HATED. I saw several movies but not all. BUT… I think it is great that kids who normally would not pick up a book actually read b/c of these stories. YOUR version is the BEST version!
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July 30th, 2011 at 11:55 am
Count me in for not reading, nay, avoiding this series (books and film). I had friends pushing the books on me 10 years ago and I just never bothered. Over the years you learn about the characters through osmosis.
Voldemort still sounds like a kind of cheese to me.
July 30th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Haven’t read the books, haven’t seen the movies (except for bits on the news, which I didn’t pay attention to), and never plan to. Same goes for Twilight — not into vampires, sparkles, and teenage angst.
At the age of 9 I read The Hobbit because I was bored. I went on to read the first two books of the trilogy, started the third and thought, “I’m tired of this.” When the movies started coming out, I forced myself to reread The Hobbit. Notice the verb there. I got through it eventually, but I have absolutely no wish to ever watch the movies. Besides, I always saw the hobbits as kind of rabbit-like creatures with human characteristics, like the talking animals in Narnia, not small humans with extremely hairy feet.
And Mike’s right, Voldemort sounds like a cheese. 😛
August 4th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
No Harry Potter, no Twilight, no LoTR… I’ve never watched American Idol or The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Have I really missed out on anything? I don’t think so!
August 5th, 2011 at 6:32 am
Another here! I haven’t read any of the books or seen more than about 1/3 of one of the movies.
August 6th, 2011 at 4:49 am
I didn’t read the whole story either.
Someone summarized the whole story to me:
Once upon a time there is a little boy named Harry Potter and he always annoyed a guy called Voldemort which made him very angry and wanted to take revenge. Eventually Harry Potter was able to defeat Voldemort so the conclusion is Harry Potter is a very bad boy.
And I find that this is so true! lol
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August 9th, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Thank you for narrating the story of Harry Potter…I liked it…
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August 10th, 2011 at 3:45 pm
This post made me laugh. I love the thought that muggles are slippers. I want a pair.
…And I just found your blog. LOVE it!
September 18th, 2011 at 3:08 pm
You haven’t read Harry Potter – the funniest book ever written?
I think it is a humour book. right?
Jokes aside – you should read it. Go beyond the 25 pages and you will really like it.
But don’t watch the movie. They are junk.
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October 2nd, 2011 at 11:46 pm
this was hilarious. “do they fly. yes i think they fly” – you’re writing has a very bridget jones’ tone (“what has become of the tuna? what? WHAT?” … thanks.
December 25th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Count me in the list of folks who haven’t read the series. I did watch some of the movies on cable, but not enough to get me hooked on to the characters.
Guess I’ll be among those who’ll never realize what the buzz was all about.
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