The Junk Drawer

You know how people get all ragey when someone in the office heats up fish for lunch in the communal microwave?

You know how you want to ask them if there is possibly some other less smelly kind of food they could eat instead? But you don’t dare because it’s considered rude?

Instead, you tolerate the smell that lingers for two hours afterward and pray they don’t want fish again tomorrow. But they do. And you want to murder them. But then they finally retire and you can go about the business of smelling other people’s less offensive food choices.

And you rejoice.

But then, if you’re like me, you worry that your own food might be offensive to someone else and they’re just not telling you because rude.

And then you get all paranoid because you really like your food choice, but you don’t want the smell to permeate the entire floor of your building when you heat it in the microwave inside your office.

So what’s a gal to do?

You do this.

I’m so paranoid now about my breakfast and lunch smells that I’ve taken to blocking the wide crack under my door during cooking, and for half an hour after. Because I’m thorough. And paranoid. And weird. Yet thoughtful.

The only problem is I don’t know if it’s working because, you know, I’m inside with my food smell and don’t know if I’m truly blocking it from seeping out. I’ll have to call someone on the other side of my floor and ask “Hey, do I stink down here?”

I’m also guilt-ridden because a friend knitted the shawl that I’m using on the filthy floor as a smell blocker and she’ll only know about it if she reads this blog post. Heather, if you’re reading, I swear I’m going to bring in an old towel instead so that I can go back to wearing the shawl instead of using it to keep my food odors from the noses of others.

Gotta keep the peace, right?

Do I or don’t I keep this blog breathing? Ugh.

Until I decide, I thought I’d toss up a progress picture of my weight loss effort these last 10 months. If I wasn’t blogging much in that time, at least I was working hard to get less fat.

On the left, I was about 185lbs. Although I was delighted to be visiting my friends in England at the time the picture was taken, I was disgusted with my weight. I gained another ten pounds after that trip.

Then I got my act together, started counting calories, killing it with exercise and dropped 65lbs, where I’m at in the right photo, taken this week.

How’d I do it?

Mainly through stuffing a lot less food in my pie hole. I always knew I’d have to find a sustainable way to eat differently. To me, that means not cutting out anything I love, just eating less of it.

If I hit my 1,200 daily calorie budget, I stopped eating. I almost never ate back my exercise calories (200-300/day). Early on, I was just walking 2.5 miles a day (flat sidewalks, few inclines). That went on for 3-4 months before my M-F walking buddies and I decided we needed to challenge ourselves more.

For the next 3 months or so, we began walking up the hill of the campus where we work, taking about 1,600 steps in the process. After that stint, we started doing more and more steps and less and less straight walking. I also joined my sister Ann for even more steps on the weekends, many times 4,000 in a session. Killer, but very effective.

I also always did a 30-50 min cardio video every morning before work. In the last four months or so, with 100 min. of exercise a day, I had to bump up my calories to about 1,600-1,800.

I didn’t lose much more weight recently, but I have totally reshaped my frame, my muscles and firmed up some pesky loose skin on my thighs, arms and stomach.

The exercise is so effective that I just moved down a size in my Lee jeans from 6 to 4. I haven’t been a size 4 since the fifth grade. It’s amazing what cardio and body weight exercise can do for you.

So that’s it, kids! The process is simple, though not always easy. Yes, there are days when I don’t want to put on my sneakers and sweat, or go out in the cold or rain to walk/step, but I do it because it works and it’s sustainable.

I’m exactly where I want to be.

Oh! And I had the bracelet custom-made for me with my total weight loss imprinted on it (a few pounds to go yet, but I’ll get there). Looking at the bracelet every day reminds me of my accomplishments and also keeps me on the straight and narrow for the future.

If you’re like me, over 50 and want to lose weight, don’t let age deter you. I lost at the same rate at this age as I did when I dieted in my 20s. Count calories, it works. I use My Fitness Pal (both a website and an app) to enter everything I eat and all my exercise. If you dig charts, graphs and trends, it’s the tool for you!

You don’t even need to exercise. Remember, weight loss begins in the kitchen. Fitness begins at the gym.

If you’re feeling fat and want to change, know that it’s possible to transform yourself even if you’re older. And you can ask me anything. I’m happy to help you if I can!

Merry Christmas, peeps! Have you been good little boys and girls this year?

I know most of you probably have been, but some of you are trouble. So much trouble. We should hang out.

Today I’m making cookies to take to my family. I’m not very imaginative in the cookie department, so I went with your classic Toll House cookie. At least I made them from scratch, so I’m not a total loser.

It’s been a while since I found a food that looks like stuff, so I was happy to see this raw cookie dough face reveal itself.

He even has a hair-do! A little frowny, though. But that’s because he knows he’s about to be flattened down into delicious chocolaty goodness. His sacrifice will not go unappreciated.

Here’s wishing you and your families a blessed holiday and much happiness in the new year.

Over and out!

Greetings, peeps! The Junk Drawer may be on life support, but we ain’t dead yet!

I thought I would write a bit about my recent weight loss because people are noticing it and peppering me with questions about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.

I’m all about lazy, so the next time someone asks me, I can just send them the link to this post.

So, what’s been going on? Well, I was fat and now I’m not so fat anymore. I’m down 32lbs (14.5kg/2.3 stone) since getting my crap together and taking weight management seriously. I have been at it for 15 weeks. I’m halfway to my goal.

I thought I’d approach this post as an FAQ, since I get asked the same kinds of questions repeatedly. So here we go.

How are you doing this?

I am mainly counting calories, using a product called My Fitness Pal. They have a website, as well as an app. For my age, height and starting weight, MFP determined that to lose 2lb/week I should limit my calories to 1,200 per day.

My Fitness Pal boasts the world’s largest food database. I simply enter the things I eat and it does all the calculations for calories and nutrients. I also enter exercise type/minutes there. When I’m finished entering my daily foods, I submit my entry and that’s that. No more eating.

The program works for me because it holds me accountable to everything that I shove down my gullet. It also makes me hyper-aware of how many calories are in everything. That’s the key takeaway: Awareness of calories encourages you to budget carefully and make better food decisions.

Are you also exercising?

Yes. I do 60-90 minutes of something every day of the week. Typically a combination of 30 min. cardio (using hand weights) coupled with about an hour of walking. I have two walking buddies – my sister Ann and my friend Leslie. We walk 2-4 miles, every day.

I also have a virtual buddy in my hair stylist. We have a pact where we message each other right after we’ve exercised to keep each other committed. Having a support system like this is extremely helpful.

Are you cutting out certain things like carbs or sugar?

Yes and no. I don’t believe in diets that have a name, like the South Beach Diet, which limits carbs. For me, that’s simply not sustainable. I want to eat in a well-rounded way and I want to eat normal foods, just a lot less of it.

I have a decent amount of carbs per day, but my added sugar intake is almost nil. I’m getting sugars only from fruit and whatever is in things like cereal or vegetables.

I was a committed sugar junkie for years. That is, until I discovered during Week 5 of this process that suddenly I didn’t crave it anymore. This surprised me because I wasn’t even trying to cut sugar.

But when you eat cleaner and better, the cravings subside. At the start, I used to peruse the bakery aisle, pick things up, put things down. Later, I’d glance at the bakery, asking myself if I could get away with it. Now, I don’t even look at the bakery. No desire.

I do have an occasional sweet, like French macarons. But only once a month and it’s enough.

Don’t you just lose your mind sometimes and want to eat a half gallon of ice cream because you’ve had a crappy day? I mean, come on!

Nope. What I’m discovering as a former stress eater is this – I will have stress every day of my life and eating ice cream does nothing to make the stress go away. If anything, eating it creates more stress because it makes me fatter. Vicious cycle, right?

And I’m working on such a relatively low calorie count, that I’ve become an expert at making the calories I have count. You don’t want to blow a whole day’s worth on ice cream because it won’t fill you enough and that sugar spike isn’t good either.

Are you worried about regain?

No, but it’s scary to think about the statistics on long-term weight loss. It’s estimated that nearly 80% of the people who lose a lot of weight gain it all back (and sometimes more) within two years.

What’s different about my effort is that I’m treating weight management like a disease, as my mother had to do with her Type 1 diabetes. My mother had to micromanage every single thing she ate. She had to test her blood glucose multiple times per day and take insulin shots.

When I think of how hard her life was having this burden, I think of how easy calorie counting is by comparison. I’m reminded of Mom’s struggle as I do this and it makes me stronger, more mindful and more dedicated.

I often read that people who reach their goal weight stop counting calories because they got too confident and then the weight crept back on.

The people who keep the weight off most successfully are the ones who keep tabs on their weight. They weigh themselves daily and react quickly at the sign of even a small gain. I plan to calorie count the rest of my life. I don’t consider it an imposition or burden.

Aren’t there days when you lose your willpower?

No. I like to put it this way. Most people think you have to maintain willpower to make weight loss work. But willpower is a fair weather friend and there’s only a finite amount of it before you cave.

What I’m doing is using discipline to manage my calories and exercise. Discipline and willpower are two different things. Discipline kicks in when willpower lets you down.

Don’t feel like working out today? Tough. Come on discipline, help me out here.

Want that 800 calorie take-out meal? Not happening. Discipline comes to the rescue.

Someone offers you treats and says “Come on, you deserve it!” Nope. Discipline keeps me focused and on track. I don’t need the extra food. I do need that extra exercise. Discipline gets me there. Willpower can suck it.

What would you tell someone who wants to lose weight?

Calorie count! Know the numbers. It’s said that weight loss starts in the kitchen, fitness begins in the gym. About 80% of weight loss comes from reducing calories, only 20% comes from exercise. So even if someone can’t exercise, their chances of losing are as good as they are for someone doing both diet and exercise.

I exercise because it feels great, reduces stress, builds muscle and offers a host of other benefits I want. But if I was injured or couldn’t exercise for some reason, I can still lose due to the reduction in calories (only a little slower).

So that’s my story. If you have questions, ask away!

p.s. I want to give a special shoutout to all those who’ve managed their weight wisely or who have maintained after weight loss. You have my admiration and respect. Give yourselves a high five!

So this morning I packed all my breakfast and lunch containers in a plastic bag that I grabbed from our supply of bags out of the pantry.

When I took them all out at work, I found this Post-It note stuck to the inside of the bag. I thought maybe it was a note I made for myself that I forgot about.

It wasn’t. It was a shopping list that my husband made and left in the bag, from many months ago.

He knows it was old because, for the life of him, he can’t remember what sort of meat he bought that day.

I’m sure we enjoyed the thing of meat. Meat things are so delicious.

The jury is out on whether we had hot dogs.

Hee.

Egg and cheese omelet comin’ up! But sadly, no bacon. Probably why my sizzling butter looks so unimpressed.

I found a weird article today, a photo depiction of actual death row inmates’ last meal requests.

Check it.

When I shared it with my sister, Ann, she responded not with her last meal, but her last meals. Plural.

She wants a week’s worth. I guess because if you’re going to die, you should have more than one entrée. Pig out. You know, enjoy yourself.

Sunday….Chinese
Monday….burger from 1818 Tavern
Tuesday….chicken parmesan
Wednesday….pulled pork platter
Thursday….full-on Thanksgiving dinner
Friday….spiral ham with roasted potatoes
Saturday….dessert cart

I think she should go onto Yelp and review the 1818 Tavern restaurant and say that the burgers are literally to die for.

My last meal?

I would want lobster ravioli from a restaurant in New York City that I cannot for the life of me remember the name of. My brother-in-law knows where it is, so if I’m on death row, my last phone call will be to him and he’s gonna have to drive to NYC to get it.

Sorry, Dan. Tell ‘em it’s my last meal and maybe you’ll get a discount.

So, folks. Pretty sure you’ve never had this question posed to you before, but let’s have it….

What would be your last meal?

So you know how you’re goin’ along eating your favorite potato chips, Lay’s Salt & Vinegar, and you’re making good time, but you probably ate so fast that you jammed a chip up into your gum line and say “Ouch, dammit” but then you just keep eating anyway?

And because now you probably poked a hole in your gums, the salt and vinegar is like throwing gasoline on a fire and your mouth really hurts and you’re like “I should probably stop eating these” but you can’t because Salt & Vinegar chips are your most favoritest kind of chip and before you know it, the bag is empty?

And then the next day your gum still hurts, on fire actually, and it’s painful to eat anything else and you’re like “OMG, what a dumbass. Should have stopped eating those chips.”

And then like a week or two goes by and this bastard still hurts and now you’re starting to worry that there’s part of a chip stuck under your gum, getting all infected and now the infection is going to travel through your bloodstream and kill you just about the time you land in Paris for the first leg of your long-awaited vacation and you wonder “How do you say “I think I’m dying” in French?”

So then you call the dentist and ask for an emergency visit to see if there is a chip stuck up under there and the receptionist writes “Check patient for potato chip” in the log book and the dentist and his hygienist greet you laughing when you show up to have it looked at?

And then the dentist takes a look and says “Wow, you really messed that up in there. From a potato chip? Remarkable.”

And you’re like “Well, I really like those chips.” And he’s all “You really injured your palate, but it’s healing OK” and says to the hygienist “Here, take a picture” and tells me “We take pictures of everything now” and then “Do you wanna see it? and I’m like “Um. No. I know what I did, thank you.”

Yeah, that happened.

As many of you know, I’m traveling to Europe soon. The last leg of the trip will be spent visiting my friends and yours, Babs and Mo, who live in Sheffield, South Yorkshire, England.

One thing I like to do when visiting blogger friends is to bring a gift with me that’s distinct to my town. Since I’m traveling out of the country this time, I want to bring something uniquely American.

Hmmm, what to pack? I want it to be a food item that can survive the trip, but that limits me to something processed, like cookies or hard snacks.

I also want it to scream Americana, so I thought of the classic Oreo cookie.

Yes! Oreos it is!

So I researched whether they’re available in the UK. It’d be stupid to bring something Babs and Mo can get at their local grocery.

I’m excited to find that the company only just started producing them there, so maybe they’ve never seen them before. This is good.

Except.

Except that the factory where the company decided to produce them is located in……

Sheffield.

Of course they are.

Babs and Mo, maybe you should just tell me what you’d like me to bring, huh?

The other day I was working on a PC problem in a client’s office. The client allowed me access while he wasn’t there, and also offered me any amount of Hershey Kisses he leaves in a giant cookie jar on his desk.

While working on the problem, I called a colleague to toss around some ideas about how to fix it. I told her about the client offering me chocolate from the cookie jar.

The jar is enormous. Really, like, I don’t know where you’d even buy one that big.

To give her an idea of how big it was, I tried to think of a way to estimate its size.

I did not say it was about a foot and a half tall and a foot wide.

I did not say that it was about three times the size of an average cookie jar.

I did not say that it probably weighed 20 pounds, even without any chocolate in it.

What I did say was that you could fit a severed head in it perfectly and put the lid back on securely.

I watch a lot of true crime TV shows.

So there you go. A severed head-sized amount of chocolate, all for the taking. I took about an ear’s worth.

God bless the 80-year-old cashier workin’ the front line at the McDonald’s I frequent.

I’ve seen her before, always during the morning shift, when McD’s turns into a pickup joint for the over 75 set. It’s full of joking, laughing, and blissfully curmudgeony people.

The cashier is a social butterfly, knows all the regulars’ names, asks about their grandkids and probably loves what she does.

Except what she does is this sort of thing:

Me: Two medium coffees with 10 creamers on the side.
 
Her: (cutting me off): One medium coffee?

She puts the coffee in the carrier and asks "Cream and sugar?"

I mentally drill laser beams through her sweet little head, then say a prayer for her and all the people behind me, because you just know nobody’s gettin’ what they want today.

And then I smile because I firmly believe that the management keeps her on because she loves to see people and people love to see her.

Sometimes familiar faces in friendly places are enough.

That, and checking your order before you leave.

So I get an email from a friend today. She’s asking me when and where I’ll be available tomorrow for her to drop something off for me.

Because it’s probably a Christmas gift and I want to return the favor, I decide to head to the store to buy some Toll House Cookie Dough and make her a cookie gift bag.

I grab a two-dozen package and head to the checkout. Pay for the dough and then because I’m wearing soft gloves, when I quickly pick up the slippery plastic package, it goes flying right out of my hand and into a lady bagging her groceries in the next aisle.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I don’t normally throw food at people!”

I continue, “You know why I’m buying these? Because I just know someone’s going to gift me tomorrow and I didn’t have anything for her and you know how awkward it is when someone gives you something and you don’t have anything to give in return? This is why Christmas stresses me out! Really, I’m sooooo sorry!!!!”

She stood there, smiling pitifully at me, as I scoop up my cookie dough from the floor at her ankles.

All she could muster at the sight of my mortified self was “I hope you have a Merry Christmas anyway.”

God bless you, stranger lady who I threw food at. I’m so happy you had pity on me and weren’t some Scrooge person who would sue me for cookie dough assault and battery.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas, too.

Tonight I found myself comfortably welded to the couch, surrounded by all my creature comforts: remote controls, laptop, blankies and two cats, when an overwhelming desire for donuts washed over me.

I had a gift card for Dunkin’ Donuts and they have a drive-thru. I haven’t showered in two days, I wouldn’t have to be seen by humans for very long and all I had to do was put on pants.

But I still asked myself whether I had the energy to go. Was it worth detaching myself from the couch, putting on pants, and going out in the cold?

Whenever I have a pressing question, I go to Facebook and ask all my friends what I should do.

The consensus was that, yes, I should go upstairs and put on pants and drive a short distance to Dunkin’ Donuts and partake in a donut feast.

One friend said the closest one to her was two hours away; in fact, Cuba was closer, and I should go on behalf of all the people in the world who don’t have a Dunkin’ Donuts within a 10 minute drive.

And so I went. For humanity.

Now, I had some fears about ordering donuts at the drive-thru. Normally, when you order a dozen donuts, one requests a mixture of flavors and one is typically standing inside at the counter, pointing at them so the cashier knows what you want.

In my case, because I’m not actually near the donuts, and also because I didn’t want to get into a screaming match over the intercom selecting some crazy mixture of donuts, I decided I would keep it simple and order this:

Half dozen Boston Cream.

Half dozen Glazed.

Simple.

But no.

Immediately I’m told that they only have three glazed. OK, no problem. I order the three glazed, plus three powdered, plus the six Boston Cream.

I pull around to the pick-up window, where I am told they were wrong about the powdered. They have none of those.

Sigh.

I am speechless because I don’t know how to describe any of the other pretty little donuts they have inside that I can’t see.

I put my palm to forehead and think, think, think.

The cashier says “Ma’am, are you OK?”

I can’t look this guy in the eyes because I’m so embarrassed that he thinks I think this is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, but that’s not what I’m thinking.

I’m thinking that I’m sitting at a donut place, a place that makes almost nothing but donuts, and they have hardly any donuts in a donut place that sells donuts.

Wait a minute – maybe this is the worst thing that could happen to a person.

“I don’t know what to order now,” I sigh.

“Well, what else do you like?” he asks.

I tell him “How about those glazed ones with the chocolate icing on them?”

He reports that they have some and I hear him shout to the back “Three iced chocolate glazed!”

I wait an eternity for my donuts to be handed to me.

When they are, the cashier says “Ma’am, I hope you like your donuts.”

Again, I can’t look this guy in the face because I’m kind of mortified that he is sure I’m going to pull away with my not-what-I-really-came-for donuts and cry my eyes out.

I fled.

I got home.

And I ate three of these immediately.

And I wondered where the iced chocolate glazed ones were. Didn’t I specify iced chocolate glazed?

Oh, hell. Does it really matter?

No, it does not.

I am full of donuts and life is good. All for the price of putting pants on.

For the win!

I generally avoid writing posts made up of a stream of random thoughts, but you know, sometimes you just have to write anything.

So here goes, the brain dump:

1.  2011 was the year I ate a PBJ for the first time in my life. 2012 is the year I ate scrapple for the first time ever.

Liked it, didn’t love it. I wanted it to be more like sausage, but it wasn’t firm enough. Little crispy on the outside, loosey-goosey in the middle. Made much better when lying in a pool of maple syrup, though. That is all.

2.  Today while leaving work I spotted a student practicing walking on a tightrope pulled taut between two trees, only inches off the ground. Wanted to ask “What for?” but was too lazy to walk over and probe. Cool, though. Rock on, Sidewalk Wallenda!

3.  On the way home from work, a tiny piece of plastic bag blew into my car and settled on my dash. Then it blew out the other window. I thought of Windy and smiled.

4.  The other day I freaked out when I found what I thought was some kind of mutant curly worm behind the toilet bowl. So I let it sit there until I got the courage to investigate closer.

It wasn’t a worm. It was a large shaving from my eyeliner pencil. Why was it there? Because I sharpen the pencil over the toilet bowl so the shavings can go down a pipe instead of shaving it over my trash basket, which has open slats in it and I’m always thinking the shavings are going to fall through the slats and onto the floor where I’ll have to clean them up later.

So instead of shaving the pencil over a trash can, I’m shaving it over a toilet, where debris falls on the floor, I still have to clean it up, but now I have the added stress of thinking it’s a bug that will jump on my face and burrow a hole through my eyeball.

Also, how does one miss a target the size of a toilet bowl? Oh, wait. Men do it all the time. Never mind.

5.  For all you cat owners, I just read a post on a pet website that claims to sell an “unbreakable” plastic pooper scooper. You know what’s unbreakable? A slotted metal spoon you’d use for spaghetti. Seriously. Plastic always breaks, and unless your cat leaves 10lb deposits, a metal scooper will last you forever and then some. You’re welcome.

6.  After watching an interview with a very pregnant Jessica Simpson yesterday, I had a pregnancy dream last night. I was close to delivery and the only thing I could think of was “We don’t have any diapers.” So in my dream I went on Facebook and asked all my friends whether I should buy Huggies or Pampers. The winner was Pampers.

7.  Expired Greek yogurt has the consistency of regurgitated oatmeal. Discovering you’ve eaten expired Greek yogurt is scary and keeps you close the bathroom. Just in case.

8.  I hate whistlers. There is nothing fun about hearing a person whistle. It doesn’t make me think “Oh, what’s he so happy about? I would like to feel happy too, so I shall whistle as well.”

It makes me want to roll up an old sock that my cat plays with, encrusted with kitty spittle, and shove it in said whistler’s mouth.

The end.

A part of me died today.

It happened at exactly 1:12PM.

I recall glancing at a digital clock in my mother’s apartment before announcing that I was hungry and would make a sandwich.

“Do you want me to make you some tuna fish?” Mom asked.

“Yeah! Would you mash it up good like you did when we were little?” I asked.  “And mix it with a ton of mayo?”

“Sure,” she replied.

And then it happened.

We went to the kitchen and she began to prepare the tuna fish.

I went to the fridge to grab the mayo.

‘Mom? What’s this?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” she replied.

“What do you mean what do I mean? What is this?” I asked, holding up a jar of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

“It’s mayo.”

“It is not mayo. It’s the wrong mayo. Where’s the Kraft?”

She gave me a shrug.

A shrug, from the woman who raised me on Kraft. Kraft, the best and only worthy mayo on the planet.

“Mom. Now you hear me and you hear me good. This isn’t mayo and I want to know when you started buying it,” I demanded. The inquisition begins.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she answered.

She scrunched up her nose and rolled her eyes. And then she gave me what she thought would be a conversation-ending Mom wave-off.

But no.

We’re not ending this conversation! Oh, no we’re not.

“How can you say that? You bought Kraft forever. You raised me on Kraft. I have Kraft in my bones for crying out loud. I don’t understand how you can do this,” I cried.

I’m sick about this discovery, trying to process it all. Meanwhile, my mother is still mashing away at the tuna, ignoring me completely.

“Mom, really? How can this be? Tracey used to always come over the house for the good sandwiches because we had the good mayo,” I reminded her.

See, my best friend Tracey lived in a Miracle Whip house, poor thing. Not even mayo. She was livin’ the high life at my house with tuna sandwiches made with real mayonnaise for years and secretly wished she lived in The House of Kraft.

“Stick with us. We’ll always have Kraft. We’ll take good care of you,” I assured her.

But evidently we won’t always have Kraft.

We’ll switch and we won’t tell anybody.

I’m still in a tizzy, as I set the Hellish mayo down on the counter, then walk away in utter bewilderment. Mom continues mashing the tuna.

I’m faint.

What will people say, Mom?

How can you even look at me?

How can I look at you?

The sad truth was sinking in. Mom was on the other side now. I don’t know what it’s like to be on that side. The world is all wrong and weird and backwards on that side.

I mull over when this could have happened. There was no announcement. No vetting of new mayo. No mayo caucus.

This is the stuff of family meetings. We should have had at least a phone conference about it. A newsletter. Something!

Maybe she’s been buying it for years and I never noticed. Maybe she switched when she had a coupon for ACK, BLEH, I can’t even say it – Hellmmm……..

Whatever the reason and whenever it happened, I know one undeniable fact.

My mother obviously never had a preference because once you have Kraft, you never switch. You just never switch!

Tonight I lick my wounds. My childhood will still be filled with Kraft memories, but I can never make a sandwich at my mother’s house.

Not unless I bring my own mayo.

And don’t think I won’t.

Got your popcorn and Milk Duds?

Dim the lights, turn off your cell phones, sit back and relax, because it’s time for Clown Day: The Movie!

If you want to watch it in widescreen, please view it at YouTube.

Enjoy!

Today my sister Marlene and her husband treated me to lunch at a place I’ve only ever gone to before for ice cream.

When we pulled up to the place, I asked Marlene if instead of a real meal, I could just have ice cream for lunch.

She shut me down before I could make my case for chocolate chip cookie dough as an entree. “No, not unless you eat something healthy first.”

Poop on you!

I said “Yeah, that’s like Mom always said when I wanted junk food. Remember? She’d say ‘First you have to have meat, cheese, tuna fish or egg.’” Apparently, protein buys you cookies later.

“No, I don’t remember and how specific is that? Geesh,” Marlene replied.

I told her I loved Mom’s stock answer for its nonsensical quality and if I ever wrote a book, that’s what I was going to call it. Meat, Cheese, Tuna Fish or Egg. It doesn’t make any sense without explanation and surely, anyone reading the title would be compelled to pick up my book and flip through its pages.

And then they would laugh themselves silly reading random portions of the gem in their hands, be in awe of all the rock star authors who gave it rave reviews and wonder why my creation was deep in the bowels of the bookstore, when it should be right at the front door all by itself on an easel, with a spotlight shining upon it and a velvet rope around it.

A dreamer I was.

What I want to know from those with mothers who say weird things…. let’s have it.

Tell us your favorite motherly sayings, admonishments, crazy rules or regulations that you remember to this day.

The less they made sense, the better.

Go!

Yo.

It’s been forever since I had an item for my Food That Looks Like Stuff series.

Today, I have a laughing rhino, courtesy of my egg and cheese breakfast sandwich.

Why do I even know what my melted cheese looks like inside?

Because I never enter the perfect heat time for these stupid things. One microwave I use takes 2 minutes, another 1:45 min, and yet another 1:30.

Because I forget which is which, I usually over-melt my cheese and it comes out scalding hot.

So I lift the lid to my sandwich and let it cool down before shoving it in my pie hole.

I give you, laughing rhino cheese head!

p.s. Rhinos are yummy.

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet

Eating her bag of Lay’s.

Along came a chip,

That she wanted to skip.

Because, really, how often do you find one with a big, fat exclamation point in the middle of it?

Or something like that.

I was incredulous.

There I was, shopping for one of my favorite kid meals. The kind of meal you still eat as an adult, but that you’d never admit to in mixed company.

Like maybe Trix cereal with chocolate milk. And a bowl of sugar on the side.

What do I jones for from my kiddom?

Steak-umms. That’s right. Steak with umm in the name. You umm when you eat ‘em.

For those unfamiliar with this delicacy, Steak-umms are thin frozen sheets of unidentifiable meat. Meat from some part of the cow, you just don’t know which one. Probably a lot of parts. Let’s just call it “Other.”

Other tastes delicious on a crispy hoagie roll, with lots of gooey cheese. And grease. And maybe peppers if you like them.

They’re so freaking good, chopped up and fried in a pan.

Now. I know we ain’t talkin’ high end steak here. I know that meat you have to peel away from paper isn’t top shelf. Not even close.

I also know that a 16-slice box should not cost a whopping $12.49.

They’re SHEETS OF OTHER MEAT!

I quickly shifted over to old people mode and started complaining aloud to no one in particular about the price of meat these days.

Since I’d already carted up all the other things needed to make my sandwiches, the Steak-umms forced my hand and I had to buy them.

But not before I asked a cashier to please check the price at the register and make sure it was really twelve forty I-don’t-wanna-pay-that.

It was.

Check again, please.

Still $12.49.

OK, so I broke my piggy bank and paid for them.

As soon as I got home, I emailed the Steak-umm people.

Hi. I just paid an outrageous price of $12.49 for a 16-slice box of Steak-umms. I had the cashier double check the price and he said it was correct. If this is what you’re charging for steak that’s not filet mignon, I have no plans to buy it again. The only reason I did was because I’d already carted all the other items I was going to make the sandwiches with.

Can you tell me if that price is really correct? I just can’t believe that it is. Thank you.

I got a quick response from someone who told me they can’t control the retail price and that “surely” I “understand that economic factors have impacted all of our grocery budgets in recent months.”

They said “surely,” which really means “You ignorant woman who must live under a rock to not realize that everything got real expensive in the last year or so and get off your high horse and just buy the damn meat if you want it so bad.”

They went on to say they don’t give out coupons and that I should look for in-store sales instead.

Something tells me they just don’t give coupons to cranky people with ‘tude.

For those of you familiar with Steak-umms, how do you make yours? Do you use Cheez Whiz? Sauce? Peppers? Onion? Toasted roll? Non-toasted?

My husband thinks somewhere in the last few months, someone swapped out his normal wife for a new one he doesn’t recognize anymore.

I’m kind of cranky this morning because, despite intensifying my workouts, I’m still only averaging a loss of 1.5 lbs a week.

When I was sitting at the laptop trying to research low-calorie meals to make this weekend, he dropped a cat in my lap and thought it was funny.

No. No, it was not.

Me: “Get him outta here! I’m cranky and I just want to shower and go to the store to shop for nutritious things!”

Him: “Wow, last year this time you were asking if we could buy two big trays of Pizza Hut mac and cheese and wanted to polish them off with cinnamon bread sticks and icing.”

Me: “Huh. You’re right.”

Him: “The grass isn’t cut yet. Why don’t you go out and grab a few fistfuls and make a sandwich?”

Me: “You’re funny. Go to hell.”

Update: So far, I’ve lost 18 lbs in just under three months. I’m changing things up with the exercise, skipping the elliptical this week in favor of 60 minutes a day of extreme aerobics. I do notice immediately that my legs and arms are more toned and tighter.

Flab bad. Tight good.

I’m also sticking to a 1,200 calorie meal plan. No cheating. I have to believe my efforts will increase my metabolism and encourage more weight loss.

Because otherwise, I may just crack and find myself at the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru waiting for them to fill my trunk with 25 dozen of their freshest glazed.

Cost of 30-pack donut holes: $3.50

Money wasted by eating only six of them and throwing the rest away: $2.80

Not digging through the trash two hours later to eat the remainder, because I was totally thinking about it: Priceless!

I’m doing well with my gym attendance and dieting and I’ve lost seven pounds. Not as much as I’d hoped, but I have confidence I’ll be successful in my journey to lose 50 pounds total.

I try to remember what my sister Ann told me after I said how I struggle with donuts and other goodies.

She said, in all seriousness, “You already know what they taste like. Why do you have to eat them again?”

I know.

Don’t you just want to slap her?

I participated in a Tribal Blogs chat last night and the subject of eggs came up. I explained how much I liked to make dippy eggs and only one other person knew what the hell I was talking about.

You may call them something else, like an egg in a basket or egg in a hole. If you’re sick of your eggs scrambled or in an omelette, here’s a funner way to make ‘em next time.

Kathy’s Dippy Egg

Step 1: Press out a hole in one slice of bread. I use a glass, some people use jar lids. Hold aside the bread you cut out, or if your pan’s big enough, throw it in to get toasted, too.

Step 2: Heat a frying pan to medium-high heat. Toss in a pat of butter (or more, the butterier, the better!)

Step 3: When the butter sizzles, toss in the bread to soak up the butter.

Step 4: Crack an egg and deposit it in the hole.

Step 5: Let it fry for a minute or two, until the egg white starts to solidify. Meanwhile, toast another slice of bread. I like extra buttered toast with my eggs.

Step 6: Carefully flip the bread/egg to “seal” the top side of your masterpiece. Allow it to fry for about a minute.

If the yolk breaks, you’re screwed and you should just start over. Feed your mistake to the dog.

Step 7: Butter the first slice of toast and place on a plate.

Step 8: Carefully scoop out the dippy egg without breaking the yolk, and flip over on top of the other slice of buttered toast bread.

I did a quick Google search on dippy eggs, and one woman said she wishes she knew what to do with the cutout. Well, duh. You dip it!

Step 9: Cut up pieces all around the egg, as well as the buttery toast underneath and dip into the egg for a savory, delicious breakfast. Bacon optional.

And there you have it. Kathy’s Dippy Egg!

Have you ever made these? What do you call them?

Anyone who’s been to the Junk Drawer before knows I have a special place in my heart for delicious bacon.

So I was over the moon when a friend sent me a link to a blog documenting the adventures of Bacon himself.

I love, love, love this blog!

Bacon’s owner, Devon Boatwright, graciously agreed to an interview so I could learn more about my new fatty best friend. 

I’m Bacon’s #1 fan, possibly in a Kathy Bates/Misery sort of way. I just love him so. Where did you get Bacon and how did you get the idea for Bacon to have his own blog?

Bacon was actually kind of an accident! My mom ordered Bacon for my sister but accidentally ordered two Bacons. Not knowing what to do with the second one, she decided to give it to us as a family gift. She kept joking that it wasn’t a big deal and we could open it before Christmas and it was just a silly gift. Well, I opened up the box and completely freaked out even more than my children.

Since I opened Bacon before Christmas and my sister was also receiving a Bacon, I was not allowed to post pictures of Bacon. Despite my begging, I posted no pictures of Bacon for 3 days! Then Christmas day I managed to wrangle Bacon from my children and was inspired to pose him with the turkey. Then I thought it would be funny if he helped Ray with the dishes. And it just went from there.

When I posted all the photos, people on my Facebook loved them and someone told me I should start a blog. I figured I would do it and make a coffee table book out of it when I was done. I didn’t realize how many people would actually think Bacon was as cool as I did! 

I don’t know if I should say that! It’s a secret! Hee hee. Really, Bacon has this wire along the sides of him that make him poseable. His mouth also moves when he says “I’m Bacon!” so that actually allows me to use the mechanics of his mouth to hang him on something. I have a thing about people handling Bacon for photographs so I try to make sure as much as possible that no one is touching Bacon when I photograph him.

If someone has to be propping him up, then I try to cut their hand out of the picture. Sometimes I snap really quick pictures as Bacon slowly slides down whatever I have managed to prop him on. I probably look like a weirdo posing Bacon in public. Especially at our night out where I took like 20 photos of one of my friends holding Bacon up on the pool table to play pool. I kept saying “I can see you in the picture and I can’t crop that!” So we’d repose. Heh.

I think we can learn a thing or two from Bacon. What is Bacon’s philosophy on life?

I asked Bacon what his philosophy on life was. After all, he’s read many books and must be quite brilliant by now. I waited with bated breath as Bacon thought long and hard about my question. Finally he answered, “I’m Bacon!” So there you go.

Bacon believes everyone should be like him. We could interpret that to mean he thinks everyone should live life to the fullest and go on many fabulous adventures and take lots of pictures. Or we could take it to mean that Bacon has a bloated self image and thinks everyone should be him.

—-

Devon, thank you for taking the time to help us get to know Bacon better. Also, if you get that coffee table book published, I want a signed copy (and I wouldn’t be disappointed with a Toilets of Rome book either!) I just hope Bacon remembers me when he gets famous.

Adventures of Bacon blog
Author, Devon Boatwright’s Facebook page

This week, the Internet went all knee-slappin’ hysterical when a video of a woman who fell into a mall fountain while walking and texting was posted on YouTube.

Yes, she was embarrassed and, of course, she’s suing because that’s what people do in this country when they should just walk away and laugh at themselves.

And that is this woman’s problem.

She does not know how to laugh like a hyena at her own stupidity.

Let me show you how it’s done, you silly woman.

I lunched with some blogger friends a few weeks ago at a very fancy shmancy restaurant. I’m more of a cheeseburger and fries kind of girl, so I was totally out of my element.

After our meal, we decided to order some dessert. The only thing on the menu that sounded exciting to me was fried ice cream.

Who doesn’t like ice cream, and holy clogged arteries, who doesn’t like it fried?

All three of us ordered it and when it was delivered to the table, the waiter approached each dish with a small serving boat, which I was hoping was full of hot fudge.

It was not.

It was full of something that set my dessert on fire when the waiter touched a flame-tipped lighter to it.

OK, so now I’m hip to the dessert. I’m getting flambéed here.

I dig it.

It’s pretty.

When my dessert flames out, I start eating. It’s good and decent, but not fabulous, as I prefer my desserts to be.

Why? Because at the bottom of my dish lay a puddle of cream mixed with alcohol.

Alcohol? Why is there alcohol in my dessert? Who puts alcohol in ice cream? I didn’t ask for it and I’m not at all pleased.

But I continue eating because my lunch mates are infinitely more refined than me and not the kind of people who go around freaking out about alcohol in their desserts.

After we say our good-byes and I get home, I immediately Google “flambé” and am surprised to learn that it’s alcohol that makes a flambéed dessert shoot up in flames when you light it.

Oh.

Oh, wait.

I knew that, didn’t I? Yes, I’m sure I knew that. I think. No, I didn’t. Did I? No. I did not.

What I’m sure of is that I’m a dumbass and my blogger friends who are just now reading about this will never invite me to lunch again because I’m just that stupid.

So, lady who fell into a fountain while texting, that is how you laugh at yourself. You do not sue someone. Instead, you realize how dumb you are and then you blog about it for other people’s enjoyment.

That should be the new American way.

People, people, people. It’s so simple.

When you stand behind me in the grocery store checkout and you inch your way ever closer to the cashier, and in the process kick my feet, you can avoid having to say “Excuse me” and I would not have to burn a hole through your skull with my angry stare.

I promise you, you will get through the line with all your stuff quickly enough, whether you’ve hopped on my back or not. I prefer you not get all up in my grill and then have to apologize for it.

Here’s today’s lesson: There is an comfortable distance that you should stand behind a person before that person gets decidedly uncomfortable. For me, that’s two feet, not two inches.

You’re not running a marathon, there is no prize for getting to the end of the line faster and all it does is make me want to squeeze your bread until it looks like one giant matzo ball.

Two feet. Not two inches. Got it?

My parents raised me right, I swear. I’m polite, courteous, respectful of my elders, and have good table manners.

But I will bare my teeth, growl and possibly stab you if you try to take food away from me. Especially if it is my very favorite dessert, The Perkins Chocolate French Silk cream pie.

It’s a treat I allow myself only once or twice a year. It’s a special thing to be preserved and protected, and certainly not wasted, for it is divine.

Which is why when I dropped a slice of it on the floor Saturday, I picked it up, plated it and ate it. The whole sad, malformed blob of it.

I did not cut off the dirty side. The side that probably spells bacterial infection.

Shut up. I did this two days ago and have suffered no ill effects.

The fact that I ate some combination of cat hair, floor wax and outside world dirt proves one thing: Mothers everywhere are all wrong. You can eat off the floor like an animal and survive.

You won’t look at yourself the same way again, but you will survive.

Bon appétit!

I know it’s not 2011 yet, but I’ve already been out to see the clock countdown to the new year.

I went to my first ever Peep Drop!

What’s a Peep Drop, you ask? Just Born, the company who makes deliciously sugary, marshmallowy Peeps, is located in my town. Every New Year’s Eve, they drop a Peep at two times: early evening (for kids and tired old people) and again at midnight, for people who can stay up past say, 10PM.

I’m a tired old person, so that meant fake midnight. My husband and I sidled up to the viewing area, and looked up to the sky to find a glowing fiberglass Peep hanging from the top of a giant crane.

As the countdown approached, screaming kids chanted “Drop-the-Peep! Drop-the-Peep!”

And then at the appointed time, Enormous Peep in all its paunchy yellow glory, was lowered to the ground to great fanfare and then fireworks.

After Mr. Peep touched down, an organizer came over to the area where I was standing and said “OK, press? You can come over now.”

OMG. She thinks I’m press. Should I go over? I can get real close and maybe hug the costumed Peep who walked around and cheeped at people.

And then I chickened out. I stayed behind while real press people got to get within inches of both real and Plastic Peep.

Sigh.

At least that’s the last regret I’ll have in 2010. Tomorrow’s a new year, ripe for plenty of new regrets.

There must be a sign on my back that fellow grocery store shoppers can see. It reads “Ask me anything. I have all the answers, even though I don’t work here.”

That sign had me shopping for baptism cards once for complete and clueless strangers.

Today it had me explaining eggs.

While I was scoping out butter, a nearby unkempt but harmless-looking young man addressed me thusly: “Can you tell me the difference between these eggs?”

Oh, God. Here we go again.

I don’t know anything about organic eggs, brown eggs, or Omega-3 eggs or the difference between them.

I don’t know if they taste different and I don’t know where they’re hatched, if they’re local or shipped-in, or if they’re more expensive or healthier than regular eggs.

I. Do. Not. Know. What about me says I know eggs?

In the millisecond it took for me to get all stressed out about this impromptu egg class, the young man followed up with this:

“The sizes. What are the different sizes? This is my first time shopping for my wife and I don’t know what I’m doing.”

I thought “OMG, dude. If you don’t know that the difference between regular, large, extra large and jumbo eggs is purely their size, then no one can help you. Ever.”

But because he was just so adorable and helpless, and I wanted his wife to have the illusion of a husband who can make egg choices all by himself, I decided to give the egg noob a straight up answer.

I said “There are large and extra large eggs. Jumbo is probably unnecessary. Just go with the large eggs and you’ll be fine.”

He grabbed the large eggs, thanked me as he walked away and I wished him a good breakfast.

Then I picked up eggs for myself. I opened the lid to see if any were cracked. Some were. At least three.

Egg noooooooooob! I forgot to tell him to see any of his were cracked!

There go my chances for becoming a Certified Egg Instructor at an accredited grocery store near you.

And I was doing so well.

Yesterday I took my oversized comforter to the laundromat. Y’all know how much I love the laundromat.

Nothing remarkable happened there except for the guy in neon orange sneakers who lifted the lid to his washing machine about twelve times during one cycle to, I don’t know, see if his socks were all getting along in there. Dude, it’s OK. They know how to mingle.

After my visit, I decided to make a run to the store. Since I didn’t have paper and pen with me, I used the Notes program on my iPod Touch to make my list.

Oooooo! Electronic grocery list. So convenient.

Except…..

When I walked the length of the store for something I hadn’t tapped out and worried I’d forget, this happened.

Apparently, my swinging hand action caused me to hit all kinds of buttons and suddenly I had a new grocery list.

Great. Now we’re having pasta for dinner, with Ld and Q on the side.

I remembered only half of the rest of the list I’d created.

And then when I got home I saw that I’d been hitting the enter key the whole time, so the rest of my list was there, just way down at the bottom out of view.

Whatever, technology. You suck.

I like cheese. A lot. When I find a cheese I love, I pretty much stick to it until I can’t get it anymore.

My husband Dave went to the store the other night and I asked him to get my favorite cheese. He asked me what it was called.

“I don’t know. All I know is what the package looks like. Take my cell phone and call me from the cheese section and I’ll walk you through.”

He gets to the store and calls me as instructed from the wall of cheese.

I tell him “OK. Are you at the display that faces the donuts?”

“Yes.”

“OK. Now the cheese I want is a sharp cheddar, in a rectangular block and comes in an opaque wrapper and has a red or burgundy label.”

“I’m looking and it’s not here.”

“Look on the right side, maybe the second shelf from the top. Maybe the middle-ish shelf.”

“It’s not here. Orange?”

“No. Not an orange label. Red!”

“No. I mean orange cheese. Orange cheddar?”

“No! It’s a white cheddar with a red label. Keep looking.”

“It’s not here. I’m looking at all the cheeses now.”

“Well, it’s gotta be there. They never run out. There’s always like a dozen of them. It has to be there.”

“It’s not here, I swear. I’m done. I’m leaving the cheese.”

Now I’m sad and mad and cheeseless. I decide to go to the store myself the next night to find my cheese. I even bring my camera so I can take a picture of the cheese for future cheese reference.

I get there and see that the store people moved all the cheese over to the other side of the display, the side facing the deli. And they moved all the meats to the side where the cheese is supposed to be by the donuts. Why?

To make matters worse, my favorite cheese is not there. Who moved my cheese?!

I get home and immediately scream at Dave for not telling me that the cheese has moved to the other side of the display and if he’d only told me that the cheese was on the side facing the deli, where it never was before, then I could have told him that they moved the cheese and I would have known something was amiss and I would have halted the looking-for-the-cheese expedition the other night!!! And now I find out they DON’T EVEN HAVE IT!!!!

And then I took a breath, stopped spitting fire balls, my eyes returned to their normal size and all the angry snakes retreated back into my Medusa head.

The look on his face. Abject fear. Like he realized at that very moment what a beast of a woman he married and is it too late to get out now?

I’m sorry about the cheese, dear. I just like it a lot. You hereby have adequate grounds for divorce.

So how much weight have you gained since blogging?

Me? A whopping 30 pounds and I’m tired of walking around with all that extra tonnage. So what am I doing to lose?

• Walking two miles most weekdays and eight on weekends.
• Eating a healthy breakfast and lunch, with fruit for snacks.
• Having a very light dinner.
• Eliminating the Frisbee-sized iced cinnamon bun I used to have twice a week. OK, make that three times.

I’ve had good success during the first month. And rather than mark my weight loss milestones by a straight number of pounds, I’ve decided to mark them by the number of Stinkys I’ve lost. Stinky, my beautiful, sweet kitty, weighs 5.2 pounds.

My progress so far:

And to the guy who asked me last week if I was losing weight, you have no idea how close I got to jumping in your lap and giving you a big sloppy kiss. Thank you!

We usually consider people who live on the edge as the types who enjoy thrill-seeking adventures such as skydiving, rock climbing or race car driving.

Tonight I met a guy who could beat them all.

He was going to buy a tub of sour cream.

Let me ‘splain.

I followed him to the courtesy counter at my grocery store. He had the sour cream in hand and I figured he’d be in and out of the line in no time at all. Spotting another container of sour cream peeking out of a bag on the counter, I realized he was there to make an exchange.

He told the cashier “I looked and looked and could only find this one.”

“Let me see,” said the cashier.

“But it’s just like all the others. They’re all expired,” the man reported. “This one is the most recent. June 21st.”

The cashier, not knowing exactly what to do about the exchange, stood there for a moment and said nothing.

I figured the next move she’d make is to give the guy his money back because he couldn’t find a tub that still had some time left on the clock.

But no.

He said “It’s only four days past expiration. If I smell it, I can tell if it’s still good yet.“

No, buddy. If you smell it and deem it safe, you may just find yourself in the ER a little later on.

Either because you ate it or because the wife who probably sent you back to the store to get a new one is going to kick you in the spleen for bringing home only a slightly less hazardous one.

Dude. Livin’ on the edge doesn’t always end well.

Thanks to an alert reader, who didn’t chomp down and ask questions later, we have a new submission to the Food That Looks Like Stuff series.

Behold!

Peanut butter-filled pretzel face

Oooo! A photo shoot? Lil ‘ol me? I must be special! Wait… what are you doing?

CRUNCH.

I’m always on the lookout for food that looks like stuff, so if you find something, please visit my Contact page and email it in!

——

On another note, I want to thank everyone again for your positive response to the Windy story that aired on NPR Monday. I’ve had the time of my life and I’m so happy to have readers (and new followers!) like you. This is what makes blogging so incredibly fun and fulfilling.

You guys are THE BEST!

I think we can all agree that Monday is the crappiest day of the week.

Not today, peeps!

Our Windy celebrated her 2nd birthday today with cake and curious visitors. The only downside is that when some of them saw how ragged Windy looked in her picture, they sadly proclaimed “Awww, that’s too bad.”

See?

It didn’t help that I hadn’t planned very well for the party and couldn’t get helium balloons in time to pick up before work today. So she got the Lazy Person’s version of party decorations. Lame balloons inexplicably shaped like light bulbs and no streamers or party hats.

Hey, at least I remembered the candle.

After I filled my belleh with cake, I decided to jump on the Zazzle web site to see if my delicious custom-made bacon shoes were due to arrive soon. I’d been tracking shipment for days, knowing a package would land on my porch this week.

I give you, the most awesome shoes known to mankind.

A little too big for my feet, but maybe if I fry them, they’ll shrink up to my size.

Admit it. You’re jealous.

Tuesday will be the happiest day of the week for me, as I plan to wear these babies to work tomorrow.

How many people do you think will try to have me committed?

Probably as many as will want to cut off my feet and steal them.

Hee.

My husband Dave is doing the low-carb thing and this is what I found boiling on the stove on Sunday.

Can’t even identify it. I imagine the description on the package read “A slab of something that grunted once. 5.99/lb.”

I nearly threw up.

I’m sorry, meat just ain’t right if it’s boiled. Club it over the head and fry it, I always say. I like meat to sizzle and have a crust, not look quite so fresh and fleshy.

I can’t be a vegetarian, but I can’t do this either.

Bon appetit.

Or not.

A couple days ago on my lunchtime walk, I purposely avoided a man and his dog while crossing the street because the dog was unleashed. My walking partner asked if I was afraid of dogs and I said “Yes, the ones over 30 pounds do.” And this one looked like a 50lb pit bull mix, not the friendliest looking pooch. He said “Yeah, but he’s missing a foot.”

I hadn’t noticed right away, but the dog didn’t have a left hind foot. He could still walk easily and I assumed he could run after me easily, too, and rip my face off.

That night I had a dream wherein one of my cats’ paws fell off. I saw it a few inches from her body, lying on a pillow. She wasn’t in pain or anything. The paw was detached, that’s all.

So I took her to the vet and they gave her a replacement paw.

And what did the vet replace it with? Of course, a bacon-wrapped scallop paw.

And why did I have this dream?

Because of this video I’d watched earlier in the day:

You guys are always pulling through for me. Last night I was tearing my hair out trying to come up with a post. I remarked on Facebook that my husband suggested I get in the zone by drinking a beer. Which is bad because I hadn’t had a beer in ten years and a little would go a long way. And then I wondered whether drunken posts were any good.

In the end, I decided to go to bed early and hope that a post came to me while I slept.

That never happened, but look what did! I woke up and checked email to find this photo taken by my blogging bud, Moonshadow. She writes:

“Sorry I didn’t get this sent to you sooner since you were have so much trouble coming up with a post. A week or two ago I had made chef salads for supper and my husband called me to the table saying I needed to take a look at “this face.” So I told him to hold it right there so I could get a picture, that I knew someone that loved food that looked like something… so here you go.”

Thank you, Moonshadow! It’s just what the doctor ordered. I love that your husband noticed the face and that you thought to take a picture for me. If you don’t already have a Junk Drawer magnet, I’ll pop one in the mail for you as a big thank you!

Oh, and your chef’s salad looks delicious, what with all the BACON!

Tell me, did the little egg scream when you ate him?

Has anyone bought Sun Chips in the new eco-friendly bag? Ay-carumba!

They are touted as the first of their kind to be “100% compostable.” That’s great, but they’re loud as hell!

I Googled the issue and found a few discussion boards where people left the following comments:

I swear it’s capable of waking the dead if you so much as breath in its general direction, much less actually touch it or reach inside to get a chip.

Just curious about other’s comments on this ear-splitting bag. Is a fully compostable bag worth it if everyone within 1/2 mile knows you’re eating Sun Chips?

My wife was asleep upstairs and I opened the bag in the kitchen and it literally woke her up. Man that bag is loud!

Well, at least the neighbors know you are engaging in the proper consumption of said “Sun Chips”. Next time you go out and pick up your mail just say you had an excellent dip experience.

Sounds like a car crash whenever I go to grab a chip.

I’m all about snacking, but I’d like to do it in peace. Does everyone have to know I’m off my diet?

Have a listen…..

Geesh. It’s not like this restaurant was the epitome of fine dining. Actually, it’s more a bar than a restaurant. Whatever.

For the record, I ordered from the weenie drink selections with pride.

Doesn’t everyone want nipple cupcakes? I mean, come on. They’re awesome.

Step 1: Pour too much cake batter in the cups. No, not bra cups, silly. Cupcake cups!

Step 2: Don’t shake down the batter like apparently you’re supposed to do.

Step 3: Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.

Viola!

Nipplicious cupcakes!

Step 4: Pile icing high, high, high and no one will notice!

Good grief. I can’t even make a normal cupcake. Don’t even try to help me. There is no helping me. But I’ll take pity. Pity’s good.

Holy cow! It’s been over a year since I last posted something for the Food That Looks Like Stuff series. It’s not that I haven’t been looking. I’m still searching for the elusive Virgin Mary on a Pop Tart.

I’m pleased to bring you a submission that ends the yearlong drought. Thank you, reader Louise Pena!

Coffee No. 4

Wouldn’t this cup of coffee go great with Bagel #9?

If you’re a new reader and want to see some past foods that look like something, check these out:

• Compilation of items over several months
• Sleeping Basset Hound God-Zeus Chicken Finger
• Mr. Potato Head
• You Say Tomato, I Say Diablo
• Do You Know the Muffin Man?
• Say Cheese, Cracker

Each September my town hosts the Celtic Classic Highland Games & Festival, a celebration of Celtic culture with music, food and athletic competitions involving big burly men.

In kilts.

Here’s an example of a kilt-clad burly man throwing a 56lb. (25.5kg) block across the grass, as I stood on the sidelines hoping the officials knew when to duck.

One of the longest food lines was at this stand. If you don’t know what it is, I suggest you stay ignorant. It’s not for the weak of stomach.

If you don’t look it up, perhaps you can guess what’s in it by looking at it on a plate. And, no, it’s not impolite to ask a complete stranger if you can take a picture of his haggis. As long as you ask nicely. I didn’t even have to flash my blogger badge.

Looks a little like cat food, no? Meow.

About a thousand men walked the grounds in really gorgeous kilts, some with cute knees to match. It’s easy to get used to seeing men in skirts when they look like this.

Not half-bad!

Or this. Beautiful!

But then there’s this. GI Joe kilt!

And then ….. well. This.

Gotta hand it to this guy. Nobody’s gonna make fun of him for wearing a skirt. Nobody.

Go ahead, Miss Kathy. Take your pick.

One of my fondest memories from childhood involved Sunday morning visits to a bread bakery. Not really a bakery, but a factory, where bread was baked and packaged up for delivery to grocery stores and other outlets.

My Dad owned a tire service business and one of his customers was Leone’s Bakery in Easton, Pennsylvania. His company serviced their fleet of delivery trucks and my Dad was good friends with the owner.

One of the perks of that friendship was being invited to come in on Sunday and buy fresh bread that came right out of the ovens. A six-year-old Kathy always got to join him.

The things I remember most after I stepped into the factory were the heat, the noise and the aroma of delicious fresh bread that wrapped its arms around you and wouldn’t let go. It was intoxicating.

It could have been freezing cold outside, but the moment you walked into the factory, you were in a flour-dusted Sahara. The bakers wore thin white uniforms, always short-sleeved, no matter what the temperature outside. I pitied them in summer months.

And the noise! The machinery that processed the dough and then sent it through an open-ended oven was massive and LOUD. Clang, click, SHHHH. Clang, click, SHHHH. At the start of the assembly line, little chunks of dough were cut and dropped onto the belt where metal ice cream scoop-like arms would come down upon them, grab them and give a vigorous shake, until they formed little balls of goodness.

In perfect formation, the bread balls would move down the conveyer and into the oven, where they would bake up and fall out on the other side as crispy, delicious Kaiser rolls.

My Dad’s friend would hand me a bag and tell me to go pick out a dozen of the best rolls in the bin. I know it sounds silly, but getting to handpick seconds-old, piping hot rolls out of that bin made me feel special. It was something my friends didn’t get to do because their Dads didn’t have an “in” with a bread guy. Score!

You can probably gather by now that I was happy with the simple things in life, still am. Two more things were about to happen that were such big deals to me in my young life.

After my Dad and I said our good-byes, we got in the car and my Dad would let me turn the ignition to start it. Me! Making this big machine start up all by myself! CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-VROOOOOM!

Good job, Kathy. Good job.

When we got home with our bread loot, some Kaisers and some French bread loaves, my next little excitement was to deliver one of the loaves to our neighbor Mrs. Meyers.

A sweet old lady, she would greet me at the door with a smile. Morning, Mrs. Meyers! I have your bread! She’d take the crispy loaf from my tiny hands and deposit back two shiny quarters for my trouble. My Dad would never let Mrs. Meyers pay for the bread, but he did let her pay me for delivering it.

Thank you, Kathy. You have a good day now, OK?

I will, Mrs. Meyers!

And off I ran to my house to drop the quarters in my piggy bank and then rip into our own loot. Nothing better than still-warm, crispy rolls broken apart and slathered with butter or stuffed with cheeses or meats.

Another Bread Sunday under my belt. I don’t remember when we stopped going together, but those trips with my Dad were some of the best in my kid memory.

Thanks, Dad, for making me feel like a big girl in my six-year-old head.

I recently discovered the coolest book called Hello, Cupcake! In it is the cutest assembly of fun and whimsical cupcakes you can make easily with regular store-bought cake, icing, cookies and candies.

Here is my first attempt at making something completely non-cupcakey — spaghetti and meatballs!

First you make regular vanilla cupcakes. Then tint vanilla icing with a bit of yellow food coloring for the pasta. Use a Ziplock bag to squeeze the "pasta" out all over the cupcakes. Go crazy!

Top with Ferrero Rocher hazelnut chocolates dipped in low-sugar strawberry preserves for the meatballs. Finish with grated white chocolate for the parmesan cheese.

Are these not awesome?!

Hungry for a little Italian tonight?

If you have a sweet tooth, these are for you. They are scrumptious! A mess to eat, but who cares? They’re cupcakes! Or are they?

In my last post, I asked you to tell me what your favorite gross food combinations were. You didn’t disappoint. I told you I would pick one disgusting combination and award a Junk Drawer magnet for best worst one.

Since there were so many icky combinations, I decided to put some of them to a taste test because I’m nothing if not adventurous. Or stupid.

The ingredients:

• Cheerios cereal
• Pre-cooked bacon
• Peter Pan peanut butter
• Italian bread
• Minute Maid orange juice (concentrate)
• Sweet pickle slices
• Breakstone’s cottage cheese (Eek! I’m gonna eat it!)
• San Georgio elbow macaroni
• Welch’s grape jam
• Whole milk and spaghetti sauce (not pictured because I’m a dumbass and forgot to put them out)

For my journey, I started with the combinations I thought were gross, yet intriguing, and moved toward the ones I thought were sure to make me hurl.

First up, whole milk and orange juice concentrate, suggested by Babs Beetle. She says "I used to half fill a glass with orange juice, the kind you have to dilute with water, then top it up with milk and wait for it to curdle – about 10 seconds. Once it was all lumpy I would gulp it."

I put about 2ozs. of concentrated OJ in a glass and then filled the rest with whole milk and stirred.

This stuff is delicious! It reminds me of a place that may still be popular in shopping malls called Orange Julius. I’d forgotten all about it until I drank this. My recommendation is to make sure you do use full-fat, whole milk and perhaps add crushed ice. It’s extremely rich, though. You have been warned.

Grade: A

Next items: Orange juice and Cheerios cereal, offered up by Jenny, who wrote: "I guess I discovered this next thing when one day I poured a bowl of Cheerios and then discovered we had no milk. So I put orange juice on top and … WOW! IS THAT EVER GOOD!"

I took the rest of the concentrate and diluted it to make regular OJ. Poured it over the Cheerios and dug in. It was a fairly enjoyable sweet treat for breakfast, but the OJ gave it a biting aftertaste. Think of it as a candy bar in a bowl. With a kick.

Grade: C+

Next, we have the peanut butter-related combinations.

First, peanut butter and sweet pickle slices. Heather says, "I like peanut butter & pickle sandwiches, but the pickles have to be hamburger dill slices."

I have to admit I thought this was pretty high on the gross scale. To me, pickles should only be eaten straight up or on a burger. Let me tell you, this stuff was divine. The savoriness of the peanut butter, mixed with the sweet and tart flavor of the pickles, makes for a surprisingly good combo. And who doesn’t want a little crunch in their sandwiches?

I took a good four bites out of it, but had to discard it because I had a lot more to eat. If not for the calories, this one would have been completely finished off.

Grade: A+

Our second bacon-related combination is the one I believe was mentioned most often in the comments — bacon and peanut butter. I had such high hopes for it. I think you’re all familiar with my bacon addiction. What could go wrong?

Here’s what can go wrong. Apparently my bacon addiction is so bad, I now need 10x the bacon to get the same delirious reaction to it as I once got. I couldn’t taste the bacon! Did I make it wrong? How many slices should I have put on? Five are pictured here. All I tasted was the peanut butter. I’m so depressed.

Grade I wanted to give it: A+

Grade it got: D

Damn.

Now here’s where I encountered my first feelings of trepidation. The very idea of mixing grape jam and macaroni is so completely bizarre to me, and when I combined them in a bowl, I wanted to throw it out before tasting it. But I soldiered on.

Just look at it. Think about it. Does it look appetizing? No. Would you want to eat it? No. How did I like it? I didn’t. IT. IS. NASTY. Grape jam belongs on only one thing. Toast. Period.

A woman named Kathy suggested this and I wish she had a blog so I could link to it, and you could all go over and tell her she needs to have her head examined. Or her stomach.

Grade: F

For our last test, I spread my culinary wings. I don’t recall ever having eaten cottage cheese in my life. Why? Because to me it looks like yogurt that’s a year past its expiration date.

SewDucky suggested this concoction: "… cottage cheese, heated, with either pistachio pudding or spaghetti sauce mixed in. Everyone thinks I’ve lost my mind."

Everyone is correct.

I still have the aftertaste of this dish, and not a good aftertaste. I would characterize the flavor as sort of like manicotti filling, without the benefit of being enveloped in a blanket of pasta and being flavorfully-seasoned. Couldn’t take more than two bites. Warming it up did not help.

Grade: D

I hope you enjoyed my little taste test. You’ve all been so good waiting patiently for me to announce a winner.

******* Drumroll please *******

Winner in the category Worst Food Combination I Never Thought I’d Like: Peanut Butter and Pickles

Winner in the category Word Food Combination I Wouldn’t Eat Again For Any Amount of Money: Grape Jam and Macaroni

I’ll contact the winners shortly. As soon as I clean up my kitchen and explain to my husband why the garbage is full of half-eaten sandwiches and mushy things.

Today’s post is short and sweet. I recently told a friend how I love the taste of uncooked instant oatmeal combined with a fruit yogurt.

That fact made her sick and it got me thinking about things people eat, specifically, foods we combine that have no business fraternizing in the same cup, bowl or dish.

So let’s have it. What foods do you put together that you love, but that make others ill when they see you eat it?

Grossest combination wins a Junk Drawer magnet.

Oh, and if you remember the circumstances under which you thought to put the foods together, include that too!

Go!

In case of donut emergency, call husband.

In case husband laughs at wife’s misery, post on blog.

Anyone who knows me knows I can’t cook. Never really tried. Didn’t get the gene.

But after enjoying a delicious meal at the home of Kim and Bryan, the bloggers I met last weekend, I decided I might like to try my hand at it. You see, Kim made homemade manicotti, including making the pasta shells from scratch!

I thought it would make a nice birthday dinner for my husband, Dave, and so I slaved away in the kitchen making my own pasta. You do it by pouring a thin mixture of eggs, flour, water and oil in a saute pan and swirling it around like you would a crepe. When the top dries, you simply pop it out on a plate and instant pasta!

I made 15 of those beauties and confidently went on to make the cheese filling and meatballs. Didn’t they turn out nice? Thanks for the recipe, Kim!

I basked in the glow of knowing that if I apply myself, I can pull off a decent meal and no one even has to go to the emergency room to get their stomach pumped.

And then God said "Get over yourself. It was a fluke."

The very next day I made a grilled cheese sandwich in the brand new saute pan I’d bought to make the pasta in, but didn’t wind up using.

When the pan heated, I started smelling something. I chastised my husband for not cleaning some burned food off the stovetop.

But the smell wasn’t exactly burnt food. Oh, no.

It was the smell of stupid.

We had a good chuckle over it, took this picture for proof a moron lives here and I ate my grilled cheese sandwich.

The very next day I was making an omelette in the very same pan.

Hmmmm. What’s that smell?

That’d be the smell of short term memory loss.

You’ll be happy to know I finally took the paper off the bottom of the pan and my house doesn’t smell like burning barcode anymore.

Is this universe’s way of telling me to get the hell out of the kitchen and leave it to the experts?

Yeah, I thought so.

Hubs: We’re having broccoli with dinner.

Me: Not anytime soon we’re not.

Hubs: Crap.