The Junk Drawer

I break stuff. It’s what I do. On Sunday I broke our toaster while cleaning the kitchen. This is not the first time I’ve damaged a fairly important piece of an appliance and it won’t be the last.

Here’s a rundown of all the fixtures I broke:

The victim: Toaster
When: Last weekend
How it happened: I picked it up by its pushdown button to move it to a cabinet and the whole thing crashed to the floor. The button broke off and cracked into two pieces.
Can we still use it? Yes, the larger of the two pieces slides back onto the metal lever quite nicely.

The victim: Vacuum cleaner
When: About 3 months ago
How it happened: No idea. The metal hook thingy just broke off from cord tension over the years, I guess. And now there’s nothing to wrap the cord around.
Can we still use it? Yes, but it’s only used in the garage because when you turn it on, it smells like an electrical fire. I won’t use it in the house. I shouldn’t even let Dave use it in the garage, but hey, if your husband will vacuum anything, you let him. Bought a new vacuum for inside that won’t spontaneously combust, because, you know, fire bad.

The victim: Carpet shampooer hose
When: Almost a year ago
How it happened: There is a knobby thing that connects to a thin tube that solution runs through. I over-twisted it and now it twists no more. FACT: Duct tape does not fix everything.
Can we still use it? Nope. But I keep it hanging in the garage because I’m too lazy to throw it out. New hose fixture is on the right.

The victim: Garden hose pipe
When: Last summer
How it happened: Ran the lawn mower into it. I’m a pretty spastic mower. I mow the grass about as well as a Flowbee cuts hair.
Can we still use it? Yes, but you have to turn the water on by the nub that remains. A rubber gripper used for opening jar lids does the job just fine. I don’t know why we keep the broken piece.

Because I’m trying to earn knob karma for all the ones I’ve broken, here’s one I actually fixed myself! The previous knob would never secure well enough to keep the door completely closed and our trouble-making cat Lucky would always run full tilt into it and push it open. Because it’s the door to the laundry room, I was always afraid he would chew through the dryer hose and get stuck in the vent (he has a very little brain).

I wanted to surprise Dave with my knob-fixing abilities and decided to install a new one myself. With some phone assistance from my brother-in-law, Dale, I was able to do just that. Lookie here!

p.s. It was fun to watch Lucky run headlong into a door that used to open real easily a minute ago. The skull that protects his little brain makes an interesting sound when it hits wood. Don’t worry, he’s OK.

Halleluia! All of the work and waiting is behind us. The furniture arrived today! After getting it in place, we realized while we like it, we don’t love it and began having flashes of buyer’s remorse. But that could change after a few days of getting used to it.

Here’s what we like about it:

1. Both the recliner and the couch are extremely comfortable, and that’s the biggest plus. The old furniture was too soft for comfort. No more sinking into the middle crevasse.

2. We think we hit the mark on the color scheme. The dark colors are richer-looking and warmer than the old pieces. The table lamp you see here is from another room. Seeing brass with the furniture tells us that’s what we need to buy. For a while we were thinking porcelain, but not anymore.

Here’s what we’re on the fence about:

1. The recliner is probably too big to be paired with the couch. We didn’t know this because it wasn’t paired with it in the showroom. To make it worse, our living room is so small that this is the only configuration that’ll work.

2. The patterned pillows are a bit much. They actually sent us the wrong ones. We asked for a set of two patterned, and two solid blue (to match the couch). It’s an easy fix, but we’re bugged about it now.

Here’s what could get Lucky killed:

See him under the chair? It’s the first place he went because he likes to play fast and loose with his nine lives. Dave’s already worried that when he gets up from the reclining position, he’ll squash him. We figure Lucky will crawl into the metal folding mechanism, fall asleep in there and get crushed when he puts the chair in its upright position. Lucky may not be so lucky one day.

UPDATE: Ten hours after seeing our new furniture arranged the way you see here, we’re working hard on rearranging it. We’re not making maximum use of the space we have, so we want to figure out a way to move the chair as far from the couch as possible, and put the television in its place.

Not sure how this will all go down, but I’ll post back with another picture if we get it just the way we like. For now, we’re still only liking the setup. We’d much prefer loving it.

My husband is a klutz. I know it. He knows it. We’ve come to accept that about once a year he’s going to do something stupid to injure himself that requires a road trip to the ER. We’ve been there four times in the last five years. I was thinking he was overdue, until I got the call today.

"I hurt myself again."

"What now?"

"Pulled a hamstring and it’s painful to walk."

"How’d you do it?"

"I tripped."

"Good one."

Since he could drive himself there, I just said "Call me when you get home" and let it go at that. I know he’s in good hands, the hands of all the ER doctors who know him by name.

Here’s a rundown of his visits over the years:

• Poked himself in the eye with an arm of his glasses. Putting them on his face. His face has always been where it is now and I’m not sure how he could get it wrong that time. "Honey, look. The directions say they go on your nose, not in your eye."

• Scratched his cornea while washing his face. Again with the face. Stuck his finger in his eye and then it blew up all freak like.

• Fell off a 4-inch step and sprained his ankle. I don’t let him climb ladders. Or step stools.

• Broke his thumb carrying a TV. His brother dropped his end and Dave’s thumb got in the way.
  

While I’m somewhat sympathetic to his propensity for injury, all I could think of today was "Great. Now how are we going to move the old couch and chair outside to make room for the new furniture coming tomorrow?" He can barely walk.

I ignored all the moaning and groaning while we not-so-carefully shoved both pieces out onto the patio. We’re going to throw money at the delivery guys tomorrow to move the pieces to the curb for trash pickup on Thursday. Only problem with that is they’re coming very early in the morning.

So this is what all my neighbors will be seeing in my driveway ALL DAY LONG. We were hoping to schlep it out there in the dark of night so we don’t look too much like The Beverly Hillbillies. Hey, at least it’s not on the front porch, where all good hillbillies park their furniture.

p.s. The cats are completely stunned at this point. With nothing but cushions and tables in the living room, they either think we’re moving again or we’ve gone the bachelor pad route. As one reader pointed out to me after reading what Lucky did to the new coffee table, the cats believe the house is theirs and they’re not too keen on what we’re doing to it.

Always on the lookout for things that make it easier for my visually-challenged Dad to see better, I jumped at this giveaway posted on our work "For Sale" board:

I am giving away my beloved telephone with its oversized number keys to whoever can promise to give love and care equal to its comically large digits.

This desk telephone can dial through both tone and pulse, giving the new phone owner the power of choice, which we all know is so hard to find these days, what with the state of the world and all that jazz.

This item is a MUST HAVE for anyone serious about early-90s desk telephones with large numbers, so the phone will go to whomever contacts me first.

I emailed a picture of it to my sisters. "Wow! Look at this phone for Dad!" which prompted a reply from my sister Marlene, "I need that for my cell phone."

When exactly did our eyes get so bad? I wasn’t expecting all these problems until I hit 50 or later. But already I have such trouble reading small print.

I had to use a magnifying glass recently on two products whose labels were impossible to read. I have to take my glasses off to read the newspaper and put them back on to see the TV. I’m giving very serious consideration to buying one of those chains you attach to your glasses so you can wear them around your neck. I don’t care what it looks like. Oh, and I have a lazy eye. I’m a mess.

Blogger’s note: I did get a greenlight from all mortified parties here to post this picture. I offered to block out our eyes, but then you wouldn’t get the full effect of how stunning we think we look.

I present from the Embarrassing Picture files …. Polyester on Parade!

The scene: Aunt Sybilla’s house
The year: Circa 1970
The style: Early Partridge Family

Let’s break it down:

1. The socks: Not quite a match, eh? You might not have had the pleasure of seeing the socks had we figured out how to sit properly without our pants pulled up to our crotches.

2. The frilly pink tie thing on me. And a belt. And I’m missing a whole chunk of front teeth.

3. The pointy-collared, multi-directionally striped blouse on Ann. You’re gonna poke someone’s eyes out with those things!

4. Michael. Poor, brother Michael, looking like a cross between a young Ringo Starr and Woody from Toy Story. "Yer my favorite deputy!"

5. Are those brown shoes with purple socks, green socks, lavender pants and blue pants? I guess I should be glad we’re not wearing purple and green shoes. I could have so easily happened, you know.

And didn’t anyone think to comb our hair? Cripes. We look like the kids from Oliver Twist, only much more pathetic.

"Please, sir, may we have some other clothes?"