The Junk Drawer

On a flight home from Vegas a few years ago I browsed the household tips Q&A section of a Reader’s Digest. I couldn’t believe it when I spotted a question submitted by a good friend of mine. When I got back in town, I called her excitedly to say I’d seen her name in the Digest.

Her reply surprised me: "Well, that wasn’t actually me who submitted it. My cousin works there and she needed a name to put with a question that they wrote themselves." Evidently, this happens sometimes when editors have just the right question in mind, but nobody actually asks it. I’m of the opinion that Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners) is doing the same thing.

How else do you explain this ridiculous question that appeared in her column yesterday in the Morning Call?

Dear Miss Manners: My boss says that it is inconsiderate to the workplace to leave the top off of my 12-ounce bottle of water/tea when I am not drinking it. He has a terrible tendency to knock it over. He also claims that when customers come in to the office and I have left it on the counter that, they too, knock it over. I now have to unscrew every time I want to drink and hope that I don’t lose the lid to screw it back on. Could you please clarify what is the proper way to handle your water bottle in the office? I do not wish to be uncourteous, but I think he is just clumsy. Please advise.

This week I watched as my local grocery store jammed its shelves with Halloween candy. We’re not out of summer yet, but we have our sights on fall already. I’m sure the onslaught of Christmas isn’t far behind.

In the tradition of preparing for holidays well before its time, I give you Butterfinger eyeballs. These make a fun addition to your Halloween parties and kids just love the "gross out" factor.

They’re very easy to make. Here’s the recipe. In place of Goobers, I used Butterfinger BBs for the pupils. Be warned, though. The eyeballs are very sweet. One goes a long way.

A common mistake in grammar involves the use of it’s and its. Everywhere I look it’s being misused.

What’s the difference and why the confusion?

It’s is a contraction for "it is" or "it has," as in It’s (it is) annoying when people correct my grammar, or It’s (it has) been a great week so far.

Its shows possession, as in The dog chased its tail, or Its bark is bigger than its bite.

The confusion occurs because on almost every other word, an ‘s indicates possession, so naturally people want to use it’s to mean "something belonging to it." But it’s is used only as a contraction for "it is" or "it has."

How to get it right: If you can replace the word with "it is" or "it has," then use it’s. In every other case — no exception — use its.

By the way, if you ever see me misuse the word, you’re entitled to publicly admonish me. I’d deserve it.

Ever e-mail digital pictures to your friends and family only to be told they were too big to view very well? Save the grief and make your digitals smaller before emailing them.

To do this in Windows XP:

1. Locate your digital picture on your hard drive or external media.

2. Right-click the photo and choose Send to, then click Mail Recipient.

3. You’ll see a choice to make pictures smaller. Click OK.

4. Your default email program should automatically open, showing the smaller attached picture.

5. Address and send. That’s it!

Dave and I recently ended our furniture hunt. After two agonizing weeks of searching for accent tables, we decided to get a set we’d seen back at La-Z-Boy while looking for seating. I liked it immediately, but he didn’t. Not until he saw the exact same thing at Lauter’s in Easton did he conclude that he liked it. I suppose it was because he saw it matched with other furniture in better lighting. I wasn’t peeved that we could have saved all that time continuing to shop. I was really just happy the nightmare was over.

One of the worst experiences we had while still searching was at Raymour and Flanigan. We stupidly went to the Quakertown store thinking it would be different than the one in Whitehall, where they hire massively aggressive sales people. One in particular was the pit bull of salesmen. If you go, you’ll know him because he’s going to jump all over you and lick your face when you walk in the door.

The Quakertown store was as bad as Whitehall, if not worse. No less than six sales people were huddled at the front door, waiting to attack. We should have just turned around and left right then and there. You always think you can get past their tactics, but they make it VERY hard. Despite our ingenious plan to divide and conquer, (“I’ll go left, you go right, we meet back here.”) the sales staff nucleus quickly broke apart and began their descent, trailing us in both directions.

My technique at that point was to completely ignore them, mumbling or grunting short answers when they asked what we’re looking for. Dave felt this was rude, but I figure “Hey, they don’t know me. I don’t know them. I don’t owe them anything.” Besides, any minute some other poor saps are going to walk in the front door and they can have their way with them. I also kept my sunglasses on so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact. It made me seem a little crazy. All the better.

I know they work on commission and their jobs can’t be very easy with most of the people walking in and walking out without buying anything. But for crying out loud, we might have actually wanted something in the store, but we were so preoccupied with getting some privacy, we couldn’t take enough time to really see anything.

Here’s what I propose to you, Raymour and Flanigan. If you follow these simple rules, we can guarantee your sales will increase exponentially:

1. No touching. The attack dog at the Whitehall store kept patting Dave on the back and grabbing his shoulders like they were old friends who go way back. Keep your paws off.
2. When we have something to say, we’ll come get you. Be like polite children: Speak only when spoken to.
3. Don’t huddle around other sales people quietly talking about who’s going to “take us on.” We can see you, we know what you’re doing and it’s annoying.
4. No tailgating. When you say “I’ll be right here if you need anything,” stay in that spot. We’ll find you if we need something.
5. If we ask you a question, it means we just have a question. Answer it and then retreat.

If you had followed these rules, you might have made a thousand dollar sale. How’s that for screwing yourselves over?