The Junk Drawer

My sister sent me this notice she received at the insurance company where she works:

Member/Dependent Premium – The premium will reflect a monthly premium. For Monthly billed plans, nothing needs to be done with the premium. For quarterly, semi-annual and annually billed plans, the premium needs to be monthletized (made to reflect a monthly premium).

Quarterly billed plans: MI Quarterly Premium / 3

Semi-annual billed plans: MI Semi Annual Premium / 6

Annually billed plans: MI Annual Premium / 12

Monthletized?

Sorry, but you can’t just make up words, people. And if you have to put the definition in parentheses so people know what the hell you’re talking about, there’s proof you can’t use it.

So says me.

But if they get to use made-up words and get away with it, so should I.

I submit for your review:

1. Dinnerate – to make a meal out of food products for consumption between the hours of 5:00PM and 8:00PM.

2. Bathletize – to make yourself clean with soap and water in a large vessel, sometimes combined with a shower, sometimes standalone. Or if you like old-style charm, claw-footedized.

3. Readify – to look at and understand words in a book for entertainment or scholarly purposes.

4. Calculatate – to use a calculator or computer to perform mathematical computations. See also, mathemalate.

5. Purrification – a cat’s act of expressing approval by making soft, vibratory sounds. May result in snugglification between owner and cat.

6. FedExcitation – the exhilaration felt when receiving a delivery from an express shipping service.

7. Charminimum – the point at which you’re down to the last roll of toilet paper.

8. Examinightmare – those terror-filled dreams you have a decade after graduating college, where you think you have finals the next day and haven’t studied at all.

9. Yule blog – a blog post about Christmas.

10. Pointificate – to continue making an argument for something, long after people got annoyed and stopped listening.

Got any others? I’m all earified.

A week ago I wrote and asked you to please donate to a food bank in my area so I could win a Christmas lights tour arranged by a columnist at my local newspaper (pictured left).

I challenged you to raise enough funds so I could win the trip and we could all help hungry people in my area go a little less hungry.

I offered to do one of three crazy tasks if you hit my target.

You did not disappoint.

Oh, no you didn’t.

I’m almost in tears here as I write that not only did you raise enough to reach my goal of $750, but you dug deep enough to raise $865. With my family’s own contribution, that makes $1,115 in a single week!

What this means is that the Second Harvest Food Bank can distribute 10,035 pounds of food to the needy.

That’s five tons of food.

Tons. of. food. Do you hear me???

I am so overwhelmed by your generosity that I decided to do not just one of the three tasks I said I’d do, but all three.

So I’m going to eat my first ever peanut butter and jelly sandwich, dress as a clown for a whole day of work, and get my ass on a horse for the first time in my life.

I plan to do these things after the new year and post video of everything on the blog.

I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you wanted to help and that, even in this tough economy, you sent in a mountain of donations to help those you will never meet.

I kind of hate Christmas. The commercialization of it has soured me. It makes me dread the season. I don’t have a lick of Christmas in my house.

But I have it in my heart, where it means the most, because of you.

Thank you for showing the power of giving and fellowship. My family and I are truly grateful that you gave so willingly, so much and so quickly.

I am blessed to know you.

We’re embracing the crazy again at The Junk Drawer. If I gave you the chance, what would you dare me to do? Something gross? Something scary? Something embarrassing?

If I offered the power to choose one of those things, and I promised to do it on camera, would you pay for the opportunity?

Read on and see how the crazy works.

Bill White, a columnist from my local paper, The Morning Call, sponsors a fundraiser every year for a food bank in our area.

He’s also responsible for one of my family’s most-anticipated holiday traditions – visiting elaborately decorated homes on a Christmas lights tour that he designs based on reader submissions.

He drives by every nominated home and publishes a tour of the very best ones, including driving directions to take from house to house. It’s a huge deal around these parts and my family picks one of the routes to enjoy every year.

What’s really fun is that Bill turned his fundraising efforts and the lights tour into a challenge for his readers to collect as much as possible for a chance to win a personal tour with him.

Those who make the largest donations to the Second Harvest Food Bank of the Lehigh Valley get to be driven around in style to see homes on the tour.

And I want a tour!

Here’s where you come in.

If I can reach my fundraising goal of $750 by December 14 that should guarantee me and my family a tour with Bill.

AND! My sisters and I are willing to match your gifts (up to $250).

What’s in it for you besides spreading Christmas cheer? YOU. GET. POWER.

Your reward for making a donation is to vote on which of the following you’d like to see me do. I MUST DO whichever one receives the most votes.

1. Eat my first ever peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Many of you know I find these two foods together a rather disgusting combination. I’ve gone my entire life without one, but I’d make an exception if it meant others could go a little less hungry.

2. Ride a horse. Some of you may recall this being on my list of 10 Things I Don’t Have the Guts To Do. I’m afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid. And the horse should be, too. Do horses have weight limits?

3. Wear full clown gear to work all day. Face paint, big red shoes, wig. Everything. I will work as normal on my clients’ computers, go to meetings, and eat lunch with strangers. In public.

If you’re willing to donate, please use the ChipIn tool below to make a secure contribution. And THANK YOU!

Then leave a comment indicating which task you’d like me to do. If I hit my goal, I’ll get the job done and post back with a video of me in action.

REMEMBER: ALL DONATIONS DUE BY DECEMBER 14! That’s not a lot of time, but I know you can do it.

You have the power!

Think where man’s glory most begins and ends. And say my glory was I had such friends. – William Butler Yeats

We lost Windy.

Our area suffered a freak autumn snowstorm the weekend of October 29. Because leaves were still on trees, snow clung to them and the weight took down many limbs, whole trees and power lines. Hundreds of thousands were without power for days.

I worried about Windy, but I still had hope.

And yet when I checked her tree on Tuesday, when all the leaves were down, she was nowhere to be found.

Not a speck. I looked. Believe me, I looked.

Her limb is still intact, though another one below snapped and had to be sawed off by maintenance. Here is how her tree looks now. After the storm, the tree splayed at the top and hasn’t bounced back. It may never.

When I think back to how our friendship with Windy began, I never imagined she would become so popular at The Junk Drawer.

For years, people would send me pictures of other “Windys’’ they spotted in their daily routines and I always got a kick out of that.

The birthday parties I held for her were great excuses to have cake, but they were also opportunities to tell Windy’s story to people who hadn’t heard it before. The looks I got in return were priceless.

And yes, a lot of people questioned my sanity. But a lot didn’t. Over the years, people would randomly ask me about her. It cracked me up to know she was on their minds and that they knew her enough to ask by name.

A celebrity in the making, she even got her 15 minutes of fame. Most people aren’t so lucky.

We all need a little fun in our lives, a little crazy. And Windy gave us that.

Windy had friends, all of us. We cared about her, checked on her, wondered how she was doin’ up there.

We wanted her to come down, to be safe with me.

We wanted her to live forever, but the fury of nature put an end to that.

I want to thank Windy for all she’s done for me, my blog and my readers.

She got us to “embrace the crazy” and see that even an ordinary, lifeless piece of plastic has the power to bring joy to others.

Think about that. Amazing, right?

So when you pour your favorite beverage today, toast to Windy, will ya? It’ll be our last little act of “collective insanity” and I think that would send Windy’s heart aflutter.

Wherever she is.

Honestly.

I don’t know how anyone tolerated texting in the old days. And by “old days,” I mean last year.

You know the way, don’t you?

Press the number 8 key on your phone once to get a letter “T.”

Press the number 4 key on your phone twice to get a letter “h.”

Press the number 4 key on your phone thrice to get a letter “i.”

Press the number 7 key on your phone four times to get a letter “s.”

Press the number 4 key on your phone thrice to get a letter “i.”

Press the number 7 key on your phone four times to get a letter “s.”

Press the number 2 key on your phone twice to get a letter “b.”

Press the number 8 key on your phone twice to get a letter “u.”

Press the number 5 key on your phone thrice to get a letter “l.”

Press the number 5 key on your phone thrice to get a letter “l.”

Press the number 7 key on your phone four times to get a letter “s.”

Press the number 4 key on your phone twice to get a letter “h.”

Press the number 4 key on your phone thrice to get a letter “i.”

Press the number 8 key on your phone once to get a letter “t.”

Press the star key to get to the punctuation menu for a “.”

Today I texted with the contractor we hired to work on a bathroom. I set out to tell him to arrive at my house at 11:30 and I would leave work and meet him there.

It took me so long to type that message, I had to change the time to 11:40.

I hate texting with my Playskool phone because not only does it take me forever to tap out letters, I must use proper punctuation, spelling and capitalization. I also don’t use “2” for “to” or “u” for “you.”

Shut up. I know I’m making it harder than it has to be, but you gotta admit it’s pretty ludicrous to begin with. Now somebody buy me an iPhone with a data plan and make it snappy.

Happy Thanksgiving blessings to everyone! May your house be full of fun and laughter, your plates be overflowing and your pants be all stretchy like.

Amen.