The Junk Drawer

Some of you may remember that I’m attending and speaking at the first annual Tribal Blogs Blogging Conference in Minnesota, June 23-25, 2011.

What does it mean to be speaking at the conference, besides throwing up 20 minutes before I go on?

As a speaker, I get to give away THREE conference registrations to Junk Drawer readers!

That’s right, peeps. Here’s your chance to get into the two-day conference free of charge (excluding hotel and airfare; a $199 value!) More in a bit.

About Tribal Blogs

I’ve been blogging now for almost four years. And in that time, I’ve joined many networks to learn as much as I can about blogging. The truth is, Tribal Blogs was the first and only place that I could honestly recommend as a value-packed resource for both new and seasoned bloggers.

Ask a question in the forums, get an answer in minutes. Share a blogging frustration and get support and advice immediately. Need some laughs to break up your day? Get that too!

I’m thrilled that Jennifer Brown, Tribal Blogs’ founder, is taking the network to the next level with this amazing blogging event.

About the conference

How many articles have you read about how to build a better blog, but they’re written in general terms with few actual step-by-step takeaways? And then you leave thinking “But how do I do that? I need details!”

The goal of the Tribal Blogs conference is to teach bloggers valuable skills that can be used as soon as you get back to your laptop.

It’s also a place where bloggers who’ve only communicated online can share successes and techniques that have worked for them (and ones that didn’t) in a relaxed, supportive and fun environment.

Topics on the agenda:

SEO (search engine optimization) You write good stuff. Now get found!
Marketing, networking, monetizing and increasing blog traffic
Technical aspects of blogging (plug-ins, tagging, backing up your blog, design and stats/analysis)
Using social media to your benefit
Blog-to-book strategies
How to write compelling content that gets you noticed
How to position yourself to go viral

View the full agenda.

Other fun stuff and goodies!

There will be a cocktail party on Conference Eve, where bloggers can socialize and chillax before getting down to business.

Because I don’t drink, I shan’t be having cocktails. That means you’ll have me to guide you back to the right hotel room so that you don’t try your room key in the wrong door for half an hour before giving up and falling asleep on the hallway floor.

See how helpful I am?

I might also see if I can squeeze in a Q & A session, featuring my husband Dave, who’s coming along with me.

During Kathy 101, you can ask him what it’s like to live with me, how he copes with that reality and whether it’s really true that I’m a few cards short of a deck. Ha!

Advance thanks go to some outstanding conference sponsors, including:

• Publish Green, an eBook publishing and distribution company who is giving away a premium publishing package worth $1,000! Holy jackpot, Batman! 
  
• Beaver’s Pond Press, a Minneapolis publisher whose guest speaker will talk about taking your blog to a book. I’m takin’ notes, baby.
  
• Go-Girl, a Minnesota-based company that offers a unique, no-mess way for women to use the ladies room without the ladies room. I know! Crazy, right?
  
• StormSister, also a Minnesota-based company, who makes an eco-friendly, three-in-one beauty bar called Shhh that can be used to shower, shampoo and shave. Awesome!
  

So how can I get into the conference for free?

Easy! All you have to do is email me with your interest and I’ll fill you in on the rest.

If you’re not among the first three to contact me, you can still enjoy a $50 discount on the two-day registration (code TB50) or $24 off the one-day pass price (code TB75). Enter the code on the registration page.

If you can’t make the trip, but you know someone in the Minnesota area who might be interested, please send them a link to this post so they can get in contact with me.

I’m so stoked about this conference, even if it means I pass out during my presentation. If nothing else, it’ll give all the bloggers in attendance something to write about, complete with pictures of me in a heap on the floor.

Length of time in tree: Six weeks

Approximate height in tree: 25 feet

Store of origin: PathMark

Yes, it’s in Windy’s tree.

No, I’m not happy about it.

Yes, I want to get it out.

No, I don’t know how.

Yes, it’s really twisted up on there.

No, you can’t knock it down with a rock.

Yes, I hate PathMark now.

No, you can’t name it.

Really, we’re not getting cozy with this thing. I might contact a guy in New York City who’s aware of the Windy saga.

He owns a company that makes and sells extension poles with a grappling hook on the end, made specifically to extract bags from trees.

Nevermind. I just checked the price of the poles and I can’t afford one.

I guess we’re getting cozy with this thing.

God help me.

Today I had an ear lavage. The word lavage is derived from the French verb laver “to wash.”

An ear lavage thus means “to drown through an opening where only a Q-tip should go, if that.”

Last weekend I developed what at first seemed like a cold, but turned out to be only a cold wannabee. Some sniffles for a day, some sneezing, no cough. In the end, just clogged ears.

My doctor says “Could be allergies. You might be one of us now.”

Yeah, me.

She recommended I have my ears irrigated to eliminate wax build-up as an issue and I agreed.

A nurse came into the room with what can best be described as Thanksgiving dinner supplies.

A huge turkey baster, some plastic mixing bowls and a tablecloth.

In one bowl was what I thought must be a gallon of water, the other one empty.

The turkey baster kinda scared me because I know this woman had plans to squirt all that water into my ears until my brains came out.

“Have you ever had an ear lavage?” she asked.

“Yes. Once. And I didn’t like it.”

“Most people find it enjoyable,” she countered.

“I’m not most people. Something must be wrong with most people.”

First she prepped the equipment, then she asked if I could pull my hair back so it didn’t get wet.

“Uh. I really can’t because once it’s shellacked like this, it doesn’t move. But I’ll braid it.”

Done. The back is braided, but the top is not and now my head looks like cotton candy on a stick.

The nurse cloaks me with the plastic tablecloth to keep the water from spilling on my clothes. I’m asked to hold the empty container up to my ear to catch my brains as they fall out.

Then instead of asking me to sit on a chair that’s way lower than the elevated exam table, she climbs up on the table with me and leans in with the turkey baster.

I find this positively medieval and tell her so. She either doesn’t know what the word means or she’s heard it all before because she totally ignored the remark and continued on with Death by Lavage.

Very quickly she starts shooting warm water into my right ear and I want to scream because it’s a freaky feeling and ME NO LIKEY!

But I put my big girl panties on and made it to the end of six or so injections of water where water shouldn’t go.

After each gusher, she looks inside my ear with yet another medieval device and proclaims it “really bad in there” and continues with the torture treatment.

Each time, more of the same. Nothing but clear water dribbling into the giant cup I hold to my ear.

Where’s all the wax she sees in there? Maybe it’s not wax at all! Maybe it’s a T-U-M-O-R! It’s always a tumor! I have a tumor!

After the last treatment, she looks again and says wax is still “way back there.”

I disagree that what she’s seeing is really wax, because all of a sudden my ear pops, a little water comes out and I’m almost totally clear now.

I believe what the nurse saw was the part of my brain that’s suspicious of nurses who stick turkey basters in people’s ears.

She does the other ear and this time, and after 7 or 8 tries, some gross globs of wax come out and she shows it to me as if I might want to confirm that it is, in fact, not brain matter.

See? Not brain!

We’re done now. I’m happy it’s over and I’m pleased my ears are much clearer than they’ve been. I can hear all the voices in my head much better now.

Maybe I have allergies. Maybe I don’t. I got a prescription for a nasal spray because apparently I also have sinusitis. Or a tumor.

So.

Ever had an ear irrigation? Did you like it? Maybe like it a little too much? What’s wrong with you people?

Hi! It’s me, Windy!!!

Guess what?! Today is my birthday and I’m three whole years old!

I’m very excited because I heard that the nice lady who watches over me had a party with cake and balloons and everything!

Even though I wasn’t there, I know that everybody had fun and enjoyed delicious treats in my honor.

Lookie at my cake! Isn’t it pretty? Pink and purple are my favorite colors.

And lookie at my party. In a conference room. That’s how special I am. When Kathy made the room reservation, she said it was for a “reception” because I’m pretty sure the reservation lady would not understand “Birthday party for a bag.”

That’s OK if she doesn’t “get it.” YOU get it, right?

And better yet, Miss Kathy took two of my very best pictures and put them in frames so she can see me all the time in her office.

The second picture was taken of me a few months ago. A very nice man came over with a fancy schmancy camera to make sure he could get a detailed shot of me.

I admit I’m not much to look at now, but it upsets me a little when people say I’m gone.

GONE? Me? No!!! I’m still here!

See me up close??? I’m there!!!

If you didn’t get to go to my party, I insist you buy some cake today and celebrate, OK?

You don’t have to sing Happy Birthday first, but it would make me smile if you did.

I can hear you.

I’m so awesome, I can’t stand it.

Today I saw a home improvement show where the home owner changed a white dishwasher into a black one (without paint) to match the rest of the appliances in her kitchen. I never knew that was possible.

I set out to do the same, since we have a black stove, microwave, refrigerator, coffee maker and toaster.

Here’s the before:

Here’s how I did it:

Note: You may want to disconnect power first. I did not, but I was also careful not to touch any wires (You won’t have to for the procedure.)

1. Remove any screws that secure the access panel below the dishwasher door.

2. Release the access panel and remove the retainer strip (if you have one) that holds the door panel on.

3. Slip out the flexible white panel and peek behind it to see if the reverse side is black.

4. Mine was (!!!), so I pulled out the panel (it’ll bow), flip it over and slide it up back in place. Smooth out any puckers.

5. Slide the retainer strip back on to secure the panel.

6. Put the screws back in the access panel. This was the only hiccup I had. One of the screw holes was located in a tight space above and behind the access panel.

We don’t have one of those magnetic screwdrivers that holds screws in place until you get it in the hole.

What did I use to hold the screw on the end of the screwdriver?

Chewed gum.

Again. Awesome. Me.

Now not only does our dishwasher match our appliances, but our cat Shadow thinks the “new” dishwasher goes so much better with her fur.

Wouldn’t you agree?