The Junk Drawer

I had an email exchange with some friends of mine today. In it, I mentioned that I have never eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not even a nibble. I just can’t do it.

In the same conversation, I mentioned that burping is among the other things I can’t do.

I don’t mean that I can’t burp at will. I mean that I can’t burp at all. It’s an affliction I’ve had as long as I can remember, but my mother assures me that I did, in fact, burp as a baby.

All around me, people are burping. They burp on command. They burp after a big meal. They burp the alphabet and laugh riotously about it.

But not me. I am silent.

And I am in pain.

When I eat almost anything, air pushes up my esophagus and wants to come out a burp. But what I get is the air bubble equivalent of a ten-car pileup, a giant mass of pain and then a series of pathetic gurgling noises that sound, as my husband puts it, “like a sink backing up.”

Meanwhile, he’s over on the couch burping the theme song to Gilligan’s Island.

Before you suggest that I drink a soda pop to induce burping, it won’t work. All that does is add more bubbles that park themselves in the middle of my chest. And then the sink backs up. And then I have pain.

Also, please don’t suggest, as my friend Jen did, that I pat myself on the back to get things moving. Self-patting seems impossible and I can’t ask my husband to help because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have time in his day to burp his wife.

And so I cope.

I don’t know what my co-workers think when they hear the gurgling after lunch coming out of Cubicle #1. I’ve never asked.

When I can suppress the gurgling, I’m happy. But that means no air is moving and so I blow up like Violet Beauregarde, the big round blue girl in Willy Wonka. I am a ticking, expanding time-bomb that wants to go off so desperately.

So listen. If you can burp, burp away. Burp like the wind! I will forever and always be jealous of you.

And I will never ask you to mind your manners. I’ll ask you instead to “Teach me, Master.”

I recently posted a silly Facebook update:

“I don’t understand why the MacArthur Foundation didn’t award me a genius grant. I figured out that if I pour my coffee creamer in my mug before the coffee goes in, then I don’t need a spoon to stir it. The coffee does the mixing as it goes in. If that’s not genius, then nothing is. Honestly.

This got me wondering what tips you guys might have for saving time or aggravation, or just generally making mundane things in life easier. It might be something you do in your house, at work, or for your family.

I always remember a little thing my Mom did when I was small. She always wanted me to be nice and warm getting out of the bathtub. She turned on a space heater to warm things up, but she also sewed together two bath towels so that the whole thing would reach the floor and my feet didn’t have to be cold for one second. Thanks, Mom!

I’d love to hear about the creative things you do to make the little things in life easier and better. I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Remember, no tip is too goofy or insignificant. No one will laugh. In fact, someone will probably thank you.

Go!

I’m pleased to announce two winners of Friday’s What’s That contest!

Cromely of Cromely’s World guessed it’s a razor blade storage or disposal unit. That wasn’t exactly right, but it was close enough to earn a prize. After reading my update that someone was on the right track, local reader Kathy B. studied the comments and correctly guessed it’s a razor blade sharpener.

This one was made by the Twinplex Stamping Company in the early 1900s.

Here is the device in action.

SEE UPDATE BELOW

Hey, peeps! I haven’t been able to post much lately due to the day job, so I thought I’d submit for your examination a quizzical little object for a What’s That? contest.

I’m showing you the entire object because it’s so odd, no one would get it if I only showed a small portion of it.

The only hints I’ll offer are that it’s old and it’s not mine.

How to play:

Easy! First person to guess the object wins a Junk Drawer magnet AND your choice of bacon bandaids or chocolate chip cookie soap.

OK, so what is that?

UPDATE: Someone has guessed very close to the correct answer (and earns a prize). I won’t say who it was. I’ll only say that the object is NOT a pencil sharpener. This is a pencil sharpener. Some of you might remember that as the post wherein I yelled at everyone for getting it right away.

So here’s your second chance to win. Sift through the comments and see if you know who got close, and then take it a step further. I know you can do it!

In my line of work, I find myself cleaning malware off my clients’ computers two or three times a week. Sometimes that involves an entire reinstall of Windows, applications and data. You have no idea what I’d like to do to the people who spend their time invading computers with their crap programs.

I’m not a violent person, but let’s just say my punishment would involve burying them in sand up to their necks and unleashing an army of hungry fire ants. It may also involve gasoline, a match and maniacal laughter. OK, so maybe I am violent.

The one thing that’s troubling for users when they acquire malware is that they feel almost physically violated. Some look like they’re going to cry. All are annoyed, and rightly so. Yet others react to it as though I told them they have a case of head lice.

This is what the discussion feels like when I inform them of their infection:

Client: I have what?

Me: You have head lice.

Client: How did I get it?

Me: Likely a website.

Client: But I’m careful.

Me: Head lice is everywhere.

Client: How can I prevent it?

Me: It’s hard to avoid it.

Client: But I haven’t been hanging around sites with head lice.

Me: You wouldn’t really know it if you were. Lots of normal-looking sites have head lice.

Client: How do I get rid of it?

Me: I clean it with head lice remover.

Client: Will it work?

Me: Not always. Sometimes we have to chop off your whole head. It could take hours.

Client: So if you get rid of my head lice and I lose my whole head, can you at least save my data?

Me: Yes.

Client: Wow, I really want to punch those stupid people who gave me head lice.

Me: I’ve got it covered. See these fire ants?

* If you have a bout of head lice on your Windows PC, you can remove it easily (most of the time) with the free Malwarebytes program. It’s best to run it in Safe Mode.