The Junk Drawer

I’ve been blogging over two years now and managed to avoid discussing the topic of farts in all that time. Which is remarkable because farts are hysterical when executed at the right time and in the right place.

At a slumber party? Funny.

In the middle of your wedding vows? Not funny.

There are times, though, when they are both funny and not, depending on where you are positioned in relation to the farter.

Let’s go back to 1990 when I was taking a computer programming class at my community college.

Most of us students were adults earning degrees in evening classes. But one student, though an adult by chronological age, was about four years old by any other standard.

Why? Because he farted during every single class. Out loud and often. With no attempt to muffle.

He sat up front, three feet from the instructor. Every time Farty McFartster let loose up there we shot pity looks at the professor. That man never flinched. Not once. God bless him. He kept right on teaching. Was he fart-deaf?

Meanwhile, the rest of us were dying. We did whatever we had to do. Chomped down hard on a pencil. Put our hands over our mouths to stifle laughter. Or, in some cases, got up and left the room. Usually the ones in direct line of fire.

It was incredible to us that Farty never tried to suppress his air. He’d even lift up a cheek so as to give it a clear and unencumbered exit, without a hint of embarrassment.

During class breaks, some of us would head outdoors to bust a gut laughing about it and Farty would come out and try to join the party. We’d shuffle away from him as a clustered unit. We never allowed anyone to get caught alone with him. There was safety in numbers.

We wondered aloud how it was that Farty would ever get a job in the computing field, or any other, for that matter. We imagined him farting answers to interview questions.

If he did get a job, we figured no one would work within twenty feet of him.

We hoped he’d find at-home employment away from the ears of others, where he could play his fart symphonies to his heart’s content.

Farty, wherever you are, I hope you saw a doctor because somethin’ bad was a-brewin’.

And Farty’s co-workers, if there are any? We’re sorry. We didn’t have the guts to get him an intervention. We just took our credits and ran.

I recently discovered the coolest book called Hello, Cupcake! In it is the cutest assembly of fun and whimsical cupcakes you can make easily with regular store-bought cake, icing, cookies and candies.

Here is my first attempt at making something completely non-cupcakey — spaghetti and meatballs!

First you make regular vanilla cupcakes. Then tint vanilla icing with a bit of yellow food coloring for the pasta. Use a Ziplock bag to squeeze the "pasta" out all over the cupcakes. Go crazy!

Top with Ferrero Rocher hazelnut chocolates dipped in low-sugar strawberry preserves for the meatballs. Finish with grated white chocolate for the parmesan cheese.

Are these not awesome?!

Hungry for a little Italian tonight?

If you have a sweet tooth, these are for you. They are scrumptious! A mess to eat, but who cares? They’re cupcakes! Or are they?

Dear Bravo TV:

Editor for hire. Call me. We’ll talk.

Sincerely,

The Grammar Nazi 

Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick! Will you look at my glasses?

I know I’m not the only one with asymmetrical ears, but this is ridiculous.

Also, the left plastic nose protector thingy fell off a couple weeks ago.

And this is my only pair.

Stepping on them and repairing with duct tape should complete the dork look I’m apparently going for.

We have a winner! Kristin correctly guessed that the What’s That Wednesday item is a metal detector.

The part shown was from the base of the unit. Please don’t ask me what the hole is for. I know nothing about metal detecting except that I’ll never do it again.

My husband Dave spent some time with it a few years back and found a ton of coins, a few rings and incidental items, enough to keep him interested. The most valuable coin he found was a mid-1800s three-cent piece, worth about $75 today.

Me? I tried it once and found a dime and three pennies, worth thirteen cents today. I simply do not have the patience for something like this. After scanning the ground for an hour and not finding much, I quickly lost interest. The device isn’t too heavy at first, but it feels like a bar bell when you carry it around for a while.

Has anyone ever gone metal detecting? Did you enjoy it? What was the coolest thing you dug up?

Thanks for playing! I love this series because your guesses are so good and are a blast to read. Kristin, I’ll contact you shortly about your prizes.