The Junk Drawer

Woman #1: What is with this thing?! Why aren’t we moving?!

Woman #2: Because you keep pressing the square with the Braille dots on it. That’s not a button.

Woman #1: Oh.

Any guess who Woman #1 was? Any guess how fast she ran from Woman #2 when the doors finally opened? You just do not know how hard it is being me some days.

Be happy and grateful. For when you think you have done an unimaginably stupid thing in public, say it loud and say it proud: At. Least. I. Am. Not. Kathy.

Listen up, folks. I have to report for jury duty tomorrow. I was hoping they wouldn’t even want my number, but I checked the court’s website and I’m in the range of like ten thousand people they want to show up.

I promise I will do my civic duty to the best of my ability should I get selected. But, seriously. Would you want me on your jury, knowing I have done the following?

1.   I’ve been taking pictures of a plastic bag in a tree for nearly a year.

2.   I ate a Beggin’ Strip dog treat.

3.   I once apologized to a plumber for a fart my cat left.

4.   I see things in my food.

5.   I find shredding paper one of life’s greatest joys.

6.   I left outdoor pumpkins to rot in a Christmas display.

7.   I interviewed a dog.

8.   I got lost two tenths of a mile from my house.

9.   I seat-belt my food in the car.

10. I marvel at my cats’ pee.

Really, now. Don’t you think I should get a pass for all that? All aboard the crazy train!

No, it wasn’t an owl. No, it wasn’t an alien. They certainly weren’t alien nipples (Sushi Freak, you kind of scare me). Thanks for all the guesses on Tuesday’s What’s That? challenge.

Teddi from Counters and Compartments got it correct early on. It’s a windshield wiper fluid sprayer on my car. Teddi, I’ll be in touch soon about your prize.

Again, I wouldn’t have known what this item was if I hadn’t taken the picture myself. You guys are amazing!

I don’t think I even noticed these thingies on my car until the last year or so. I’m just not that into details. Which is bad, because I got called for jury duty next week.

Tell me, do they expect you to pay attention and take notes and stuff? Because that sounds an awful lot like school and I thought I had that all behind me.

I’m starting a prayer circle if you want to get in on it. Send me your prayers that I get out of jury duty! And if you need a little help with anything, I’ll pray for you too. I’m all about spreading the love.

UPDATE: I only now realized you have to register to join the prayer circle. Since that’s a pain, please disregard. I will, however, accept your offline prayers. Last I heard, deities don’t make you register.

I hope this What’s That? challenge is so hard it makes you insane.

I hope you curse me, scream at your computer, get a migraine and vow never to play this game again. Sounds like fun, huh?

How to play:

1. The photo shows a small portion of a larger object.

2. First person to guess the object it’s part of wins either 500 Entrecard credits or a Junk Drawer magnet, your choice.

Go!

I drove to work yesterday funkin’ out to this song. I guarantee it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it is the basis for something I learned about my father and so you should really just roll with it.

My dad is an awesome dancer. An awesome polka dancer, and so is my mom. When they take to the floor, they’re stunning and mesmerizing and everyone wants to be like them. But they never will because they all suck at it and that’s why polka has a stigma. You’ve only seen it done badly.

The above song, Hot in Here by Nelly, played at a family birthday party some years ago and everyone under 40 stood up and rushed the dance floor.

And then my 80-year-old dad followed us. Oh no. No, no, no. He does polka. He doesn’t do hip-hop. He shouldn’t do hip-hop.

Ask me how scared I was.

But Dad put us all to shame. We watched in utter awe of his moves. He had the rhythm down perfectly, gyrating arms and legs appropriately – no embarrassing spasms of any kind – every move in time with the beat.

We were blown away by the sight of my Dad funking out and doing it right. And that’s when I realized what I thought was my God-given funkaliciousness wasn’t divine at all. Clearly it was my Dad who gave me the gift.

Oh, yeah. I got the funk in me. And so it was, on the way to work with this song blasting, I started feelin’ it. Small movements at first, but then it overcame me.

I would car funk dance for the next six miles.

How is car funk dancing done, you ask?

Crank the music and follow along.

Sway left and right, shoulders moving forward and back. Tilt head two beats on the left, one on the right, one on the left, then two beats on the right. Rinse and repeat.

Bob your head forward and back at a 45 degree angle. Go ahead. Try it now.

Jut the chin forward in time with the bass, like the Mick Jagger chicken dance, but without the flapping wings part.

You may alter your shoulder activity after a while, such that you are “shrugging” them in tandem while bobbing the head about.

You may or may not involve the arms and hands as part of your funk driving. There is the safety issue, but that’s what knees are for. Drive with them if you must.

Bring your hands forward, clench them in fists, arms raised as if you were boxing. Now continue to bob the head, left and right shoulders alternating forward and back.

How do you look now? Are you feelin’ it?

Remember, funk driving rules state that you ignore other drivers staring at you. You must car dance uninhibited. Live a little.

And thus concludes today’s lesson. Dad, thank you for giving me the funk. And Nelly, thank you for starting my day off right, even though an hour later it turned to crap.

Have a funky weekend, peeps!