The Junk Drawer

So today I was remotely troubleshooting a client’s software problem when I happened to realize why her User ID reminds me of something.

A key part of her ID is “MOL” and I blurted out “OMG! You have MOL in your User Name!”

She’s like “What’s that?”

I’m all “It’s what Internet cats say in response to funny comments. You know, “Meow Out Loud.”

Silence.

I explained further “All Internet cats use that. It’s hilarious because they’re not LOL-ing, they’re MOL-ing. Get it? So cute!”

Silence.

I started to list all the famous Internet cats that I know who MOL to see if she recognized any.

She didn’t.

I immediately shut up about meowing out loud Internet cats and resumed working on her computer problem like a normal person.

But now I’m permanently that weirdo she has for tech support.

Awesome.

This afternoon I went down to the computer labs in my building at work to hang up signs about National Cyber Security Awareness Month. (Huh. How ‘bout that. A government site that’s still running….)

While I stood arranging things, I noticed a student sitting at a computer, talking on her cell phone. She was obviously giving information about some kind of account she needed to verify.

I know this because she blurted out all kinds of personal information, including her social security number, within earshot of me and all the other people present in the lab.

This, while I was putting up signs about safeguarding your data and protecting your identity online.

I laughed to myself when she spelled her name and for each letter, gave a word that started with each letter. “A as in apple. R as in rover. K as in…. K as in…. K as in….”

I wanted to scream out “kangaroo!!!!!!” to help her along, but she eventually thought of a word that started with K, the poor thing.

Then I wanted to tell her “You should probably take your conversation somewhere private because we can all steal your identity based on the information you gave out so far.”

But then she gave the person on the phone her birthdate.

Something something 1994.

I have underwear older than her.

This disturbed me, so I mentally punched her in the face and left her to give out all the rest of her personal information for those still in the lab.

I just don’t understand how a student smart enough to get into the university where I work can be so utterly careless when it comes to keeping her privacy.

Although….. if I stayed long enough, I might have gotten a credit card number. I did have some shopping to do.

Today at work I was asked by a professor to upgrade some software for her. Software that you have to stay near and babysit while it installs. This would be a long visit.

And since it was during my typical mid-afternoon energy slump, I decided to heat up some coffee and bring it with me in my mug.

It wasn’t until I got to her office that I realized the mug looked like something had been living in it for a few days.

Old stains and lipstick smears. Gross.

Because she was seated behind me, every time I took a sip I turned the cup away from us so the stains weren’t visible. No one should be subjected to your coffee funk and I didn’t want her to form an opinion about my coffee mug hygiene.

So an hour or so goes by, I finish the installation, gather up my USB drive, office keys and put on my eyeglasses. Done. Yea!

I go on about my business and about a half hour later, a guy shows up in my office. He’s the professor’s student assistant and he’s carrying the one thing I didn’t want anyone to get a good look at.

He has touched the funk mug that of course I forgot in the professor’s office. I apologize and thank him for bringing it back.

So now at least two people in Economics know that I’m a total slob and I’m just so sure they wonder if I wash dishes at home or clean anything at all.

I do. But apparently not good enough. I mean, really, how do you get coffee on the outside? I swear I know how to drink and clean like a person. Really, I do.

Hee.

Egg and cheese omelet comin’ up! But sadly, no bacon. Probably why my sizzling butter looks so unimpressed.

I’m still shaking uncontrollably. I had an unwelcome visitor on my patio today.

This thing.

It wasn’t just on my patio. It was on ME. Exactly the same leg where this happened.

I really would rather that nature stays where it belongs. I thought we had an agreement. You stay on your side, I stay on mine and I don’t kill you.

When I started writing this, I noticed that he came back. So I took another picture so you could have better perspective.

Size of a Volkswagen, right? I think even the mouse was afraid of it.

So now that

OMG. It’s back again!!!!!!!!!

You have GOT to be kidding me.

What I was about to say was now that I was done taking the second picture of it, I needed to get rid of it.

So I ran in the house and grabbed a broom. I gave one big sweep, saw it fly up in the air for a millisecond, but I didn’t see where it landed.

Not good. If I didn’t see where it went, it might come back.

And it did.

But because it failed to stick to The Nature Agreement, I’m happy to report, Monster McMonster Bug is deader than dead, thanks to my spastic bug smashing skillz.

I’m never using that broom again.

So much for a peaceful afternoon. Now somebody pour me a drink.

UPDATE: A friend researched this thing for me. It’s known as the wheel bug and I’m pretty sure it actually wanted to kill me because it’s a member of the – I kid you not – the Assassin Bug family.

I don’t feel guilty AT ALL for getting to him before he got to me.